when am i enough?

One recent Sunday morning, I darted out of bed, tightened my running shoes and headed for the hill — the monstrous one out the front door. My out-of-shape lungs screamed in the 40-degree weather but sunshine embraced me at the top! Bright, bold orange seemed to cleanse me from my previous self and invited me in to a sacred moment. I stretched towards the sky to receive the light and unexpectedly began to cry.

Thoughts raced and I did what came naturally: opened my mouth to free the caged thoughts fluttering furiously inside, “It’s hard! So many things are hard for so many people! It’s so hard!”

I couldn’t stop moving, talking aloud at the top of a hill devoid of humanity yet lacking no life — hallowed ground on which to pray.

A piercing response came from Him: “Grace is not bound by your checkboxes.”

I paced and cried and gave space to my mind.

I thought of my own checkboxes — my list! All the things even I - one who strictly preaches grace ‘til the end of time! - get caught up believing I “have” or “need” to do. My own list, and its accompanying weight, surprised me!

Through searing breaths and free-falling tears I exhaled rounds of,

“Let themmmm ggooo!”

“Let…..themmm…alll….gooooo….”

A physical manifestation of my heart’s plea, a simple offering, and He carried them away with the wind.

Jesus knows NO checkboxes — he does not want my barrage of self-help plans or parades.

So when have I done enough? When am I enough?

There is no such thing.

We are always enough because we are His, “I have graven you on the palms of my hands.” So its all up from here!

Liberating me — even from myself — is His mission. The Savior holds healing in infinite doses. His is “boundless charity.”

“Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest…”

Goosie’s prayer the other night encompasses my feelings, “Thank you we can be who we can be...”

I hope today you find yourself filled up, thankful to “be who you can be,” and that you relinquish every checkbox (especially those of shame, self-doubt, and of never feeling “enough”) forever!

all my love to you,

Christina

P.S. One day I handed my cameras and light meter to my sister in law, Jessie. She took some perfect pictures of us in all our beachy glory one bright afternoon in Newport.

P.P.S. You never need permission to share these posts - if someone comes to your mind as you read, share away.

xoxo

SEATTLE! I have room for another shoot SATURDAY, MARCH 9TH (NEXT WEEKEND!!) Click this sentence to BOOK!

Light Dropped Directly to Your Inbox?!

you be you. I’ll be me. and can we be friends?

My heart pitter patters as your faces flutter through my mind while I write my posts! Thank you for being part of my journey, my evolving story. 

SO NOW WHAT...

My goal will never be to convert anyone to my belief system. I have no hidden agenda! 

Here's the deal:

I have 2 goals for my blog:

1. To journal my life lessons for my future self and for my children. (Don't we all say we are going to make a book outta this stuff one day?!)

2. To honestly and authentically share my feelings, in hopes that someone who feels alone or afraid, who may be looking for answers (rather a path to find answers), may be led to greater light and clarity in their circumstance.

This space is for anyone who might feel they are missing something - me included (there is always something I have a question about and am working out.) This place for me to plant my thoughts, hopes, dreams.

IF THE WORDS ARE NOT YOUR THING, MAYBE YOU ARE HERE FOR THE PICTURES

I recently felt I was posting "stuff" but ignoring the biggest part of me: the faith-based pieces that rely constantly on the Holy Ghost to guide me through business decisions, parenting decisions, life decisions.

I wondered, when will I feel 100 percent comfortable being ME in every interaction?! And if I can't wholly be ME how can I hope others will be THEM?! How will we connect with people if we cannot completely be ourselves, and extend grace to others so they can 100 percent be themselves?!

Now I write for me,

for my babes, and for anyone who feels sad, alone or confused, and who may need a glimmer of light, confidence in their journey, hope for a more brilliant future, and more peace than has previously settled upon them.

My dream is to write freely, unafraid, joyfully! 

I believe with everything inside of me that God speaks to His children, who we are. He wants to help us and I witness that daily. His arms are always outstretched still. That's all I want anyone to know, who is looking.

I'll be me, please you be you, and let's be friends.

Subscribe on my website for all things light-filled, hope centered, and travel dates!!

