to save the world

My shining golden girls,

One recent Sunday I fasted for courage. I don’t want to be scared anymore, of anything! Long car rides, dropping you off at school, protecting you from things that hurt, the worries of keeping you too close or pushing you away. Did you eat enough vegetables today?

And thankfully I feel power helping me choose courage. When I have a choice to make, when feelings begin to overwhelm me I think, “Where is my courage?”

Now, there is a direct correlation between my courage and attitude towards religion and church.

The more I study my scriptures and hear the Holy Ghost, the less I accept general thoughts and opinions; knowledge has felt so clear, so simple. I am practicing taking responsibility for finding answers to my questions and I feel worlds of clarity open my mind and heart.

My faith is firm in Jesus Christ, his mercy and grace, and His love for all of His children. From this foundation comes every thing I will ever invite you to learn as long as I am living.

One warm afternoon on a sidewalk, crouched beside the car, you and I spoke of families. Annie, you casually responded to me, “‘Cause families can look however they wanna look.’” To which I said, “Exactly. And who does Jesus love?” It is a question you both know well, and you shouted simultaneously, “Eddabuddy!!!” (your version of everybody.)

You know God is love.

Christ spent His entire life with people who culture and tradition deemed different, ill, lowly, of less worth or contagious.

And He repeatedly asserted,

“ye judge after the flesh. I judge no man”

“neither do I condemn thee”

“I came not to judge the world but to save the world”

over and over again.

His spent every day trying to help everyone, but especially His followers, understand that we are all the same we just hurt differently, and that He is our Savior, prince of peace, master healer and perfect love.

If he does not judge or condemn, neither do I.

I learn from Him who to love, and how to love.

I trust Him. I love Him. But mostly I am trying to love like Him.

Baby girls, when you have questions, if you go to the source of all wisdom and understanding you will find answers that will fill and soothe your soul. Then, take courage and start with the smallest possible steps to do what you feel! It will pay off in powerful feelings of wellness and self confidence. Power was given to you before you were born to take courage, so step into your skin - as uncomfortable as sometimes skin feels - and take up all of the space you want in the world regardless of culture, tradition, and popular (or unpopular) opinion; you are so needed.

I love you. He loves you always.

Your mama

P.S. All apologies to my readers for any typos! I edit my posts about 49 times after I publish them. If you receive these via email you read version one. If you would like to read the must up-to-date, click the title of the post and you will be taken directly to my actual, and most cleaned-up, post.

P.P.S Bay area I will be there this weekend and can squeeze in one more shoot! Click here to book!

Photos Processed and Scanned by Richard Photo Lab.

Mixtures of Portra 800, Portra 400, Fuji 400h (to finish up the last roll), and Ilford 3200.

Pentax 645nii and Canon 1V

My front yard and the reservoir by the house.

And the goslings and their parents who showed up for the shoot.

layers on layers on layers

My friend, Sam, gave a talk last Sunday at church and felt to share it on social media. She openly shared things that have been difficult for her, including her decision to choose “all in!” and what happened as a result.

Sam said, “I feel like my Savior, Jesus Christ, has run to the door, grabbed the knob, and flung it wide open to allow me to fall into His arms. I know that He loves me and accepts me for exactly who I am right this minute and understands me perfectly. Because of His atoning sacrifice, he GETS me, like nobody else does or ever could. I want to add that I’m still very much in the middle of this struggle and that my life hasn’t been perfectly fixed... I should also mention that I’ve been going to therapy weekly which is absolutely helping me cope better and address the stuff in my past that’s still affecting my life today. But through my efforts to put my faith into REAL action, to keep my heart soft, and to, through the illumination of Christ’s light, be able to have an open mind that can SEE the things my Savior would have me see, my anger and confusion is subsiding, my faith is growing, my heart is softening, and I am learning...I know [Christ] loves me and and I know He loves you. I know that He will run to open the door, grab you by the hand, and lead you through whatever it is you’re crawling on your hands and knees through, in your life, if we just decide to make the effort to knock on His door.”

In sharing her most tender feelings, Sam threw me back to my life about a year ago: the depression, anxiety, harmful, and suicidal thoughts that became the norm (everything came on so slowly that’s exactly how it felt: I was crazy and that was my new norm.)

I was so low but purely by grace chose to be “all in.” I started noticing my feelings without placing blame on anyone else (if you are looking for a transformation in your life this might be the place to start. One warning: it was also one of the hardest life lessons for me to accept), finding solutions, saying hard things out loud wondering how everything(one) would react, and sharing all of my insides on the outside.

This post is called Layers on Layers on Layers because of all the stuff we are ashamed of, don’t know how to say out loud, don’t believe can be fixed, don’t want to face because it’s hard — all the things that get buried layers deep clogging us up, blocking the steady flow of light, peace of conscience, freedom that always comes when we choose to play brave and peel back the layers.

Mortality has been designed, by a very merciful creator, in a way that we cannot remember where we were before we were born: with our loving Heavenly Mother and Father. We did not have bodies then. A plan was put in place so we would be given physical bodies, bodies that eventually would never be sick, maimed, broken or die ever again. This plan would mean we could grow without bounds, beyond what one can currently comprehend.

Our bodies, which house our spirits, act as a veil and sometimes they can be hard to navigate! They make it difficult to see clearly, to feel clearly! And to make things more complicated, sometimes our brains break — for innumerable reasons! Maybe we came that way, maybe brokenness came later because...life. Depression, anxiety, mental illness, a host of other ailments can numb us. This happened to me in Seattle. My body was painfully overloaded with the stuff I buried inside it. And the more stuff I buried (Because I didn’t know how to face it? Didn’t want to face it? Was waiting for the future when everyone around me changed, when my circumstances changed… which, none of that happens by the way) the more isolated I felt and the more hardened I became.

The hardships God did not immediately rescue me from, the things he allowed me to endure, taught me this: Christ wants to give me everything He has. He wants me to run with it, to go and do, go and create! We are bursting at the seams with creative energy and potential! There is so much power in letting our insides out. I know because when I was scared to death to share the stuff inside me, but shared anyway, it was quickly made manifest that these lessons were not just for me, they were for everyone else who needed them.

Christ’s purpose is about forward motion! He gives us His power so we can choose to step into our own shoes, carve our path, “carry the torch” to create the life we want — and we can have what ever we dream up! And then!! we courageously, generously share that life with those we can and cannot see. By not burying our hurt, scared, or weak pieces, by not hiding, we open up the space inside us for Him to fill us with every gift, and then we get to design infinite ways of sharing those gifts with whoever we see in need.

I cannot say, what I feel so strongly, enough: we can do so much; we will be given power to do whatever we choose.

I love you all, really love you. I love your emails, messages, the thoughts you so generously share with me.

Thank you, Sam, for your love and bravery in sharing your heart.

xo, Christina

UTAH I would love to hang out on May 18-19, and I can still squeeze in another shoot! Let’s go play, or eat, or both!

Portra 800 forever

Canon 1v

Pentax 645nii

All (except the last) are multiple exposure images…LAYERS ON LAYERS

You can find Sam’s full talk here: https://www.instagram.com/stories/highlights/17894910409311632/

Mi amiga, Sam, dio una charla el domingo pasado en la iglesia y tuvo la sensación de compartirla en las redes sociales. Ella compartió abiertamente las cosas que le resultaron difíciles, incluida su decisión de elegir "¡todo!" Y lo que sucedió como resultado.

Sam dijo: “Me siento como si mi Salvador, Jesucristo, haya corrido hacia la puerta, haya agarrado el pomo y lo haya abierto para que pueda yo caer en Sus brazos. Sé que Él me ama y me acepta exactamente por quién soy en este momento y me entiende perfectamente. Debido a Su sacrificio expiatorio, ME ENTIENDE, como nadie más puede o nunca podría. Quiero agregar que todavía estoy en medio de esta lucha y que mi vida no se ha arreglado perfectamente ... También debo mencionar que he estado yendo a terapia semanalmente, lo que me está ayudando a sobrellevar mejor la situación. y aborda las cosas de mi pasado que aún hoy afectan mi vida. Pero a través de mis esfuerzos por poner mi fe en acción REAL, mantener mi corazón suave y, a través de la iluminación de la luz de Cristo, ser capaz de tener una mente abierta que pueda VER las cosas que mi Salvador quiere que vea, mi enojo y La confusión está disminuyendo, mi fe está creciendo, mi corazón se está suavizando y estoy aprendiendo ... Sé que [Cristo] me ama y sé que Él te ama. Sé que Él correrá para abrir la puerta, te agarrará de la mano y te guiará a través de lo que sea que estés arrastrando sobre tus manos y rodillas, en tu vida, si solo decidimos hacer el esfuerzo de llamar a la puerta. Su puerta.

