her mission on this earth -- mimi's passing

I have experienced God orchestrating beautiful moments, moments where all the people are exactly where they need to be, when they need to be there. And when it all converges my thoughts swirl, “How did that even happen?! That was a miracle.”

My grandmother, Mema to the grandkids, Mimi to the great-grandkids, passed away on the 24th of July and her last breaths were one of these orchestral instances.

My mom fed Mema breakfast and got her ready like every other morning. The girls and I had come home from a camping trip the night before, so that morning I sat at my computer - which I moved into her room - so I could catch up on emails and get a few things done. I heard her whisper, “Thank you.” I thought, “Did I hear that correctly?” I turned back and saw she was gazing up to the left above the window. I thought, “That’s interesting…” Just then I began to hear her struggling to breathe, her exhales loud and inhales strenuous. It was around 2:45. Her brow was furrowed, very unlike her cheery disposition. I grabbed my mom from the other room and said, “Something’s wrong.” My mom and I hurried back to Mema who was having a difficult time. Her coughing was abnormal and her breath heavy and difficult. My mom left the room to call Hospice (who had graduated her and couldn’t send immediate help) and I tried calling Mimi’s kids — Cindy first with no answer. Next, David, who said he was on his way. My dad also headed home (but we live in the hills and it takes time to get here…) My mom and I crouched around Mimi’s bed, holding her hands, kissing her face, saying as many I Love Yous and Thank Yous as one can muster at a time when no words do any feelings justice, the girls pouring over each side of her bed caressing her arms. My mom raced to make more phone calls while I sat next to her trying to be strong but crying and saying, “You’re doing great, Mimi! I love you! Go get Ma and Pa! Go home, Mema! You were the best grandma, Mimi! Thank you for perfect birthday parties and buying our favorite cakes and for taking care of all of us. You did everything for us! We love you, Mimi!” My mind was racing with, “Tell her happy things. Tell her all the good things” followed by “I can’t handle her in pain. I feel helpless. How am I sitting here doing nothing while she cannot breathe? Keep talking, tell her you love her…” (She had a DNR, her wish to pass at home.)

The thought came to me to FaceTime her only sibling, her brother Bob, who lives in Utah; she and Bob have been best friends their entire lives.

Looking back this is where I see the miracle begin. Our house was silent and still. Bob’s kids had just walked in the door to his house when I called. Through tears they immediately began to tell Mema how much they loved her and how wonderful she was. Bob comforted and talked to his sister including their inside jokes, “You’re my favorite sister,” and “you were such a good sister.” This is how the next 15 minutes passed, until she graduated mortality and her spirit slipped through an ever so thin veil, reuniting herself with their mom and dad, her husband (our Bacca who passed 20 month ago), and family and friends from their past. Those 20-30 minutes could not have been more tender, sacred, or perfect. She took her last breath around 3:14 pm hand in hand with people she cared for and comforted her whole life — I still have the letters she wrote to me while in college and on my mission, easing my fears, calming frustrations, sending hope.

The next few hours passed in a bustle of paramedics, fireman, the chaplain, and the mortuary in and out of the house. Mimi’s kids, grandkids and great-grandkids all arrived. We chatted, played, reminisced, snuggled babies and ate. Even one my best friends and her kids showed up within minutes of her passing. She and I were heading you Tahoe the next day so she took a Pitt-stop at our house. Our home was exactly as Mema showed us: friends become family and everyone’s welcome all of the time. All of the people and babies and laughter and tears was the ultimate gathering, a reverberating crescendo, in celebration of her brilliant life.

My mom and I both commented that if I had not moved my computer to her room (where I would work and chat at her while she rested or slept) that no one would have gone back into her room; she normally would have napped a long while requiring no assistance. She would have passed alone.

In a very short amount of time her passing converged in perfect harmony, specifically the piece of her brother and his family comforting her as she finished her mission on this earth.

These moments of glorious orchestration don’t happen often, but when they do I am reminded that it was not anything I did — they are gifts, tender mercies from the Savior to His children, who He loves perfectly. His arms always are “outstretched still.”

I had so many thoughts that afternoon, evening and into the next morning:

1. Her room felt cold and empty when she was no longer in it. I realized that one of Mema’s spiritual gifts was The Gift of Comfort. She made you feel warm by her words and actions. She even warmed the room she sat in. Now that she is no longer here, the void, the cold, is palpable.

2. Our life on this earth is nothing more than a blink in an eternal plan. The joy, the pain, it happens in a millisecond compared to our eternal destiny. When Mema was suffering every breath hurt my insides. Her scrunched body, her quivering lips, her loud breaths, I wanted it to stop! But there was a moment after she passed that only my mom and the girls were sitting in her still room and I felt, how did that happen so fast?! She was just here, and now she’s not, and it happened faster than I can comprehend. She has struggled with Alzheimer’s for years! She lived in my parent’s home for 8 months where they have fed her, bathed her, chatted with her, teased her, laughed with her — where every day feels like a marathon and you want her suffering to end, but then when it does you have a clarity you didn’t have previously:it happened so fast. When it’s over you remember: carrot cakes from Costco for my pool parties every July, her taking me to the store and buying me three new pairs of shoes, “it’s just money, don’t be scared of it” she’d say as my sister reminded me. She and I would eat frozen ho-hos and chat at her dining table almost every night when I lived with her. She’d whip up some New Mexican enchiladas, replete with a fried egg on top, for whoever came through her door. And now she’s gone home and those things were nothing more than a blink. When the struggle is over and the clarity comes, it was only an instant.