2019: Barcelona, Oahu, Seattle, SLC, Bay Area, California Everywhere

And to please keep in touch! I am an open book for all the questions relating to many things - I’ll do my best to help with whatever you need! 

xo, Christina

Portra 800

Ilford Delta 3200

Goodman Film Lab

Pentax 645nii

Canon 1V

Contact me HERE to schedule your engagement, birth, wedding, momma + babes, family, anniversary, elopement, or other session!

Walnut Street

(This was written last week two days before our leaving the most beautiful 7 months of our lives.)

I drove past Walnut Street today, downtown Huntington Beach. Memories, deep feelings, and inspiration washed over me.

7 months ago when Tyler and I were moving to Huntington Beach, finding an apartment was especially difficult. No one wanted to rent to someone they hadn’t met in person, no matter the amount of money one is willing to send ;) Managers kept telling me, “It just hasn’t been done before…”

We specifically wanted this cute apartment on Walnut street, directly one block off the beach!

We pulled out every sales pitch to no avail. That manager, and every manager, said “no.” It became the pattern of our hunt for a new home.

With only a few days left before driving away from Seattle, one manager took a chance on us. He let us FaceTime him, and my soon-to-be good friend even hauled her kids to the bank to get him a check that day!

Finally, a “Yes!”

This apartment in this area has been a miracle. An actual miracle. And today driving past Walnut Street the Holy Ghost taught me:

Had we moved into any other apartment, we would have attended a different ward (church). We would not have met distinct people we feel strongly we moved here to meet! These individuals caused us to ask questions that propelled us onto a new path, and in a new direction. We would not have been on a SIX MONTH lease that now allows us to move out and pursue big dreams!

Every “no” we received was crucial to the single “yes” we needed that was going to lead us to a new path - the most light-filled path, our direct course.  

When I let the days unfold His way, in His time, I give Him space to give the best gifts. And looking back I see each tender mercy that has led us to where we are now.

I am thankful for these moments, for the accompanying peace and surmounting joy they bring. My faith is strengthened in the seemingly small things. When my faith is strong I feel filled with power, with light. I am able to move slowly - to breathe slower, deeper, and trust more.

When I drove Annie to her last day of school in Huntington, I asked who she wanted to say the prayer; she wanted me to say it. I asked her if there was something special she wanted help with that day. She replied, “With my ahhwwtt" (art).” I began the prayer talking about how thankful I am for Annie - her light, her happiness, her talent of always taking care of people and helping. Then I prayed for her and her art that day: that she would produce art that reflected all of her happiness, her gifts, her dreams.

After that prayer my thoughts turned to the verse in Alma, “but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass;” I knew it was true - big miracles (like perfect apartments) come from small things (like simple prayers while driving to school).

These photos were taken on 35mm film (of my precious friend, Liz. If you want a beach shoot, or delicious in-home shoot, OR BOTH, in So Cal, with all of your lovers, GO FIND HER!)

I shot the roll (with multiple double exposures), then rewound it and weeks later shot it again. They were taken on Ektar 100 and pushed one stop. Processed and scanned by Goodman Film Lab.

SALT LAKE CITY, NYC, SEATTLE, BAY AREA, NOR CAL, SO CAL, BARCELONA, O’AHU!!!!! I’M COMING FOR YOU!!! If you want the most freeing photoshoot you have ever experienced book your newborn, elopement, birth, or whatever other session you want here! Even your husband will say, “That was fun!” I promise, it’s a good time!

xo, Christina

Also, call, text, email me with whatever questions you have! I am an open book (bless my husband for rolling in the “no privacy” kinda life. HA!

Vision

Why do we live at 40% our capacity?

What thoughts run wild in our minds that keep us from making changes necessary for us to thrive?! Mine go something like this, “I’m so tired. I’m not good enough. I don’t want to wake up. I’m so tired. I’m hungry. It’s cold. My hair is too greasy. My face is too hairy. Are the girls going to wake up right now? I’m so tired...” Endless ridiculous excuses - LIES -  that year after year confine me to some invisible hamster wheel. 

BUT!

I believe God wants to give us gifts - and only the best gifts.

To that end - choosing greater gifts - I am diving off my hamster wheel!

I have been listening to mind-over-matter podcasts. I read books about people born into horrific situations, yet overcome their adversity with optimism and hope. I read accounts of women and children rescued from sex slavery and their daily practice of choosing hope, choosing to live.