Al compartir sus sentimientos más tiernos, Sam me devolvió a mi vida hace aproximadamente un año: la depresión, la ansiedad, los pensamientos dañinos y suicidas que se convirtieron en la norma (todo sucedió tan lentamente, eso fue exactamente lo que sentí: yo estaba loca y eso era mi nueva norma.

Estaba tan deprimido, pero por pura gracia, elegí "enterrarme en las buenas noticias de Cristo". Comencé a notar mis sentimientos sin culpar a nadie más (si está buscando una transformación en su vida, este podría ser el lugar para comenzar. Una advertencia: También fue una de las lecciones de vida más difíciles de aceptar para mí), encontrar soluciones, decir cosas difíciles en voz alta, preguntarme cómo reaccionaría todo (uno) y compartir todas mis entrañas en el exterior.

Esta publicación se llama Layers on Layers on Layers debido a todas las cosas de las que nos avergonzamos, no sabemos cómo decir en voz alta, no creas que se puede arreglar, no queremos enfrentarnos porque es difícil, todas las cosas las capas enterradas nos obstruyen, bloqueando el flujo constante de luz, la paz de la conciencia, la libertad que siempre se presenta cuando elegimos jugar con valentía y quitar las capas.

La mortalidad ha sido diseñada, por un creador muy misericordioso, de una manera que no podemos recordar dónde estábamos antes de nacer: con nuestra amorosa Madre y Padre celestiales. No teníamos cuerpos entonces. Se puso en marcha un plan para que recibiéramos cuerpos físicos, cuerpos que eventualmente nunca se enfermarían, mutilarían, romperían o morirían nunca más. Este plan significaría que podríamos crecer sin límites, más allá de lo que uno puede comprender actualmente.

Nuestros cuerpos, que albergan nuestros espíritus, actúan como un velo y, a veces, ¡pueden ser difíciles de navegar! ¡Hacen difícil ver con claridad, sentir con claridad! Y para hacer las cosas más complicadas, a veces nuestro cerebro se rompe, ¡por innumerables razones! Tal vez vinimos de esa manera, tal vez el quebrantamiento vino más tarde porque ... la vida. La depresión, la ansiedad, la enfermedad mental, una serie de otras enfermedades pueden adormecernos. Esto me pasó a mí en Seattle. Mi cuerpo estaba dolorosamente sobrecargado con las cosas que enterré en su interior. ¿Y cuantas más cosas enterré (porque no sabía cómo enfrentarlo? ¿No quería enfrentarlo? Estaba esperando el futuro cuando todos a mi alrededor cambiaron, cuando mis circunstancias cambiaron ... lo cual, nada de eso sucede por el camino) cuanto más aislado me sentía y más endurecido me volvía.

Las dificultades de las que Dios no me rescató de inmediato, las cosas que me permitió soportar, esto me enseñaron: Cristo quiere darme todo lo que tiene. ¡Él quiere que yo corra con eso, que vaya y haga, vaya y cree! ¡Estamos llenos de potencial y energía creativa infinita! Cuando tenía miedo de compartir las cosas dentro de mí, pero de todos modos le hice, rápidamente se me hizo evidente que estas lecciones no eran solo para mí, eran para todos los demás que las necesitaban. ¡El propósito de Cristo tiene que ver con el movimiento hacia adelante! Él nos da su poder para que podamos elegir ponernos en nuestros propios zapatos, tallar nuestro camino, "llevar la antorcha" para crear la vida que queremos, ¡y podemos tener lo que jamás hayamos soñado! ¡¡Y entonces!! compartimos esa vida con valentía y generosidad con aquellos que podemos y no podemos ver. Al no enterrar nuestras piezas de dolor, miedo o debilidad, al no ocultarnos, abrimos el espacio dentro de nosotros para que Él nos llene con todos sus regalos, y luego diseñamos infinitas formas de compartir esos regalos con quienquiera que veamos en necesidad.

No puedo decir bien lo que siento con tanta fuerza: podemos hacer bastante, se nos dará poder para hacer lo que sea que escojamos. El miedo, en realidad es, un mentiroso.

Los amo a todos, de cierto los amo. Me encantan tus correos electrónicos, los mensajes, los pensamientos que tan generosamente compartes conmigo.

Gracias, Sam, por tu amor y valentía al compartir tu corazón.

xo, Christina

UTAH, me encantaría pasar el rato del 18 al 19 de mayo, ¡y aún puedo hacer otra sesión fotográfica! ¡A jugar, a comer, o ambos!

a memorial of her

1. A partir de ahora, mis blogs estarán escritos en inglés y español. La versión en español sigue abajo. Siento que mi traducción no es muy buena - espero mejorarla con tiempo. Para ser rápido esta noche, utilicé el traductor de google con mas de los párrafos, pero en el futuro lo haré por mi misma.

   2. UTAH - I can still squeeze in one more shoot! I come prepared with images planned so our entire focus is on having fun! You don’t have to think, or parent, or anything but snuggle up. I’ll do the heavy lifting. I know photos are stressful, we went through it last weekend. Even I forget how everyone is screaming at each other beforehand and you’re late and you know you’re going to forget something and you sell your soul to your children like Jim Gaffigan talks about in this clip! But then you get the dreamiest images back and you hardly remember traffic, missing exits, crossing the Golden Gate Bridge multiple times, paying extra tolls, showing up barely on time, how you’ve never been more mad at your family… Not like that happened to us, we never get mad at each other. Anyway, click here when you are ready to book!

My orange babies of the sun,

We have been caring for Mema the past two weeks while Pa and Gramma have been out of town. As she lives in the late stages of Alzheimers we, alongside family and Hospice and a host of other helpers who have come to the rescue, have tended to her every need. Caring for the elderly is an invitation to sacred ground, and I had a moment with her yesterday I wanted to remember.

To give some background to my thoughts I’ll start with a story I read last night in the bible:

Just before Jesus went to the garden of Gethsemane - to feel every pain and hurt and sadness and mistake anyone could ever experience - He was at dinner with his disciples (in the home of a leper). A woman came “with very precious ointment, and poured it on his head.”

Jesus said to those around him, “she did it to prepare me for my burial. Verily I say unto you, Wheresoever this gospel shall be preached in the whole world, there shall also this, that this woman hath done, be told for a memorial of her.”

In other words: wherever anyone is teaching about Christ, His life and death, the story will also be told of the woman who came to her Savior to anoint His head with costly oil in preparation for what was to come. And by this simple act she will be remembered throughout history.

This is the power that is in you: your seemingly insignificant acts span eternity.

I took baby cousin Ella into Mema’s room last night. Mema was having hard day (she has always been fiery and up and doing and helping and loving and caring for someone, apart from Alzheimers, being bedridden seems to take its own toll on her mind.) I laid baby Ella on her back on top of Mema so their cheeks were touching. I whispered, “This is your baby Elouise, like Nancy Louise. This is your youngest great-grandbaby.” Mema, always keenly aware of a tiny one within reach, had wide eyes and I could feel she was a little surprised. I felt she was trying to soak in all of her baby. I would say softly, “Can you smell her? She’s looking at you.” Mema kept trying to put the blanket over Ella’s tiny squirming legs and continued cooing at her while kissing her cheek, “Oh, sweet baby…”

I held Ella there for what seemed a long while; time always seems to slow in sacred moments. Ella was calm, wiggly, content, turning to Mema, toward me, back to Mema — the setting sun showering the room in its grandeur.