3. Endurance. In April when my parents went to Europe for two weeks I took care of Mema. One night she almost died. She kept saying, a little frustrated, “I see this place but I can’t get there, I can’t get there!” The night before she passed my dad was feeding her dinner and she said to him, “I’m ready to go, can you help me?” My eyes have been opened to the word “endure.”

   If you endure, however ugly it might look or feel to you, however much you don’t like what’s happening, if you endure, you win. “Enduring well,” to me, means enduring period.

   “Enduring well” doesn’t mean I do all the things and am joyous and “love every second.” I got teary-eyed listening to this sincere clip from Elder Hales about deep depression and physical pain that didn’t let up.

4. Our mission won’t look like, or compare to, anyone else’s. Mema didn’t live to post —nothing she did was for anyone else to see. I still have lessons to learn here but my thoughts brew and I feel change coming that I hope feeds more souls.

I love my family and the grandmother who bore us. She was a woman who spent her entire life laughing and comforting. She was a leader, teacher, school counselor, wife, mom, grandma, great-grandma and when she was with you you felt you were the most important person in the world.

One day a few months ago all of her children and great-grandchildren arrived at the house. These images come from our impromptu shoot.

We know you are partying and loving and teaching and caring even now, Mimi, but we still miss your laughter, warmth, counsel and comfort.

‘Til We Meet Again, Mema. We love and thank you for spending your life making each of ours lighter and brighter.

fall travel sessions + birthday discount

MY BIRTHDAY IS COMING.

I love my birthday. While I love a rockin’ pachanga, this year I am super content with the simple life. I want Tyler to keep working his buns off to ace his class, so the girls and I may drive to Santa Cruz, sit on the beach, eat treats, and soak in all the seconds of it. My heart is happy dreaming up adventures.

Here’s the gritty truth:

Me encanta mi cumpleaños. Si bien amo una pachanga, este año estoy súper contenta con la vida simple. Mientras Tyler se esfuerza bastante sacar buenas noticas en su clase, las chicas y yo tal vez vamos a Santa Cruz a sentarnos en la playa a comer postres. Mi corazón está feliz soñando con aventuras.

Aquí está la verdad áspera:

After coming home from Utah a couple weekends ago, I had a beautiful day with Tyler and the girls. That night I don’t know what happened but I melted down. My meltdowns, by default, always go to God. All I could get out through ugly tears was, “I’m so bad at this. I hate being a mom. I’m terrible. It’s too hard. I don’t like it. I’m not meant for momlife. I don’t want to do this. I’m so bad at this…” After my amen I climbed into bed (ya…my brain is a special place…).

Después de regresar a casa desde Utah hace un par de fines de semana, tuve un hermoso día con Tyler y las niñas. Esa noche no sé qué pasó, pero me derretí. Mis derrumbes, por defecto, siempre van a Dios. Todo lo que pude llorar a través de las lágrimas fue: "Soy tan mala en esto. Odio ser madre. Soy terrible. Es muy dificil. No me gusta. No estoy hecho para la vida familiar. No quiero hacer esto. Soy tan mala en esto …” Después de mi amén, me acosté en la cama (si, mi cerebro es un lugar especial).

Two days later the girls and I went on our massive bike trek. It was over the course of those two days that I realized: “I HAVE TO HAVE ADVENTURES. I lose my mind when I am home. If I am not outside moving my body, my children moving theirs, my brain BREAKS.” It was so perfect being outside, forced to do hard work. I think I keep trying to fit a different mom mold: happy with my children around me the whole summer, happy they are little and want and need me, happy when they ask to snuggle every night… But I am floundering in that mentality! That is not where my strengths lie. It’s hard to let the version of the mom I envisioned go, and accept the version I feel I am: hands off, with high expectations, and mostly adventure driven! Tyler’s strengths are in humor — he turns everything into a game and everyone laughs the entire time — while I prefer to be entertained just as much as my children.

Dos días después, las chicas y yo fuimos en nuestra caminata masiva en bicicleta. Fue durante esos dos días que me di cuenta: “TENGO QUE TENER AVENTURAS. Me pongo completamente loca cuando estoy en casa. Si no estoy afuera moviendo mi cuerpo, mis hijas moviendo el de ellas, mi cerebro se rompe!” Fue tan perfecto estar afuera, forzado a hacer un trabajo duro. Creo que sigo intentando encajar en un modelo de mamá diferente: feliz con mis hijos a mi alrededor todo el verano, felices que son pequeños y que me quieren y que me necesitan, felices cuando piden acurrucarse todas las noches ... ¡Pero estoy hundiendo en esa mentalidad! Ahí no están mis fortalezas. Es difícil dejar ir la versión de la mamá que imaginé, y aceptar la versión que siento que soy: manos libres, con altas expectativas, ¡y feliz cuando guiada por la aventura! Las fortalezas de Tyler están en el humor: convierte todo en un juego y todos se ríen todo el tiempo. Todavía sigo pensando que así debo ser yo, en vez de hacer lo que nos sirve a mí y a mis hijas.