“Between 1942 and 1945 Frankl labored in four different camps, including Auschwitz, while his parents, brother, and pregnant wife perished. Based on his own experience and the experiences of others he treated later in his practice, Frankl argues that we cannot avoid suffering but we can choose how to cope with it, find meaning in it, and move forward with renewed purpose. Frankl's theory-known as logotherapy, from the Greek word logos ("meaning")-holds that our primary drive in life is not pleasure, as Freud maintained, but the discovery and pursuit of what we personally find meaningful.”

What is meaningful to me?! What is my vision?! What do I do with the extra time dishwashers and washing machines and the internet afford me? And why do I let my brain feed me lies that keep me from realizing these dreams, and helping others realize theirs? 

Every day that passes, I more strongly believe that this life is a feat of the body - a time to discipline this housing that holds my spirit. My spirit has vision! It craves travel, freedom, happiness, unity, and sharing wealth! It dreams of a simple life, free of clutter, that’s easy to pack up and move around. I have visions of unity: unity between body and spirit, oneness with my partner and babies, and unity with those I meet. Did you know separate hearts literally will beat as one?! I want to feel that unity, that oneness, with everyone (and might I add this was my biggest takeaway from the recent changes in the temple: everything, I felt, had to do with UNITY. At-One-Ment. Oneness. Perfect union of body and spirit, oneness with my partner, and oneness with everyone around me. And I don’t know if there has been a time I have felt more spiritually unified with any group of women than during that hour in the temple. It was deeply powerful, to me.)

On recent nights I have gone to sleep early, woken early and rested, but kept lounging in bed until I eventually fell back to sleep. My spirit wants to get up and get to work, but my body stays glued to my mattress killing my dreams!!! Feat of the body.

I overcome my sugar addiction, begin eating only small amounts of treats, and eventually I am craving treats for breakfast, lunch, and dinner even though I know it makes me cranky and sick!!! Feat of the body!

I’ll have thoughts and feelings to text, call, or set up dinner with someone, and then I put it off for who-know-what reasons!!! Feat of the body.

The list of addictions that feel impossible to overcome is endless. Add mental illness, disease and...! Bodies are powerhouses for good, but can be so difficult to work with! 

“We will have to suffer the pain of discipline, or the pain of regret. Self discipline is self love - if you want to be happy you have to love yourself which means you have to discipline your behavior. The road to sustained happiness is through disciplining your behavior.”

James Altichur says, “All decisions are either growth decisions or fear decisions. Only growth decisions point in the same direction as your inner compass for success.”

I do not have to let my body, and it’s lethargy, rule. I get to choose who wins: body or spirit. 

The Holy Ghost, and our own intuition, generally speak in quiet voices - ones we have to practice tuning into to hear, feel, and understand. My body and it’s cravings and addictions drown out the holy ghost and my own stillness and intuition (FEELINGS post coming next. I say that every time, but it’s really coming!). 

BUT NOT ANYMORE.

If ever I had a New Year’s Resolution this is it forever:

Let my spirit dictate what happens next, and make my body do that: oneness between body and spirit!

Don’t let my body drown out the quiet voice that will always keeps me on my direct course - the one leading me to the brightest light, the most happiness, to every perfect gift the Savior has for me.  

Now where do I muster the strength to do it?

1. I love this clip on YouTube (Min. 3:20-4:45 especially)

2. The biblical story of a woman who suffered 12 years with a debilitating illness. Her vision, “If I may touch but his clothes, I shall be whole.”

Russell M. Nelson said about this experience, “This faithful, focused woman needed to stretch as far as she could to access His power. Her physical stretching was symbolic of her spiritual stretching...When you reach up for the Lord’s power in your life with the same intensity that a drowning person has when grasping and gasping for air, power from Jesus Christ will be yours. When the Savior knows you truly want to reach up to Him - when He can feel that the greatest desire of your heart is to draw His power into your life - you will be led by the Holy Ghost to know exactly what you should do. When you spiritually stretch beyond anything you have ever done before, then His power will flow into you.”

I have visions. And even though I cannot see what is ahead, I know my “stretching” will open every gate for Godly power to flow into my life, and everyone else who wants it!

Happy New Year! Here is to dreaming up VISIONS, and getting after them without feeding ourselves hamster-wheel-loops of excuses!

xoxo, Christina

Pictures (mostly) from our camping trip with friends at Leo Carrillo State Park/Beach in Malibu.