And then that night I read those lines, “that this woman hath done, be told for a memorial of her.” The holy spirit whispered to me, “Ella will not know this powerful woman whose granddaughters admire her for who she is, all that she did: have her own babies, go back to school, get a masters, become a school counselor, help struggling children for decades with a brilliant sense of humor, all in a time unpopular to do so. She did not do any of this for accolades, she did these things because she felt them in her! She had power. No one could have diverted her course — she wouldn’t have allowed it. Small step by small step, one seemingly insignificant day after another, she used her love and determination to magnify her gifts. In so doing she will leave a legacy that already spans her children’s lives, their children’s lives, their children’s lives, and on forever. When she is ready to graduate mortality, she will have left a legacy in us, and she will be passed on to every generation, every daughter, every child, that comes after her. 

This was my lesson from the woman who sought her Savior: we have so much power in us that will effect every generation after us, but only we can activate it. No one else can take the steps for us. So when your days feel monotonous and insignificant I hope you hear the Savior say to you, “there shall also this, that [Annie and Kate] hath done, be told for a memorial of her.” 

I love you, my beautiful girls.

love, mama

Scriptures come from Matthew 25:6-13 Bible KJV

Utah! Todavía tengo espacio para una sesión más, 18/19 de Mayo.

Mis niñas q’ me vienen del sol,

Hemos estado cuidando a la Mema por las dos semanas pasadas, mientras Pa y Gramma han estado afuera. Como tiene el Alzheimers, nosotros (con bastantes ayudantes) somos los que le han ayudado en cada cosita. El cuidar los mayores ha sido una invitacion para mi a tierra sagrada, y me gustaria compartir una experiencia q’ me pasó ayer.

Anoche leí en la Biblia en Matteo. Antes q’ Cristo fue al jardín a sufrir toda enfermedad y pecado, él se cenó con sus dicipulos a casa de un leproso. Una mujer se enfrentó con él y empesó a ungirlo con aceite de gran precio.

Jesús dijó a los demás, “De cierto os digo que dondequiera que se predique este evangelio, en todo el mundo, también se contará lo que esta ha hecho, para memoria de ella.”

En otras palabras, por ese acto muy simple que hizo esta mujer, será recordada a lo largo de la historia.

Este es el poder en tí, y en mi! Tus actos, sean simples, serán recordadas por toda la eternidad.

Anoche llevé a la prima bebé Ella a la habitación de Mema. Mema estaba teniendo un día difícil (ella siempre ha sido ardiente y despierta, ayudando y amando y cuidando a todos. Aparte de la enfermedad de Alzheimer, estar postrado en cama parece tener su propio precio en su mente). Acosté la bebé con Mema por lo que sus mejillas se estaban tocando. Le susurré: "Esta es tu bebé Elouise, como Nancy Louise. Esta es tu bisabuela más chiquita.” Mema, siempre muy consciente de una pequeña a su alcance, tenía los ojos muy abiertos y yo podía sentir que estaba un poco sorprendida. Sentí que ella estaba tratando de absorber a todo su bebé. Diría suavemente: "¿Puedes olerla? Te está mirando.” Mema siguió tratando de poner la manta sobre las pequeñas y retorcidas piernas de Ella y continuó arrullándola mientras la besaba en la mejilla, “Oh, dulce bebé ... " segía…

Mantuve a Ella allí por lo que pareció un largo rato; el tiempo siempre parece ralentizarse en los momentos sagrados. Ella estaba tranquila y contenta, y se volvió hacia Mema, hacia mí, de vuelta a Mema, la puesta de sol inundando la habitación con su grandeza.

Y luego, esa noche, leí esas líneas, "se contará lo que esta ha hecho, para memoria de ella." El espíritu santo me susurró: "Ella no conocerá a esta mujer poderosa cuyas nietas la admiran por lo que es, todo lo que ella hizo: tener sus propios bebés, volver a la escuela, obtener una maestría, convertirse en consejera escolar, ayudar a los niños con dificultades por décadas con un brillante sentido del humor, todo en un momento impopular para hacerlo. Ella no hizo nada de esto por elogios, ¡hizo estas cosas porque las sintió en si! Ella tenía poder. Nadie podría haber desviado su curso, ella no lo habría permitido. Paso a paso, un día tras otro, aparentemente insignificante, usó su amor y determinación para magnificar sus dones. Al hacerlo, dejará un legado que ya abarca las vidas de sus propios hijos, hijos de ellos, e hijos de ellos para siempre. Cuando esté lista para graduarse de la mortalidad, dejará un legado en nosotros que pasará a cada generación, a cada hija, a cada niño, que venga después de ella.

Esta fue mi lección de la mujer que buscó a su Salvador: tenemos tanto poder en nosotros que afectará a todas las generaciones después de nosotros, pero solo nosotros podemos activarla. Nadie más puede dar los pasos por nosotros. Así que cuando sus días se sientan monótonos e insignificantes, espero que escuche al Salvador decirle: "también habrá esto, que [Annie y Kate] han hecho, que se les diga un memorial de ella".

Las amo, mis niñas hermosas,

con amor, mama

my pool of bethesda

I am crazy for this blog of mine! It has evolved into a series of open letters to my powerful girls. This space will forever be for my heart, and all are welcome.

Today’s letter is addressed to both of my babies.

AnnieKate!

While you were sleeping I had a powerful experience reading a story in John, and I could hardly wait to share.

One day Jesus found himself beside the pool of Bethesda. Many congregated here because they believed it possessed healing qualities — when the water bubbled, whoever was first in the pool was healed!

Jesus addressed a man who had been unable to walk for 38 years! I imagine the man spent much of his time watching everyone else be healed. Jesus asked him, “Wilt thou be made whole?”

The man, not recognizing the Savior, answered, “Sir, I have no man, when the water is troubled, to put me into the pool: but while I am coming, another steppeth down before me.”

Lights seemed to turn on in my head and their short conversation struck me! This interaction became a lesson on Introspection, Trust, No More Excuses, and always, Faith in Christ.

The man told himself: “I would be made whole, but I can’t.” In other words: I can't walk. I move slowly. Everyone beats me. I've already tried it and when I try I fail. I have made multiple attempts and they did not work.”

Without hesitation Christ says, “Rise, take up thy bed, and walk.”

The man packed up his bed and walked away! But was he free of every problem every day after?! Nope! Was he "whole" right away?! Nope!

But he could walk!

My lesson from the pool of Bethesda was: no excuses; keep a steady closeness to the Savior, no matter how weak, unfit or unable I feel. He will do the rest.

Girls, in your attempts to “dream big and after you’ve done that dream bigger,” will you kick perfectionism and quick results to the curb?!

In seeking Him who makes you whole, your first miracle might be “getting your legs back.” But others will follow! You may witness one at a time, but over the course of your life - miracle by miracle - He will enlighten your mind and soften your heart, helping you become exactly who you were born to be. And He will do it because He loves you, because He is perfect.

Sometimes our invitations to “be made whole,” come via another’s voice, and they can be hard to recognize. Your mind might play tricks on you and say, "Well, actually there's this thing I have...it’s hard...and that thing...then this other thing happens...and no one is helping me.... But, yes! When I clear this all up then I will come and ‘be made whole!’"

If you will instead say,

"Yes, I’ll choose faith to be made whole. I will take the smallest possible step toward healing. And when I try and it doesn't seem to work I'm going to try again! And no matter how many times I fall I will not stay there! I know the Savior’s way fills me with happiness that spans the eternities, so I'm going to keep trying so He can mold me into exactly who I want to become,"

you will never be wrong.

It does not matter how many detours you take, how many times you slip up or fall down,

it is in your turning toward Him, again and again and again, that He makes you whole.

That is saving grace.

One word of caution: beware the differences between shame and guilt! Guilt feels like: I made a mistake but when I say “I’m sorry” I am filled with confidence, unity, happiness — I am healed. Shame feels like: I am bad. I have made too many mistakes, there is no going back. I am not worthy of love, blessings or forgiveness.

Shame lies. And shame never comes from God.

For now you live in an imperfect world and you will lose your footing. When that happens, hear Christ at the Pool of Bethesda saying to you, “Annie/Kate, Rise, take up thy bed and walk.” He is always helping you, one miracle at a time, even when you don’t see them right away — Bethesda does mean house of mercy or house of grace after all.

Never give up on yourself, your faith, your God. He knows exactly how you feel, all of the time, and He will pick you up as many times as you need.

I love you with all of me.

He loves you always.