If I am not actively making adventures happen outside, my brain has too much time to wander, to think, to sink! and for me it’s problematic.

Si no estoy haciendo que las aventuras nos pasen, mi cerebro tiene demasiado tiempo para vagar, para pensar, y para mí es completamente problemático.

So I planned a million adventures, filled up every week of the summer! The thought alone speaks peace to my soul. So maybe we will spend my birthday adventuring around Santa Cruz. Maybe paddle boarding the river. Whatever we choose it all happens on the 16th.

Which means everyone who wants it has

6 days to purchase a family photo session at 16% off!

Así que planifiqué un millón de aventuras! Cada semana del verano está llena! El pensamiento solo me habla paz a mi alma. Así que tal vez pasamos mi cumpleaños de aventuras en Santa Cruz. Tal vez remar a bordo del río. Lo que elijemos, todo sucede el día 16. Lo que significa es que quien lo quiera tiene

6 DIAS PARA COMPRAR UNA SESION DE FOTOS FAMILIARES A 16% DESCUENTO!

Happy Birthday to me!

ORANGE COUNTY, CA: Aug 8-11 (2 more photoshoots)

HONOLULU, HI: Aug 19-24 (2 more photoshoots)

SEATTLE, WA: Sept 6-8 (2 more photoshoots)

SANTA CRUZ, CA: Oct 1-5

NORCAL+RENO+TAHOE: Always

Photoshoots in each city are first come first served. Payment options available so it’s easy!

CONTACT ME HERE TO SCHEDULE

(I’ve never been to Honolulu, or Hawaii at all!! Please send all non-touristy things to do!! And food — send all the foodie food!)

Here are my parents who sacrifice everything they have and are for their children and those they love.

Sunset Huntington Beach 2018.

Annie’s Birthday 2019

Our pond

Portra 160

120mm

For the photogs: Portra 800. Indie Film Lab and Goodman Film Lab. Pentax 645nii and Canon 1v.

have miracles ceased?

Annie and Kate,

I wanted to remember our short scripture study tonight (by the way they are always short! My mantra is small and simple things, never perfection, and give thanks; trust His process. In frequent daily experiences the Savior consecrates every tiny effort for our gain):

Quería recordar nuestro breve estudio de las Escrituras esta noche (¡de hecho, siempre son breves! Ahora mi mantra es: cosas pequeñas y simples, nunca perfección y dar gracias; confíe en Su proceso. En experiencias diarias lo veo al Señor consagrar cada pequeño esfuerzo por mi beneficio):

In the evening you will not sleep until we “wead Book of Moh-muhn” (even though we are actually reading the New Testament and Come, Follow Me.)

Tonight I felt the spirit when we talked about things that are hard: Because He chose to do hard things, our Savior was given power to help you and me do hard things.

En la noche, no se duermen hasta que "leemos el Libro de Moh-muhn" (a pesar de que en realidad estamos leyendo el Nuevo Testamento y Ven, Sígueme).

Esta noche sentí el espíritu cuando hablamos de las cosas que son difíciles: debido a que Cristo eligió hacer cosas difíciles, a Él le fue dado el poder para ayudarte a ti y a mí hacer cosas difíciles.

In the garden of Gethsemane Jesus felt and overcame every person’s pain who would ever live (physical, spiritual and emotional).

He endured the hardest hard.

Al ir al jardín de Getsemaní, para sentir y superar el dolor de cada persona que viviría (físico, espiritual y emocional),

Jesucristo soportó lo más grave.

The pressure and difficulty of the task was so surprising that even He, the son of God, asked, “O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.”

Even a God asked not to drink from that harrowing cup. But he chose to say, “Nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.” In other words, “Even though it’s hard, I will move forward anyway.”

La presión y dificultad de la tarea fue tan sorprendente que incluso Él, el hijo de Dios, preguntó, "Oh, Padre mío, si es posible, deja que pase esta copa de mí; sin embargo, no como yo quiero, sino como tú quieras".

Incluso un Dios no quería beber de esa copa desgarradora. Pero él eligió decir: "No obstante, no como yo lo haré, sino como tú lo harás". En otras palabras, "aunque sea difícil, seguiré adelante.”

And because He did, He now can give power to you as me to do the same - conquer hard things I don’t want to do, or don’t think I can succeed in.

At times we feel extra strong and committed like when Peter said to Christ, “I am ready to go with thee, both into prison and to death.” And some days we beg for the cup to pass, “O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me:” but if you and I can eek out an, “nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt” His power and miracles will envelop us. I have watched it happen to your dad and I again and again! I feel power, light, revelation, and my heart expands 500 times its size. I have learned that what Moroni said at the end of the Book of Mormon is true, “...have miracles ceased? Behold I say unto you, Nay; neither have angels ceased to minister unto the children of men...showing themselves unto them of strong faith and a firm mind…”

This is real to me because I experience it daily.

Porque el lo hizo, se le dio poder para ayudarte a ti hacer lo mismo: conquistar las cosas difíciles que a lo mejor no quieres soportar, o las cosas en las que no te crees tendras éxito.