4 MORE DAYS FOR 2-FOR-1 PHOTOSHOOTS IN ORANGE COUNTY! CONTACT me here to book it!!

BAY AREA - I will be visiting you once every month!

SEATTLE - I’m coming in the spring!

And who is eloping at Tahoe and Yosemite this year?! I have a screaming deal for wedding photos for you.

"you were the healer"

There are not many words to describe the way things are transpiring around here - we are mostly trying hard to follow our feelings.

I believe in that practice fiercely: following tender impressions.

But it can be scary because it means I take a step into the dark, or begin at zero, or…who knows what else?! Sometimes it feels like I’ll fall into a dark pit and a monster will eat me! On the other side of softening and submitting, of listening, is an elaborate pile of unknowns!

Sometimes what we cannot see feels like darkness. But that’s only because we haven’t given time the opportunity to shed light on it yet! Who knows but all your favorite colors are up ahead on high beams, shining blinding light you cannot see only because you haven’t stepped into it yet?!!

A month or so ago Annie was bouncing all over “Pa” (my dad) and I asked, “Dad, was I like that when I was little? Was I exactly like her?” (Because in my mind she and I are (mostly) exactly the same…)

My dad responded, “You were always taking care of people; you were the healer.”

In that instant he vocalized (and I learned!) my heart’s greatest desire! All I want is to be an instrument that is used to fill people with light and confidence.

When I die, I want to know I followed every impression, left nothing on the table, left no one behind, reached everyone I was sent to reach, on this, my personal journey through mortality.

I want to be an instrument in the hands of Light.

Here is where our recent changes come into play:

First, we do not have more answers than we do! We ride on faith daily for guidance and assistance. We practice asking, waiting, thinking, working through scenarios, praying, and waiting some more. We listen to the tiny impressions, thoughts, and feelings that come. And we receive answers.

****If you have questions, find a quiet place to pray, to talk, to converse and commune with heaven. Be open about all of your worries, your plans, your thoughts, your goalsdreamshopesfearswishes everything!!!

Then write down your impressions and thoughts and feelings.

Your answers will come, I promise! We are living it and it’s true.

Second, we had a plan, but then something unexpected (a miracle!) occurred so I need to wait for that to work itself out before I start blabbing anymore about plan details ;)

Third, we are moving eventually, so my blog and brand will change, but the idea has become sweet to me! I am ecstatic to evolve with everything this business and I become together.

Next, photography has been a spiritual journey and I want to be true to that.

So,

I feel “brightness” in announcing that my blog will mostly be composed of my spiritual thoughts, stories, experiences, and prayers, including specific things I learn from study. I will be sharing openly my thoughts about my life and what comes of the impressions I follow.

Ultimately, I want to share light - in all its forms. I get to do that through pictures and (very lacking) words (encompassed in big feelings.)

I want you to know you can find answers and help and guidance from Heaven!

I want you to be filled with light and confidence.

If you are aching, I want you to feel love, compassion, mercy, grace, and healing.

I hope you find those things here.

All my love, forever,

Christina

TRAVEL SHOOTS are about to begin around the bend of the new year! Contact me to book your DREAM shoot (I’m serious. Even your husband will say, “that was fun!!”

Bay Area! Nor Cal. Everywhere in CA. Everywhere period :) also SEATTLE, I’ll be back in March! East coast, NYC, North Carolina!! “Dream big and after you’ve done that, dream bigger” 🥰Howard Schultz -Starbucks CEO

to chase the light

These images come from the most sacred photoshoot in which I have ever participated.

An evening of remembering, of leaving some things behind to cling to others,

of grieving and healing, of waves that ebb and flow like tears, like laughter, like sorrow.

Conversations, time, and embraces with this family have forever changed me.

In moments of engulfing darkness they choose - and over again - a fight for light

almost at the cost of life.

I learn what it truly means to chase the light.

gone home, too

I am shooting more and more families like this one, who traveled from all over the states to Newport Beach for a family vacation! Grandma and Grandpa, their five kids, each of their spouses, and all of the grandkids joined in this fun.

Each shoot is beautifully unique to every family and their own story, and when they leave I feel like pieces of me have gone home with them.