Mama

If someone comes to your mind as you read these posts please feel free to share them. I would love for anyone who needs this to find it.

To subscribe to future blog posts click here.

SEATTLE: I’m coming back in June when the babies are born!!

UTAH: I’ll be there in May.

This is where you book your very own snuggle sesh/hang out/photoshoot!

Click here to ask any questions in the world (though I may only have answers for .00000001% of them ;)), or to share your thoughts with me. I listen better than I talk and I would love to hear your heart!

(Side note on this Sister Pic my dreams are made of: my girls have been wearing their hand-me-downs for years!!)

xo, Christina

Portra 400

Ilford Delta 3200

Pentax 645nii

Canon 1V

The sun

A family who says yes to it all, smiling the whole time

Goodman Film Lab

when am i enough?

One recent Sunday morning, I darted out of bed, tightened my running shoes and headed for the hill — the monstrous one out the front door. My out-of-shape lungs screamed in the 40-degree weather but sunshine embraced me at the top! Bright, bold orange seemed to cleanse me from my previous self and invited me in to a sacred moment. I stretched towards the sky to receive the light and unexpectedly began to cry.

Thoughts raced and I did what came naturally: opened my mouth to free the caged thoughts fluttering furiously inside, “It’s hard! So many things are hard for so many people! It’s so hard!”

I couldn’t stop moving, talking aloud at the top of a hill devoid of humanity yet lacking no life — hallowed ground on which to pray.

A piercing response came from Him: “Grace is not bound by your checkboxes.”

I paced and cried and gave space to my mind.

I thought of my own checkboxes — my list! All the things even I - one who strictly preaches grace ‘til the end of time! - get caught up believing I “have” or “need” to do. My own list, and its accompanying weight, surprised me!

Through searing breaths and free-falling tears I exhaled rounds of,

“Let themmmm ggooo!”

“Let…..themmm…alll….gooooo….”

A physical manifestation of my heart’s plea, a simple offering, and He carried them away with the wind.

Jesus knows NO checkboxes — he does not want my barrage of self-help plans or parades.

So when have I done enough? When am I enough?

There is no such thing.

We are always enough because we are His, “I have graven you on the palms of my hands.” So its all up from here!

Liberating me — even from myself — is His mission. The Savior holds healing in infinite doses. His is “boundless charity.”

“Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest…”

Goosie’s prayer the other night encompasses my feelings, “Thank you we can be who we can be...”

I hope today you find yourself filled up, thankful to “be who you can be,” and that you relinquish every checkbox (especially those of shame, self-doubt, and of never feeling “enough”) forever!

all my love to you,

Christina

P.S. One day I handed my cameras and light meter to my sister in law, Jessie. She took some perfect pictures of us in all our beachy glory one bright afternoon in Newport.

P.P.S. You never need permission to share these posts - if someone comes to your mind as you read, share away.

xoxo

SEATTLE! I have room for another shoot SATURDAY, MARCH 9TH (NEXT WEEKEND!!) Click this sentence to BOOK!

Light Dropped Directly to Your Inbox?!

you be you. I’ll be me. and can we be friends?

My heart pitter patters as your faces flutter through my mind while I write my posts! Thank you for being part of my journey, my evolving story. 

SO NOW WHAT...

My goal will never be to convert anyone to my belief system. I have no hidden agenda! 

Here's the deal:

I have 2 goals for my blog:

1. To journal my life lessons for my future self and for my children. (Don't we all say we are going to make a book outta this stuff one day?!)

2. To honestly and authentically share my feelings, in hopes that someone who feels alone or afraid, who may be looking for answers (rather a path to find answers), may be led to greater light and clarity in their circumstance.

This space is for anyone who might feel they are missing something - me included (there is always something I have a question about and am working out.) This place for me to plant my thoughts, hopes, dreams.

IF THE WORDS ARE NOT YOUR THING, MAYBE YOU ARE HERE FOR THE PICTURES

I recently felt I was posting "stuff" but ignoring the biggest part of me: the faith-based pieces that rely constantly on the Holy Ghost to guide me through business decisions, parenting decisions, life decisions.

I wondered, when will I feel 100 percent comfortable being ME in every interaction?! And if I can't wholly be ME how can I hope others will be THEM?! How will we connect with people if we cannot completely be ourselves, and extend grace to others so they can 100 percent be themselves?!

Now I write for me,

for my babes, and for anyone who feels sad, alone or confused, and who may need a glimmer of light, confidence in their journey, hope for a more brilliant future, and more peace than has previously settled upon them.

My dream is to write freely, unafraid, joyfully! 

I believe with everything inside of me that God speaks to His children, who we are. He wants to help us and I witness that daily. His arms are always outstretched still. That's all I want anyone to know, who is looking.

I'll be me, please you be you, and let's be friends.

Subscribe on my website for all things light-filled, hope centered, and travel dates!!

2019: Barcelona, Oahu, Seattle, SLC, Bay Area, California Everywhere

And to please keep in touch! I am an open book for all the questions relating to many things - I’ll do my best to help with whatever you need! 

xo, Christina

Portra 800

Ilford Delta 3200

Goodman Film Lab

Pentax 645nii

Canon 1V

Contact me HERE to schedule your engagement, birth, wedding, momma + babes, family, anniversary, elopement, or other session!

Walnut Street

(This was written last week two days before our leaving the most beautiful 7 months of our lives.)

I drove past Walnut Street today, downtown Huntington Beach. Memories, deep feelings, and inspiration washed over me.

7 months ago when Tyler and I were moving to Huntington Beach, finding an apartment was especially difficult. No one wanted to rent to someone they hadn’t met in person, no matter the amount of money one is willing to send ;) Managers kept telling me, “It just hasn’t been done before…”

We specifically wanted this cute apartment on Walnut street, directly one block off the beach!

We pulled out every sales pitch to no avail. That manager, and every manager, said “no.” It became the pattern of our hunt for a new home.

With only a few days left before driving away from Seattle, one manager took a chance on us. He let us FaceTime him, and my soon-to-be good friend even hauled her kids to the bank to get him a check that day!

Finally, a “Yes!”

This apartment in this area has been a miracle. An actual miracle. And today driving past Walnut Street the Holy Ghost taught me:

Had we moved into any other apartment, we would have attended a different ward (church). We would not have met distinct people we feel strongly we moved here to meet! These individuals caused us to ask questions that propelled us onto a new path, and in a new direction. We would not have been on a SIX MONTH lease that now allows us to move out and pursue big dreams!

Every “no” we received was crucial to the single “yes” we needed that was going to lead us to a new path - the most light-filled path, our direct course.  

When I let the days unfold His way, in His time, I give Him space to give the best gifts. And looking back I see each tender mercy that has led us to where we are now.

I am thankful for these moments, for the accompanying peace and surmounting joy they bring. My faith is strengthened in the seemingly small things. When my faith is strong I feel filled with power, with light. I am able to move slowly - to breathe slower, deeper, and trust more.

When I drove Annie to her last day of school in Huntington, I asked who she wanted to say the prayer; she wanted me to say it. I asked her if there was something special she wanted help with that day. She replied, “With my ahhwwtt" (art).” I began the prayer talking about how thankful I am for Annie - her light, her happiness, her talent of always taking care of people and helping. Then I prayed for her and her art that day: that she would produce art that reflected all of her happiness, her gifts, her dreams.

After that prayer my thoughts turned to the verse in Alma, “but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass;” I knew it was true - big miracles (like perfect apartments) come from small things (like simple prayers while driving to school).

These photos were taken on 35mm film (of my precious friend, Liz. If you want a beach shoot, or delicious in-home shoot, OR BOTH, in So Cal, with all of your lovers, GO FIND HER!)

I shot the roll (with multiple double exposures), then rewound it and weeks later shot it again. They were taken on Ektar 100 and pushed one stop. Processed and scanned by Goodman Film Lab.

SALT LAKE CITY, NYC, SEATTLE, BAY AREA, NOR CAL, SO CAL, BARCELONA, O’AHU!!!!! I’M COMING FOR YOU!!! If you want the most freeing photoshoot you have ever experienced book your newborn, elopement, birth, or whatever other session you want here! Even your husband will say, “That was fun!” I promise, it’s a good time!

xo, Christina

Also, call, text, email me with whatever questions you have! I am an open book (bless my husband for rolling in the “no privacy” kinda life. HA!