A veces nos sentimos extra fuertes y comprometidos, así como le dijo Pedro a Cristo: "Estoy listo para ir contigo, tanto a la cárcel como a la muerte". Y a veces rogamos que se nos pase la copa, "Padre mío, si es posible, deje que esta copa pase de mi” pero si usted y yo podemos llorar, “sin embargo, no como yo quiera, sino como usted "Su poder y milagros nos envolverán. Lo he visto pasar a tu papá y a mí una y otra vez. Siento poder, luz, revelación, y mi corazón se expande 500 veces su tamaño. Aprendí que lo que Moroni dijo al final del Libro de Mormón es cierto: "... ¿han cesado los milagros? He aquí, te digo: No; ni tampoco los ángeles han dejado de ministrar a los hijos de los hombres ... mostrándose a ellos con una fe firme y una mente firme ...”

Sé que esto es real porque lo vivo a diario.

A favorite thought comes from Elder Jeffrey Holland, “If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead.”

Una cita preferida viene de Elder Jeffrey Holland: "Si esos milagros no se producen pronto, en forma total o aparente, recuerde el angustioso ejemplo del Salvador: si la copa amarga no pasa, bébala y sea fuerte, confiando en los días más felices por delante."

I love you forever. He loves you always.

Te amo por eternidades. Él te ama siempre.

Momma

More notes to follow including summer travel dates.

Mas sigue abajo incluso las fechas de viaje de verano.

I believe my faith in Jesus Christ produces countless miracles in my family's life, thus my blog has transformed into a faith-based blog. Subscribe by clicking here to receive travel dates and photos, subscriber codes, and the sacred lessons I learn by grace, directly in your inbox. I hope you find hope, love, light and faith here — that you are led to see the miracles God gives to each of His daughters and His sons that He loves so perfectly. If someone comes to mind while you read this email please feel free to forward it to them.

SUMMER Travel Dates:

UTAH: June 22 (I can take one more photoshoot)

SAN FRANCISCO/PALO ALTO: JUNE 28 (I can take one photoshoot)

SEATTLE: Middle of July (Exact date to be determined and I can take 4 photoshoots)

SANTA BARBARA/MORRO BAY: Jul 28 - 29 (I can take one more photoshoot)

YOSEMITE: Aug 31 - Sept 2 (I can take two photoshoots)

SANTA CRUZ: Sept 29 - Oct 4 (I can take two more photoshoots)

It’s a hang out. I get a little bossy and press a shutter while forgetting to breathe and also sweat a ton and get all caught up loving you through my lens and then you get a collage back of everything we all love about YOU. If you would like a payment option contact me; together we can make anything happen!

love to all,
Christina

my pool of bethesda

I am crazy for this blog of mine! It has evolved into a series of open letters to my powerful girls. This space will forever be for my heart, and all are welcome.

Today’s letter is addressed to both of my babies.

AnnieKate!

While you were sleeping I had a powerful experience reading a story in John, and I could hardly wait to share.

One day Jesus found himself beside the pool of Bethesda. Many congregated here because they believed it possessed healing qualities — when the water bubbled, whoever was first in the pool was healed!

Jesus addressed a man who had been unable to walk for 38 years! I imagine the man spent much of his time watching everyone else be healed. Jesus asked him, “Wilt thou be made whole?”

The man, not recognizing the Savior, answered, “Sir, I have no man, when the water is troubled, to put me into the pool: but while I am coming, another steppeth down before me.”

Lights seemed to turn on in my head and their short conversation struck me! This interaction became a lesson on Introspection, Trust, No More Excuses, and always, Faith in Christ.

The man told himself: “I would be made whole, but I can’t.” In other words: I can't walk. I move slowly. Everyone beats me. I've already tried it and when I try I fail. I have made multiple attempts and they did not work.”

Without hesitation Christ says, “Rise, take up thy bed, and walk.”

The man packed up his bed and walked away! But was he free of every problem every day after?! Nope! Was he "whole" right away?! Nope!

But he could walk!

My lesson from the pool of Bethesda was: no excuses; keep a steady closeness to the Savior, no matter how weak, unfit or unable I feel. He will do the rest.

Girls, in your attempts to “dream big and after you’ve done that dream bigger,” will you kick perfectionism and quick results to the curb?!

In seeking Him who makes you whole, your first miracle might be “getting your legs back.” But others will follow! You may witness one at a time, but over the course of your life - miracle by miracle - He will enlighten your mind and soften your heart, helping you become exactly who you were born to be. And He will do it because He loves you, because He is perfect.

Sometimes our invitations to “be made whole,” come via another’s voice, and they can be hard to recognize. Your mind might play tricks on you and say, "Well, actually there's this thing I have...it’s hard...and that thing...then this other thing happens...and no one is helping me.... But, yes! When I clear this all up then I will come and ‘be made whole!’"

If you will instead say,

"Yes, I’ll choose faith to be made whole. I will take the smallest possible step toward healing. And when I try and it doesn't seem to work I'm going to try again! And no matter how many times I fall I will not stay there! I know the Savior’s way fills me with happiness that spans the eternities, so I'm going to keep trying so He can mold me into exactly who I want to become,"

you will never be wrong.

It does not matter how many detours you take, how many times you slip up or fall down,

it is in your turning toward Him, again and again and again, that He makes you whole.

That is saving grace.

One word of caution: beware the differences between shame and guilt! Guilt feels like: I made a mistake but when I say “I’m sorry” I am filled with confidence, unity, happiness — I am healed. Shame feels like: I am bad. I have made too many mistakes, there is no going back. I am not worthy of love, blessings or forgiveness.

Shame lies. And shame never comes from God.

For now you live in an imperfect world and you will lose your footing. When that happens, hear Christ at the Pool of Bethesda saying to you, “Annie/Kate, Rise, take up thy bed and walk.” He is always helping you, one miracle at a time, even when you don’t see them right away — Bethesda does mean house of mercy or house of grace after all.

Never give up on yourself, your faith, your God. He knows exactly how you feel, all of the time, and He will pick you up as many times as you need.

I love you with all of me.

He loves you always.

Mama

If someone comes to your mind as you read these posts please feel free to share them. I would love for anyone who needs this to find it.

To subscribe to future blog posts click here.

SEATTLE: I’m coming back in June when the babies are born!!

UTAH: I’ll be there in May.

This is where you book your very own snuggle sesh/hang out/photoshoot!

Click here to ask any questions in the world (though I may only have answers for .00000001% of them ;)), or to share your thoughts with me. I listen better than I talk and I would love to hear your heart!

(Side note on this Sister Pic my dreams are made of: my girls have been wearing their hand-me-downs for years!!)

xo, Christina

Portra 400

Ilford Delta 3200

Pentax 645nii

Canon 1V

The sun

A family who says yes to it all, smiling the whole time

Goodman Film Lab

Whom Seekest Thou?

Jesus Christ invites everyone, “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matt 11:28-29

I have been wondering about certain doctrine, specifically relating to the doctrine of our Heavenly Mother. As I have pondered over these topics I felt enlightening moments. 

We know much about Jesus Christ because prophets have been teaching and writing about him for centuries. Multiple people throughout history have seen the Father and the Son, but we know little of our Heavenly Mother.

This is what I have felt as I have studied, and pondered:

While our Heavenly Mother (and Father) have endured an earthly experience, she has not endured our individual earthly experience. She has not felt all of my pain; she has not experienced all of my sorrow.

As much as I want to, I cannot completely understand all of my own children's pain or sorrow. As attentive as I try to be, I can never completely know what they are thinking, or how they are feeling, and why.

There is only one who knows the deepest depths of my heart: He who went to the garden three times in prayer “suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind;…[taking] upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.”

Alma 7 is one of my favorite chapters, “…there is one thing that is of more importance than they all…”

Has he experienced heartburn and morning sickness and pregnancy pains for 9-10 months? Yes.

“And he will take upon him death,”

Has he experienced the suffocating grief a mother must feel upon losing a child? Yes.

“he will take upon Him [Christina’s] infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor [Christina] according to [her] infirmities.” (Insert your name there!)

Has He physically and emotionally felt everything I, and every woman, could ever possibly suffer and be asked to endure? Yes. 

Why did He go willingly for me? Why did He choose to feel weight so crushing He bled from every pore? 

So that he could “succor” me in my infirmity! So He would know what it physically feels like. So that He could exactly attend to, minister to, care for, bring relief to, comfort, strengthen, and support, me in my needs.

Has he felt loneliness, abuse, addiction, sickness and every other heartbreak that any parent, child, friend, or human would ever experience? Yes.

His atonement is infinite: limitless, endless. By a miracle, and to wholly and completely understand our exact circumstance - to understand you and to understand me - his spirit and His physical body felt all of it.

And He did it out of perfect love for every single human ever born.

He is a gift - our perfect healer, perfect counselor, perfect comforter, perfect consoler, perfect friend. He is the only one who has walked our exact steps, felt our exact feelings - the only one who can take our loneliness, pain, sorrow, and despair and reverse it.

And he earned that right in the garden and on the cross.

So I ask myself: Is there something about His sacrifice that is lacking, that causes me to look elsewhere for comfort, guidance, connection?

What would be my response if He asked me, as He asked Mary Magdelene at His empty tomb, “Woman, why weepest thou? whom seekest thou?”

I believe both Heavenly Mother and Father want us to seek the prince of peace. They point us to the master healer, He who pours out mercy and grace and perfect love. Is that why every time the Father speaks he directs us to His Son, “This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased. Hear ye Him”?

Everything typifies of and points to Him who pleads with me,

“Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matt 11:28-29

”We talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ…” 2 Nephi 25:26

I know He heals every ailment as we increase our faith in Him, turn our hearts to Him, and try to be like Him.

He is everything.

“O come, let us adore Him” this Christmas season and always. Always. Always.

Thank you for being here.

xoxo,

Christina

P.S. I hope my blog posts invite introspection, study, pondering, and prayer. I hope they lead you, and me, to brighter light - to the brightest Light.

Speaking of lights………can anyone shine brighter than these? They are everyone’s favorites.

"you were the healer"

There are not many words to describe the way things are transpiring around here - we are mostly trying hard to follow our feelings.

I believe in that practice fiercely: following tender impressions.

But it can be scary because it means I take a step into the dark, or begin at zero, or…who knows what else?! Sometimes it feels like I’ll fall into a dark pit and a monster will eat me! On the other side of softening and submitting, of listening, is an elaborate pile of unknowns!

Sometimes what we cannot see feels like darkness. But that’s only because we haven’t given time the opportunity to shed light on it yet! Who knows but all your favorite colors are up ahead on high beams, shining blinding light you cannot see only because you haven’t stepped into it yet?!!