Vision

Why do we live at 40% our capacity?

What thoughts run wild in our minds that keep us from making changes necessary for us to thrive?! Mine go something like this, “I’m so tired. I’m not good enough. I don’t want to wake up. I’m so tired. I’m hungry. It’s cold. My hair is too greasy. My face is too hairy. Are the girls going to wake up right now? I’m so tired...” Endless ridiculous excuses - LIES -  that year after year confine me to some invisible hamster wheel. 

BUT!

I believe God wants to give us gifts - and only the best gifts.

To that end - choosing greater gifts - I am diving off my hamster wheel!

I have been listening to mind-over-matter podcasts. I read books about people born into horrific situations, yet overcome their adversity with optimism and hope. I read accounts of women and children rescued from sex slavery and their daily practice of choosing hope, choosing to live.

“Between 1942 and 1945 Frankl labored in four different camps, including Auschwitz, while his parents, brother, and pregnant wife perished. Based on his own experience and the experiences of others he treated later in his practice, Frankl argues that we cannot avoid suffering but we can choose how to cope with it, find meaning in it, and move forward with renewed purpose. Frankl's theory-known as logotherapy, from the Greek word logos ("meaning")-holds that our primary drive in life is not pleasure, as Freud maintained, but the discovery and pursuit of what we personally find meaningful.”

What is meaningful to me?! What is my vision?! What do I do with the extra time dishwashers and washing machines and the internet afford me? And why do I let my brain feed me lies that keep me from realizing these dreams, and helping others realize theirs? 

Every day that passes, I more strongly believe that this life is a feat of the body - a time to discipline this housing that holds my spirit. My spirit has vision! It craves travel, freedom, happiness, unity, and sharing wealth! It dreams of a simple life, free of clutter, that’s easy to pack up and move around. I have visions of unity: unity between body and spirit, oneness with my partner and babies, and unity with those I meet. Did you know separate hearts literally will beat as one?! I want to feel that unity, that oneness, with everyone (and might I add this was my biggest takeaway from the recent changes in the temple: everything, I felt, had to do with UNITY. At-One-Ment. Oneness. Perfect union of body and spirit, oneness with my partner, and oneness with everyone around me. And I don’t know if there has been a time I have felt more spiritually unified with any group of women than during that hour in the temple. It was deeply powerful, to me.)

On recent nights I have gone to sleep early, woken early and rested, but kept lounging in bed until I eventually fell back to sleep. My spirit wants to get up and get to work, but my body stays glued to my mattress killing my dreams!!! Feat of the body.

I overcome my sugar addiction, begin eating only small amounts of treats, and eventually I am craving treats for breakfast, lunch, and dinner even though I know it makes me cranky and sick!!! Feat of the body!

I’ll have thoughts and feelings to text, call, or set up dinner with someone, and then I put it off for who-know-what reasons!!! Feat of the body.

The list of addictions that feel impossible to overcome is endless. Add mental illness, disease and...! Bodies are powerhouses for good, but can be so difficult to work with! 

“We will have to suffer the pain of discipline, or the pain of regret. Self discipline is self love - if you want to be happy you have to love yourself which means you have to discipline your behavior. The road to sustained happiness is through disciplining your behavior.”

James Altichur says, “All decisions are either growth decisions or fear decisions. Only growth decisions point in the same direction as your inner compass for success.”

I do not have to let my body, and it’s lethargy, rule. I get to choose who wins: body or spirit. 

The Holy Ghost, and our own intuition, generally speak in quiet voices - ones we have to practice tuning into to hear, feel, and understand. My body and it’s cravings and addictions drown out the holy ghost and my own stillness and intuition (FEELINGS post coming next. I say that every time, but it’s really coming!). 

BUT NOT ANYMORE.

If ever I had a New Year’s Resolution this is it forever:

Let my spirit dictate what happens next, and make my body do that: oneness between body and spirit!

Don’t let my body drown out the quiet voice that will always keeps me on my direct course - the one leading me to the brightest light, the most happiness, to every perfect gift the Savior has for me.  

Now where do I muster the strength to do it?

1. I love this clip on YouTube (Min. 3:20-4:45 especially)

2. The biblical story of a woman who suffered 12 years with a debilitating illness. Her vision, “If I may touch but his clothes, I shall be whole.”

Russell M. Nelson said about this experience, “This faithful, focused woman needed to stretch as far as she could to access His power. Her physical stretching was symbolic of her spiritual stretching...When you reach up for the Lord’s power in your life with the same intensity that a drowning person has when grasping and gasping for air, power from Jesus Christ will be yours. When the Savior knows you truly want to reach up to Him - when He can feel that the greatest desire of your heart is to draw His power into your life - you will be led by the Holy Ghost to know exactly what you should do. When you spiritually stretch beyond anything you have ever done before, then His power will flow into you.”

I have visions. And even though I cannot see what is ahead, I know my “stretching” will open every gate for Godly power to flow into my life, and everyone else who wants it!

Happy New Year! Here is to dreaming up VISIONS, and getting after them without feeding ourselves hamster-wheel-loops of excuses!

xoxo, Christina

Pictures (mostly) from our camping trip with friends at Leo Carrillo State Park/Beach in Malibu.

4 MORE DAYS FOR 2-FOR-1 PHOTOSHOOTS IN ORANGE COUNTY! CONTACT me here to book it!!

BAY AREA - I will be visiting you once every month!

SEATTLE - I’m coming in the spring!

And who is eloping at Tahoe and Yosemite this year?! I have a screaming deal for wedding photos for you.

infinite horizons

Tyler called me from work today to tell me, “It’s a go.”

Mere minutes afterward I was pulling my car into a Target parking stall, blazing So Cal sun pouring into my eyes. I was toasty warm in my wool coat, still with the heater on low. A wave of inspiration and emotion swept over me. I felt the Holy Ghost whisper, “This will be you, in a few months, 115 degree days, and full of joy. You can be confident this is your next move and it will leave you with some of the sweetest moments you have yet experienced.” I parked and sat in stillness and tears, and gave thanks for a sacred vision of our near future.

We move next weekend, into the hills east of Sacramento, to my parent’s house so that Tyler can pound out work and school simultaneously.

I feel I am leaving my 6 month vacation. Though it was a crucial vacation! The sun, the waves, orange glow-y everything, the freedom of suburbia (I will never again trash-talk suburbia), were necessary for healing. And now it’s time to get back into a forward motion, chasing new hopes and new dreams.

One of the biggest lessons I am learning is: there are no limits on the life we can choose. The only limits placed on us are the ones we put on ourselves - by thought or by action (I have SO MUCH MORE to say on this topic, and it is my next blog post! But it’s still in its beginning stages. Sometimes it’s our bodies that are hard to read and help and mend and I am learning priceless lessons about my body…again, so much to say, coming soon.)

For now,

I wish everyone could see how much power they have to shatter their limits! Go big! and then go bigger! (Even if your body is hard to work with. And if you doubt that truth go read this book!)

AND FIND MORE LIGHT. It is ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS there. I hope you have the desire, and the courage, to run for it in 2019!!!! 

One day at a time, and with no clear path, we will be running right alongside you!!!!!

All my love,

Christina

P.S. My last blog post, just prior to Christmas, was written with my thoughts about Heavenly Mother and our relationship to her. It can be found here for anyone interested.

P.P.S. This super fun photos were taken in September during one of my trips to Seattle (the same trip I had 7 shoots in a matter of days.. That is my version of bliss.) And SEATTLE I’ll be back early Spring!

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Orange County we have 8 days to crank out 2 for 1 photoshoots. Sacramento, Bay Area, the rest of the world, I’m comin’ for you soon!!!

Whom Seekest Thou?

Jesus Christ invites everyone, “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matt 11:28-29

I have been wondering about certain doctrine, specifically relating to the doctrine of our Heavenly Mother. As I have pondered over these topics I felt enlightening moments. 

We know much about Jesus Christ because prophets have been teaching and writing about him for centuries. Multiple people throughout history have seen the Father and the Son, but we know little of our Heavenly Mother.

This is what I have felt as I have studied, and pondered:

While our Heavenly Mother (and Father) have endured an earthly experience, she has not endured our individual earthly experience. She has not felt all of my pain; she has not experienced all of my sorrow.