A month or so ago Annie was bouncing all over “Pa” (my dad) and I asked, “Dad, was I like that when I was little? Was I exactly like her?” (Because in my mind she and I are (mostly) exactly the same…)

My dad responded, “You were always taking care of people; you were the healer.”

In that instant he vocalized (and I learned!) my heart’s greatest desire! All I want is to be an instrument that is used to fill people with light and confidence.

When I die, I want to know I followed every impression, left nothing on the table, left no one behind, reached everyone I was sent to reach, on this, my personal journey through mortality.

I want to be an instrument in the hands of Light.

Here is where our recent changes come into play:

First, we do not have more answers than we do! We ride on faith daily for guidance and assistance. We practice asking, waiting, thinking, working through scenarios, praying, and waiting some more. We listen to the tiny impressions, thoughts, and feelings that come. And we receive answers.

****If you have questions, find a quiet place to pray, to talk, to converse and commune with heaven. Be open about all of your worries, your plans, your thoughts, your goalsdreamshopesfearswishes everything!!!

Then write down your impressions and thoughts and feelings.

Your answers will come, I promise! We are living it and it’s true.

Second, we had a plan, but then something unexpected (a miracle!) occurred so I need to wait for that to work itself out before I start blabbing anymore about plan details ;)

Third, we are moving eventually, so my blog and brand will change, but the idea has become sweet to me! I am ecstatic to evolve with everything this business and I become together.

Next, photography has been a spiritual journey and I want to be true to that.

So,

I feel “brightness” in announcing that my blog will mostly be composed of my spiritual thoughts, stories, experiences, and prayers, including specific things I learn from study. I will be sharing openly my thoughts about my life and what comes of the impressions I follow.

Ultimately, I want to share light - in all its forms. I get to do that through pictures and (very lacking) words (encompassed in big feelings.)

I want you to know you can find answers and help and guidance from Heaven!

I want you to be filled with light and confidence.

If you are aching, I want you to feel love, compassion, mercy, grace, and healing.

I hope you find those things here.

All my love, forever,

Christina

TRAVEL SHOOTS are about to begin around the bend of the new year! Contact me to book your DREAM shoot (I’m serious. Even your husband will say, “that was fun!!”

Bay Area! Nor Cal. Everywhere in CA. Everywhere period :) also SEATTLE, I’ll be back in March! East coast, NYC, North Carolina!! “Dream big and after you’ve done that, dream bigger” 🥰Howard Schultz -Starbucks CEO

gone home, too

I am shooting more and more families like this one, who traveled from all over the states to Newport Beach for a family vacation! Grandma and Grandpa, their five kids, each of their spouses, and all of the grandkids joined in this fun.

Each shoot is beautifully unique to every family and their own story, and when they leave I feel like pieces of me have gone home with them.

soft

For me it feels better, calmer, to be soft.

I was sitting on the beach this evening talking with extended family. This mom of a beautiful daughter mentioned she had worked for a long time and was hard, but since recently deciding to stop working, she has become soft. Then she said something that felt powerful to me, “And, I don’t know, I think I prefer soft.”

I have felt a similar shift in my attitude - I ran from my family for so long that now that my mind and body have healed I feel myself being pulled into them like a magnet! As I walked into the airport headed for Seattle last week Kate blew kisses to me with my every step farther and farther away. I blew kisses back and wondered, “What am I doing?! Do I really want to leave this?!” So these days I wonder, what does photography have in store for me? Does it bring me closer to the ones I crave most? Sometime it doesn’t and I can finally accept and admit that.

I am praying and working and setting goals to give my greatest attention to the ones who deserve it most, at this time in our lives.

This weekend is general conference. Saturday and Sunday will be spent being soft, being open, listening to communication from heaven (because I know deeply that when I listen it comes.) I will choose soft. My mind, heart, and spirit will be one. In turn I will feel at one with my loves, my friends, my family, the world.

It’s funny how that works - soft can be interpreted as weak, but I will be soft - at one - and I will feel whole, complete, and strong.

Portra 800 forever. And to all of the families who embrace my chaos - I love you. Thank you for making images with me that feel beyond perfect in every regard. xo, Christina

Where darkness melts into light...

Where darkness melts into light

Lines meet and quickly fade.

Expectations dissolve and

Given new ears I hear

The melody she sings

When not confined to the shadows.

There is an artist, photogtapher, writer I love, Amy Grace, who is the master of combining words and photos. I want to be a better writer - and reader - and put my thoughts down, especially in a way that specifically makes sense me. Here is my attempt and poetry; I hope it's a lifelong friendship.

"...to the core."

 "...we love each other, to the core." That is how Kennedy describes the love she and Chris share.

Sometimes in the hustle and bustle, comings and goings, and stuff that presents itself in our relationships, it can be hard to remember that we loved one another "to the core." Somehow those moments, mistakes, or habits, become more important than the person we love, or once loved. 

While it is work, and was not meant to be easy, I am sure the growing pains will have unified us. When we are old and gray, and he paints my fingernails and feeds me oatmeal (not to mention changes my diapers), the hard stuff will be nothing more than a distant memory.  

This is my reminder to recommit to choose love.

To always choose love.

Love at Home

“After all," Anne had said to Marilla once, "I believe the nicest and sweetest days are not those on which anything very splendid or wonderful or exciting happens but just those that bring simple little pleasures, following one another softly, like pearls slipping off a string.” 

L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Avonlea

Mamabird

"You should not have come today. It's a free day, for everyone to enjoy." The lady who stopped our photoshoot to continually lecture me about how I - and the other photographers - should not be there in their way.

"Moooommmmm!!!!! She turned it off and we LOOOSSSTTTT IT!" Ashton and Oliver when I turned off Pokémon Go to take pictures and they didn't catch their Pokèmon (which now I feel bad about.)

"I want this to be what it is - Brenda is the star of the show." Lorin looking at my camera after the session.

At least we ended on a good note - a really good note!                

In the Rain

"Ian and I coming out of the fog." That's what Katie said in response to what the perfect shot from this session would look like. I'd say the fog of an infant hasn't phased them at all; they are gorgeous people cloaked in fall and leaves and rain - everything Seattle does best. Add that sweet baby M + Bosco. Total heartstoppers.

Love and Choice

"If we did not have moral agency we would simply be puppets manipulated by the strings of fate. ...the great purpose of mortality is to learn. [Faith] is a spiritual gift...and it always requires that we act first, and then the power comes. We don't know where to go, we don't know what to do. But my trust in Him enables me to act. He blesses me with His power, that confidence increases, we then can ultimately navigate the most difficult circumstances in life, knowing that we will never be alone, and we will always have His help.

"The greatest gift that the Father gave to us was His Son, and the gift that comes to us through the Savior's atonement is agency. So agency is central to the Father's plan, and it is the capacity to act and learn from our own experiences. That is the very essence and purpose of being here in mortality." a 3-minute video by David Bednar

The greatest lesson I have learned in my life is: This life is about love. If I am not loving, I am not doing it right.

The greatest gift we have is the gift of the atonement, from which I am bestowed the gift of choice. My greatest job is to love, no matter another's choice.

I love this family. This is my family. And their photos tell a perfect story.

Greenlake at Dusk

This family was one of the very first families I ever photographed - bless them for coming back for more. One year has passed since I started this gig. I have learned so much and have connected with people I now love, who I never would have met otherwise. My photos have been sent out to the world via blogs, The Wall Street Journal, and plain 'ol Instagram and Facebook. When I see canvases in peoples' homes I still cannot believe I was the one who took the picture. This was a dream I never saw turning into this much of a reality.

These photos of Kristi and Mike wrapped in each others' arms, E being kissed over and over again by his mama, and his swinging in his dad's arms, are all the things that make me love what I get to do. I am giddy inside thinking of what the coming year will bring. XOXO.

Just Playing

These images are some of the most meaningful I have ever taken, for a few reasons. First, Annie was one of my mission companions, and is one of my closest friends - you know the person you don't have to explain anything to and they get exactly what you are talking about? You can go months without chatting and then as soon as you talk it's as if you had been hanging out every day the whole week previous. I wish we lived next door to her and her amazing husband and beautiful baby girl. I may or may not have named my Annie-girl after her...

These pictures are also significant to me because they are a sign of major progression on a path to creativity. I want to be an artist - one who paints memories and feelings with her camera. I have been doing mentoring with Samantha Kelly - a photographer I look up to so much, and let's be honest, who I want to be when I grow up (AND who is traveling to Seattle in June to take family photos, mine included. Oh ya, it gets better, she has a Bachelor's in painting and a Master's in Art Therapy. Aaaannnnnddd, she shoots 100% film!) A couple weeks ago she gave me homework assignments via a Google Skype session. I asked all of my questions, told her all of my fears, insecurities, and worries about photography, and she did nothing but infuse me with confidence and excitement. I put into practice the suggestions she offered and saw immediate results. These photos were born of my own brainstorming and creativity, and I could not be more pleased. I tried every angle to get these shots, free lensed, and used manual focus to do it (and did not drop everything in the sand!) I took risks without worrying about the outcome, and the outcome was 8 million times more than I could have imagined. 

Here's to best friends, realizing our dreams, and documenting all of the things that matter most in this short time called life.

A Tribute to My Mom

My mom never gives up on me. She always tells me I’m beautiful. She comes in and sits on my bed and rubs my arm, or my feet, or my back. She plays with my hair. She chats and she talks and she keeps everything fun. She tells stories of what is going on in her life and what she is learning about gardening and grafting plants and sewing and healthy living. She doesn’t care what anyone will think about what she says - she is honest. She has a personality unlike anyone I’ve ever met, and I’ve never appreciated it more than now. She will tell you the name of every plant you walk and drive by - their Latin name! My dad married a free spirit - he made the best choice. She drops everything to come with me or come and help me. My mom is always there when I’ve asked for her or needed her. She notices when something is on my mind, even when I don’t open up about it. She still concerns herself with my happiness. She is constantly full of faith. She never gives up her faith. ever. no matter what happens or has happened. She knows who the Savior is and she loves Him. She teaches me to love Him and reminds me that He is always in charge. She always says, “It will work out” and "Just pray about it." I used to be bugged when I would hear those words. It’s true though, it always does work out. Every time I'm around her I am more thankful for the steady reminder. My mom loves my girls, and she loves my husband. My girls love her equally in return and they shriek and squeal when the phone makes a FaceTime call to damma. They constantly say, “I doe damma house. we drive. no tomomow. wight now. no tomomow. doe damma house.” Usually followed up with an, “I eat ice keam. Eat ice keam damma house.” 