As much as I want to, I cannot completely understand all of my own children's pain or sorrow. As attentive as I try to be, I can never completely know what they are thinking, or how they are feeling, and why.

There is only one who knows the deepest depths of my heart: He who went to the garden three times in prayer “suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind;…[taking] upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.”

Alma 7 is one of my favorite chapters, “…there is one thing that is of more importance than they all…”

Has he experienced heartburn and morning sickness and pregnancy pains for 9-10 months? Yes.

“And he will take upon him death,”

Has he experienced the suffocating grief a mother must feel upon losing a child? Yes.

“he will take upon Him [Christina’s] infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor [Christina] according to [her] infirmities.” (Insert your name there!)

Has He physically and emotionally felt everything I, and every woman, could ever possibly suffer and be asked to endure? Yes. 

Why did He go willingly for me? Why did He choose to feel weight so crushing He bled from every pore? 

So that he could “succor” me in my infirmity! So He would know what it physically feels like. So that He could exactly attend to, minister to, care for, bring relief to, comfort, strengthen, and support, me in my needs.

Has he felt loneliness, abuse, addiction, sickness and every other heartbreak that any parent, child, friend, or human would ever experience? Yes.

His atonement is infinite: limitless, endless. By a miracle, and to wholly and completely understand our exact circumstance - to understand you and to understand me - his spirit and His physical body felt all of it.

And He did it out of perfect love for every single human ever born.

He is a gift - our perfect healer, perfect counselor, perfect comforter, perfect consoler, perfect friend. He is the only one who has walked our exact steps, felt our exact feelings - the only one who can take our loneliness, pain, sorrow, and despair and reverse it.

And he earned that right in the garden and on the cross.

So I ask myself: Is there something about His sacrifice that is lacking, that causes me to look elsewhere for comfort, guidance, connection?

What would be my response if He asked me, as He asked Mary Magdelene at His empty tomb, “Woman, why weepest thou? whom seekest thou?”

I believe both Heavenly Mother and Father want us to seek the prince of peace. They point us to the master healer, He who pours out mercy and grace and perfect love. Is that why every time the Father speaks he directs us to His Son, “This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased. Hear ye Him”?

Everything typifies of and points to Him who pleads with me,

“Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matt 11:28-29

”We talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ…” 2 Nephi 25:26

I know He heals every ailment as we increase our faith in Him, turn our hearts to Him, and try to be like Him.

He is everything.

“O come, let us adore Him” this Christmas season and always. Always. Always.

Thank you for being here.

xoxo,

Christina

P.S. I hope my blog posts invite introspection, study, pondering, and prayer. I hope they lead you, and me, to brighter light - to the brightest Light.

Speaking of lights………can anyone shine brighter than these? They are everyone’s favorites.

"you were the healer"

There are not many words to describe the way things are transpiring around here - we are mostly trying hard to follow our feelings.

I believe in that practice fiercely: following tender impressions.

But it can be scary because it means I take a step into the dark, or begin at zero, or…who knows what else?! Sometimes it feels like I’ll fall into a dark pit and a monster will eat me! On the other side of softening and submitting, of listening, is an elaborate pile of unknowns!

Sometimes what we cannot see feels like darkness. But that’s only because we haven’t given time the opportunity to shed light on it yet! Who knows but all your favorite colors are up ahead on high beams, shining blinding light you cannot see only because you haven’t stepped into it yet?!!

A month or so ago Annie was bouncing all over “Pa” (my dad) and I asked, “Dad, was I like that when I was little? Was I exactly like her?” (Because in my mind she and I are (mostly) exactly the same…)

My dad responded, “You were always taking care of people; you were the healer.”

In that instant he vocalized (and I learned!) my heart’s greatest desire! All I want is to be an instrument that is used to fill people with light and confidence.

When I die, I want to know I followed every impression, left nothing on the table, left no one behind, reached everyone I was sent to reach, on this, my personal journey through mortality.

I want to be an instrument in the hands of Light.

Here is where our recent changes come into play:

First, we do not have more answers than we do! We ride on faith daily for guidance and assistance. We practice asking, waiting, thinking, working through scenarios, praying, and waiting some more. We listen to the tiny impressions, thoughts, and feelings that come. And we receive answers.

****If you have questions, find a quiet place to pray, to talk, to converse and commune with heaven. Be open about all of your worries, your plans, your thoughts, your goalsdreamshopesfearswishes everything!!!

Then write down your impressions and thoughts and feelings.

Your answers will come, I promise! We are living it and it’s true.

Second, we had a plan, but then something unexpected (a miracle!) occurred so I need to wait for that to work itself out before I start blabbing anymore about plan details ;)

Third, we are moving eventually, so my blog and brand will change, but the idea has become sweet to me! I am ecstatic to evolve with everything this business and I become together.

Next, photography has been a spiritual journey and I want to be true to that.

So,

I feel “brightness” in announcing that my blog will mostly be composed of my spiritual thoughts, stories, experiences, and prayers, including specific things I learn from study. I will be sharing openly my thoughts about my life and what comes of the impressions I follow.

Ultimately, I want to share light - in all its forms. I get to do that through pictures and (very lacking) words (encompassed in big feelings.)

I want you to know you can find answers and help and guidance from Heaven!

I want you to be filled with light and confidence.

If you are aching, I want you to feel love, compassion, mercy, grace, and healing.

I hope you find those things here.

All my love, forever,

Christina

TRAVEL SHOOTS are about to begin around the bend of the new year! Contact me to book your DREAM shoot (I’m serious. Even your husband will say, “that was fun!!”

Bay Area! Nor Cal. Everywhere in CA. Everywhere period :) also SEATTLE, I’ll be back in March! East coast, NYC, North Carolina!! “Dream big and after you’ve done that, dream bigger” 🥰Howard Schultz -Starbucks CEO

to chase the light

These images come from the most sacred photoshoot in which I have ever participated.

An evening of remembering, of leaving some things behind to cling to others,

of grieving and healing, of waves that ebb and flow like tears, like laughter, like sorrow.

Conversations, time, and embraces with this family have forever changed me.

In moments of engulfing darkness they choose - and over again - a fight for light

almost at the cost of life.

I learn what it truly means to chase the light.

gone home, too

I am shooting more and more families like this one, who traveled from all over the states to Newport Beach for a family vacation! Grandma and Grandpa, their five kids, each of their spouses, and all of the grandkids joined in this fun.

Each shoot is beautifully unique to every family and their own story, and when they leave I feel like pieces of me have gone home with them.

@OURRESCUE giveaway

I want to share more photos and HAVE A SPECIAL GIVEAWAY HAPPENING NOW:

The GIVEAWAY is live until Friday night 9pm! 100 PERCENT OF THE PROCEEDS GO TO OPERATION UNDERGROUND RAILROAD - an incredible organization that rescues children from sex slavery. I have purchased the course but am giving it away to another photographer who wants to jump in and start taking pictures!

The course, The Light and Liberation Project, was designed for any photographer wanting to develop their skills. Details are in a quick video made by the photographers in that link. The photogs who created the content are TOTAL ROCKSTARS (one is even a former mentor of mine.) I love these people. If you want a free 2-hour long photography check it out my insta post here!

If you are thinking of delving in to photography don’t give up. Keep going. I am so happy about all of the photos that are being pumped out of my camera. I’m in shock when I go back and look at them. I love them even more as time passes.

This beautiful friend, Krystil, is also a fellow photographer. We laugh and play and chat and hang, plus she orders take-out when I’m at her house and whoever gives me food becomes my instant best friend.

I always tell myself I will only choose 10-15 of my favorite photos from a session, but when it comes down to it I can never whittle them down.

Check out this Portra 800 +1!!!! And this Ilford Delta 3200. I’m crazy about this stuff.

no more excuses

Oprah’s Masterclass podcast is by far my favorite of all the podcasts (with Seth Godin’s Akimbo a verrrrry close second.)

I’m currently listening to Oprah’s interview of Simon Cowell. Here are some favorite lines:

“The good news is, it can’t get any worse from here.”