My mom loves her kids; she will do anything for her kids. My parents both give everything to their kids. Even now, retired, everything they do is for their kids and grandkids, and all of our futures. I grew up in a home full of love. I am sensitive now to my children capitalizing on my weaknesses, I wish I could hide them from them forever, be a perfect parent. I believe parents want their kids to know how much they love them, and parents want their kids to love them in return and appreciate the sacrifices they make for them. Parents want their kids to be forgiving of the areas they fall short. I understand that now.

I am thankful to have gone to San Diego with my mom. I am thankful to laugh with my mom. I’m thankful to hug her and tell her I love her. I hope I chose her to be my mom. If I didn’t, I’m forever thankful for the One who did.

Film. Black and White.

I bought the wrong camera (HaHa!). I'm wondering if I should have bought a film camera and just figured it out along the way, as I am doing now on this amazing cheapy thing. I love everything about film, everything. It's only a matter of time before every. single. image is film. I'm giddy wondering what what the future holds in my "practicing art" department. 

Just an added story. I have a three year old. Three. 3. While taking a shower the other day she was chasing Kate. I know she was making her mad 'cause there was a heard-of-elephants sound roaring up and down our hallway and Kate was growling, which means she's mad and trying to defend herself. I happily said, "Annie, put your dress on and we will go bye-bye!" And then, 

She came into the bathroom. Turned out the light. And closed the door.

Enjoy the photos.

Living the Summer Solstice Dream

@nicolebcheung said it best, "Our summer solstice parade is better than your summer solstice parade." Naked babies running around wild and who are stained red and blue by fistfuls of blueberries and raspberries, delicious meals, Target and Old Navy shopping sprees, pony rides, swimming for hour and hours, complete freedom, walks into the sunset, the world's greatest dress up armoire, and even some pole fitness adorned our week long mommy-baby trip in Wenatchee. I leave Cyndi's house feeling so thankful for what feels like infinite love that continuously pours out of her.

One of my favorite memories: It was evening, before the kid's bath time, and Annie was SUUUUPER cranky from so much fun in the sun and no nap. She smashed Jonah's finger in the door (of course while they were all goofing off) and then was smiling at me with her hands covering her eyes while I *attempted* some sort of discipline (who's not winging this parenting thing....?) Basically I told her she "was done" and it was bedtime for her. I shut the door while the other kids were getting ready for their bath. I was so frustrated with Annie by that point that I could have banged my head repeatedly against a brick wall. I went downstairs to get a cheese stick for Kate, and complain to a mom who had been there and done that - 8 times, mind you! - about what I was having to deal with right then (which included a very sad screaming Jonah because of a smashed finger and a sad screaming Annie by this point because I keep trying to put her in bed but she kicks at me and covers her eyes and isn't listening and then she is laughing at me and! and! AND! AANNNDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!) and ALL CYNDI DID WAS LAUGH.

So much of my life was thrown into perspective in that moment. All that I fret about, the control I try to have, the chaos I try to manage, the tantrums I try to calm, the fighting I work to settle, the hitting, kicking, bugging, teasing, the "Annnnnnieee scremememing me...!!!!!" that Kate loves to cry about (as if she has never intentionally screamed at Annie to make Annie cry...)... All of it had never felt so menial. In the instant Cyndi laughed my whole life with kids flashed before my eyes and I saw clearly that I always have a choice to make: frustration or calm. I do not talk lightly about that! That choice is SO hard, especially past 4 pm. 

Parenting is hard for me because I want to raise sweet, well-behaved children, but when and how do I demand that behavior when right now I really. just. don't. care. to fight for it? Or maybe, I don't have the energy to fight for it. I really just want to put them in their room, close the door, and walk away. When they don't stay there is when the war begins and I want to lose it. Many times I do let my girls' crankiness get the best of me, but I want to try harder at not letting it affect or control my emotions and actions. And I wonder, if they could see that their problem was never my problem, maybe they wouldn't continue to do the annoying things that deep down do get to me (like run around like crazy people when they are clearly exhausted and it's bed time and they're supposed to lay down and stay there). I can never clearly articulate my thoughts and feelings in words but all I'm trying to say is, "I want to laugh it off more, and self destruct less." 

Anyway, life is perfect in Wenatchee, and here is the proof:

First Roll of Film

Portra 400 how I love you.

I know why people convert to film and never look back, and I wish I could move this instant. All the creaminess, rich colors, depth of color - I see it! My dream is to shoot 100% film - hopefully it doesn't take long to realize. While these images are kinda weird (due to my having to learn how to work the camera!) I wouldn't change a thing about them. 

All but four photos are completely unprocessed, and the ones that are are only slightly cropped.

This camera is something Tyler found online for free, but is in great condition. It is a Konica Minolta 7000. It was the first auto-focus camera ever made, and was born in 1985. The vignetting in the photos is from the camera. And yes, after every shot I looked at the back of the camera in hopes of being able to adjust my settings so as not to under/overexpose my shots...

I usually mix up my photos in the gallery so similar photos are not next to each other, but in this case I am leaving them in order because this is the exact order in which I took the shots, and my progression through changing random settings through the roll of film is significant to me.

If anyone wants some crazy film shots let me know! I'll give you a steep discount...