“When I first started…I was never off the phone. If I had to sit there for a minute I always thought, ‘There is something going wrong here. So I would just hustle - daily. I’m just just sitting there, daily, making it up every day. Trying to make a living…”

“I mean, what a lot of people do, ‘It’s the radio people’s fault, it’s the video’s…’ Ya right! It wasn’t good enough. End of story. You made the decisions. Take it on the chin and learn from it. It’s the only thing you can do. And there is a certain positive you can take from that. Because you’re not kidding yourself. If you start kidding yourself you’re dead. You’re dead.”

I learned very early on not to make ANY excuses in photography. If something wasn’t going right I knew it was me - not any one else. And I have learned to love the hustle.

This is the exact reason I will NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER TELL MYSELF:

“No one will pay me that here.”

I have heard too many people - who have made it HUGE - talk, and they never fed themselves these types of lines, they hustled. And after a lot of years it paid off. I am a witness to that in my business and see where it takes me year after year.

If you need business advice call me - I’m really good at saying, “Stop making excuses. Stop spending hours on social media. HUSTLE - the rocky, muddy, up-hill-battle-with-rejection-after-rejection-after-rejection sort of hustle. And then you will see yourself standing at the top of the mountain looking back at all of your growth! And when you look out the other way you will see another mountain even bigger than the one you stand on - and you will want to climb that one! Because you know you can, and will, with the right amount of sweat equity, patience, and grace.”

Portra 800 for life. Canon 1V and Pentax 645nii (don’t waste your money on that camera - just buy the Pentax 645n - for those of you who are looking ;)) Goodman Film lab.

Call me to book your shoot: 801-473-2272! And if you feel so inclined, please send my website to everyone you know traveling to So Cal!

xoxo

christina

slice of orange heaven

so many feelings

not clear words

lots of pictures

I never know how much to say or not say. But once again, I’m just gonna go for it:

This was a recent response to an email I wrote to a friend (we don’t live near one another and rarely see each other. I recently spent a brief moment with her after 6 years. This was my take away after we tearfully shared difficulty, heartache, and success in all of 20 minutes):

“This observation shook me while driving away from our discussion: I see my own imperfections and those of my family members, and sometimes I think we are living a lesser version of ourselves because of them, but when I see you and your family I am shocked at how all I see (and saw) is how beautifully each of you is living life. I would never even think of, or care, what anyone’s faults might be because all I saw is how everyone is just THEIR OWN BEAUTIFUL SELF. 

I can’t even describe my feelings or thoughts well, except I came home wanting to extend so much more mercy and grace towards myself, and each of us, because I more clearly see beauty in the chaos, growth from imperfection. I see how our efforts…work! Tyler and I were both in tears the night I came home and I told him about each of your babies, and you, and [your husband], and our time together. My mind is flooded with, “How can I ever judge or criticize myself?” In our time together I saw so clearly how beautiful life is even with the messy parts.

[You were right - we just] keep trying. And most of all keep giving thanks for a Savior who creates beauty from my measly efforts. 

I am learning to abide: abide the chaos, abide the Savior’s embrace, abide in the scriptures. (“Abide” is my new favorite word... [Our favorite teacher] mentioned that on [that sacred ]Sunday morning the apostles were at the tomb, as well as Mary, but when the Savior was not inside they left! She chose to abide and [the resurrected Savior] appeared to her. [The teacher] said, “Abide longer in your scriptures, in the temple. When you receive revelation ask, “Is there any more?”) Recently I have chosen to abide [and felt a flood of answers and love and confidence]. I abide in family, even when it’s uncomfortable or I don’t know what to say or do, in study even when I’m tired, in worship when I feel angry or frustrated.

It’s what I see you do and I see how powerful it is and I want that, too. 

You are so wonderful I can’t even say it enough. 

Maybe none of this makes sense in word but it feels precious and important to me, and I want to remember it…

I love you!

Christina”

how i see

To My Girls

I sit and you eat. 

I sit and you talk.

I sit and you laugh.

I sit and you tell stories.

I sit, I watch, I listen, and then I see.

risk

The best things in my life have happened because i have taken a risk, even when some voices suggest it’s not a good idea:

reading the book of mormon

10-day social media fast

buying a camera

charging people for sessions

charging more for sessions

moving to orange county

reaching out to certain people i dreamed of photographing

changing my entire brand

Here is a bit about my next risky move:

I AM NEEDED: my strengths, my conversion, my conviction, my ability to lead, my wisdom, and my voice. Russell M. Nelson

“We love you for who you are.” Dallin H. Oaks

I am needed, and not on social media. 

I have recently learned that social media growth is a by-product of business growth - it is not the catalyst of business growth. Social media has been fantastic in connecting me with like-minded creatives who love to talk life, love, family, and photography,

but when President Russell M. Nelson invited women to take a 10-day social media fast, and simply record what we observed, I had no idea the scope of what that would show me about myself:

I have never felt more human. Within 1-2 days of being off I felt, and acted, dramatically less robotic - my interactions with my children were 1000% more natural. I had to think less, plan less, and work less to engage more - more willingly, more happily, more naturally, more playfully. Life unfolds itself to me naturally when I am not trying to document all of it (especially to meet the demands of an insatiable algorithm). I make an exponentially greater difference in lives when I am not addicted to my screen and the life-sucking scroll. 

I gained clarity in every other area of my life.

My priorities effortlessly fell into place. Social media gives me a faux sense of immediacy. In the last 10 days not once have I felt rushed to complete something, post something, write something - my decisions were made naturally and calmly and the least important item smoothly fell behind.

I stuck to tasks without getting distracted (even though my brain wanted me to “just check facebook really fast…” I did not cave and holy moly I had not realized how much time is spent doing nothing by “just checking really fast!!!”

I have less anxiety (which I did not notice I carried.) The absence of the constant unintentional comparison has brought more fulfillment, more satisfaction, more calm, to my brain and my heart. The social-media/phone addiction is a numbing agent that covers, or distracts me from, the negative things I would normally feel, think about, and work through. Without ever addressing them they fester. For me, without social media, I am exceptionally more at peace, even when life is chaotic.

It has been more deeply instilled in me that I am strong, I am wise, I am powerful, I am important, I am beautiful, I am smart, I have the gifts of discernment and of faith, I am capable, I am a rockstar mom, friend, and neighbor. I am a force.

I deeply enjoy learning about my body - learning to understand it, listen to it, and obey it. I love being filled with light, knowledge, and love, and sharing it! Those feelings are pouring into me as I naturally and deliberately spend my time doing the things that are most important right now: lying on the bed snuggling Kate watching a million shows, lying on my bed alone staring at the ceiling, building a raging photography business, bike rides, beach trips, cooking, answering Annie’s every question about how to spell every word in a paragraph, actively serving in my church and community, and taking quiet time for myself whenever I need it. 

Without social media I live.

So, I will keep staying off. I will pop on sometimes - maybe every 10 days, maybe not. But my time will be spent “building an empire” (as a dear mentor once told me I would, and she was right in every regard.)

I am building an email list to communicate when I will be where, and from there I will send out blog posts (almost) weekly.

I have huge business goals. 

If you come to So Cal and want a casual, sun-filled, light-filled, laughter-filled, love-filled photography session (mom and baby, family, couples, whatever else the heck you want) please come see me - I pour my heart into everything I do and if you don’t mind me falling head-over-heels in love with you I am your girl ;)

love, love, love, 

forever love, 

Christina

I just had a family come from all over the states for an extended family reunion and we took their photos on the beach! Portraits will be painless and seamless and then WE WILL PARTY. Click here to make your beach session happen!

soft

For me it feels better, calmer, to be soft.

I was sitting on the beach this evening talking with extended family. This mom of a beautiful daughter mentioned she had worked for a long time and was hard, but since recently deciding to stop working, she has become soft. Then she said something that felt powerful to me, “And, I don’t know, I think I prefer soft.”

I have felt a similar shift in my attitude - I ran from my family for so long that now that my mind and body have healed I feel myself being pulled into them like a magnet! As I walked into the airport headed for Seattle last week Kate blew kisses to me with my every step farther and farther away. I blew kisses back and wondered, “What am I doing?! Do I really want to leave this?!” So these days I wonder, what does photography have in store for me? Does it bring me closer to the ones I crave most? Sometime it doesn’t and I can finally accept and admit that.

I am praying and working and setting goals to give my greatest attention to the ones who deserve it most, at this time in our lives.

This weekend is general conference. Saturday and Sunday will be spent being soft, being open, listening to communication from heaven (because I know deeply that when I listen it comes.) I will choose soft. My mind, heart, and spirit will be one. In turn I will feel at one with my loves, my friends, my family, the world.

It’s funny how that works - soft can be interpreted as weak, but I will be soft - at one - and I will feel whole, complete, and strong.

Portra 800 forever. And to all of the families who embrace my chaos - I love you. Thank you for making images with me that feel beyond perfect in every regard. xo, Christina

forgive a city?!

I always vacillate between putting these precious thoughts of mine into the world or not, but after at-one-ment class tonight I feel these lessons so profoundly I can’t not write what I really feel. (Please forgive the run-ons, the typos, the imperfection - I don’t live for perfection, especially not in my blog posts…)

I spent 4 beautiful days in Seattle doing photoshoots this week and want to write specifically about my second night there. I climbed into bed, my mind wandering and not able to sleep. Out of nowhere I began to cry. I was simultaneously praying, thinking, wondering, and it came to me that I had never grieved my heartache associated with Seattle and I still harbored a lot of resentment against this city in which our lives changed so rapidly.

Each time I travel there, and the plane came down through the clouds, I get a pit in my stomach and remember how hard, how heavy, and how miserable it was. I cannot even think of enough words to describe how awful waking up every day, and barely surviving every night, was. My mind and body were in pain, the heartache was thick and completely debilitating. The weight of an entire ocean continuously washed over me while I wallowed in absolute darkness. After a few years of living there I no longer felt the holy spirit giving me guidance or comfort as he always had. My faith was absolutely depleted and I do not know why or how I crawled myself to church on Sundays. My brain left me miserable in every way.

All this to say, that moment the other night in bed shook me! As I cried and prayed I asked God, “Do I need to forgive a city and weather for ruining me, in a sense? Ruining my mind? My body? Is it completely abnormal that I harbor resentment towards a city, towards clouds, towards rain for robbing me of dreams never realized?!” 

In that moment, and through tears, I grieved the anger I consistently expressed towards my family. I grieved heartache and loss of faith. I grieved feelings of insecurity for leaving my “real job” and becoming a stay at home momma. I grieved staying home nursing and bleeding from allllll the places while my friends sent their kids to preschool and went to lunch together. I grieved absence of light and love and happiness.

Is it weird to feel the need to forgive an inanimate object? But that is what happened - a physical weight left my insides, lifted off my chest, and I was finally able to let go of blaming this place that wreaked havoc on my being and entrenched me in misery. I even forgave myself for constant negative self talk during that time, that turned out to be nothing more than lies anyway.

The next two pieces I share are where Christ’s GRACE has brought me, and I cannot believe what I learned tonight in class.

With this weight lifted I drove the next morning to my sunrise shoot. Over the horizon beamed the national forest that brought a flood of happy memories: bathing in the freezing Sol Duc Hot Springs in the Olympic National Park, endless camping trips with friends while the kids ran fully clothed or stark naked through ~50 degree sound water, driving home from camping at midnight when a mouse clawed my foot on the gas pedal (when Kate saw it in the mouse trap later she said, “Dat mouse go nigh-nigh in his bed.” More memories of road trips out of the city where the girls would fall asleep and Tyler and I would talk for hours! Babies eating gobs of cookie dough and bread dough and every other kind of dough, hikes where my legs were jell-o and Tyler would have an ergo on the front and an ergo on the back, a serious Dave Ramsey session post undergrad to get out of debt, every black Friday hiking the woods to cut down a Christmas tree in the forest (last year, I can’t remember why, for some psycho reason we ended up pulling over the side of the road, cutting something down from the freeway exit, jumping back on and driving home. Hashtag all the hashtags. But it was the most beautiful tree anyone has ever seen…)

With the pain removed, I could see beauty! I remembered all the good that came from our time there.

Pain, heartbreak, seems to send us to an early grave. Pain can make us feel weak, defeated. It’s easy to think we are moving 100 steps backward, 4 steps forward , and then another 8,000 steps backward. Everything felt like that for me when we lived in Seattle, I felt LIKE CONSTANT FAILURE - in every department.

BUT THIS IS WHAT I LEARNED:

NONE OF IT WAS FAILURE. NONE OF IT. EVEN ME MONSTER-LIKE YELLING AND MAD AND CRYING AND FIGHTING AND FLEEING AND NEVER GETTING ENOUGH OF WHAT I “NEEDED.” 

NONE OF WHO I WAS OR WHAT I DID WAS FAILURE. 

IT WAS INTENSE STRETCHING AND ALL OF IT. ALL OF IT. ALL OF IT WAS GROWTH. ALL OF IT.

I can never say enough: NONE OF IT WAS FAILURE.

ALL OF IT WAS GROWTH. 

I was talking with a dear friend one morning before a photoshoot and she said, “Your name came into my mind multiple times while you were here. I was praying for you. I even spoke with Bishop about you and he said, ‘Yes, I have been praying for her, too.’”

I fell into a puddle of tears because it became very clear that the reason I survived, the reason I survived, is because of those prayers.

I have asked myself for months how it is that I am here raising my girls in a new life we are building for ourselves, and now I know exactly how and why: people who felt a prompting said their prayers. And I will never be able to think about them without my heart bursting and tears flowing.

And then,

I’ve learned a bit about Job. He had this mindset of, “Whatever God wills…everything comes from God….whatever he wants I will do….I’m just a leaf in the wind going wherever the wind blows….”

NO.

We are not leaves on the wind - we have been given a brain and the gift to make choices and act for ourselves. Sometimes life gives us lemons. Everything isn’t “because God wills it.” Some things just happen. Like Seattle. 

God kinda gets on Job for a few chapters saying, “Stop blaming me for everything! It’s just life! This is what has happened to you! WHAT are you going to do about it?! You are in the “boat” of life. Here is your oar - start rowing!”

MY HUGE CONNECTION AND AH-HA MOMENT TONIGHT WAS: I THOUGHT SEATTLE WAS FAILURE. I THOUGHT I WAS A FAILURE MOM, FAILURE WIFE, FAILURE PERSON. I THOUGHT I HAD NO PURPOSE AND THERE WAS NO HEALING. I THOUGHT SEATTLE WAS GOING TO KILL ME. I felt I was fighting in vain, that nothing was working, nothing was changing, that I was stuck there forever, in bleak misery. (And that’s not dramatic - I WAS LIVING THAT LIFE.)

IT WAS NOTHING OF THE SORT. IN FACT IT WAS THE OPPOSITE!!!!!!! A TERRIBLE THING WAS HAPPENING TO MY BODY, MAKING MY BRAIN THINK (AND WANT) VERY SAD THINGS. BUT IN REALITY

IT WAS A PERIOD OF INTENSE STRETCHING 

AND 

ABSOLUTELY IMPERCEPTIBLE GROWTH.

BUT 

IT ALL WAS GROWTH.

I AM DIFFERENT NOW.

We live in a mortal world where hard things happen. But God is not the puppeteer, us his puppets. But because a Father sent his son, and that Son willingly gave his life for us, when the hard, scary, bitter things happen, everything that was bitter can be made sweet, AND NOT JUST SWEET, SWEETER than anything we have ever tasted.

When Job’s mindset shifted God restored everything back to him only MULTIPLIED!!

I have experienced God’s outpouring of everything that is sweet.

And now that I feel healing, light, peace, the holy ghost, love, I look back and reminisce on the good, while appreciating the pain as the catalyst for the transformation it afforded me - more importantly, what it affords my children and others I interact with on a more intimate level because of my experience.

Since the other night in Seattle I can look back and see the beautiful life we had: beautiful with the pain, beautiful with the sorrow, beautiful with the suffering and I would never trade one second of it for an easier path. I am now in a position to wrap my arms around you and say, “I am sorry it hurts. I have felt weak, too, and it is so hard. But I’ll stay here with you until you recognize how strong you are, again.”

Forever and always: reach out if you are sad or if you have questions or need suggestions. I’m a confidential open book.

No one can go so low that they cannot feel light, or love, or happiness again. And when you come out the other side the brightness will be blinding.