soft

For me it feels better, calmer, to be soft.

I was sitting on the beach this evening talking with extended family. This mom of a beautiful daughter mentioned she had worked for a long time and was hard, but since recently deciding to stop working, she has become soft. Then she said something that felt powerful to me, “And, I don’t know, I think I prefer soft.”

I have felt a similar shift in my attitude - I ran from my family for so long that now that my mind and body have healed I feel myself being pulled into them like a magnet! As I walked into the airport headed for Seattle last week Kate blew kisses to me with my every step farther and farther away. I blew kisses back and wondered, “What am I doing?! Do I really want to leave this?!” So these days I wonder, what does photography have in store for me? Does it bring me closer to the ones I crave most? Sometime it doesn’t and I can finally accept and admit that.

I am praying and working and setting goals to give my greatest attention to the ones who deserve it most, at this time in our lives.

This weekend is general conference. Saturday and Sunday will be spent being soft, being open, listening to communication from heaven (because I know deeply that when I listen it comes.) I will choose soft. My mind, heart, and spirit will be one. In turn I will feel at one with my loves, my friends, my family, the world.

It’s funny how that works - soft can be interpreted as weak, but I will be soft - at one - and I will feel whole, complete, and strong.

Portra 800 forever. And to all of the families who embrace my chaos - I love you. Thank you for making images with me that feel beyond perfect in every regard. xo, Christina

forgive a city?!

I always vacillate between putting these precious thoughts of mine into the world or not, but after at-one-ment class tonight I feel these lessons so profoundly I can’t not write what I really feel. (Please forgive the run-ons, the typos, the imperfection - I don’t live for perfection, especially not in my blog posts…)

I spent 4 beautiful days in Seattle doing photoshoots this week and want to write specifically about my second night there. I climbed into bed, my mind wandering and not able to sleep. Out of nowhere I began to cry. I was simultaneously praying, thinking, wondering, and it came to me that I had never grieved my heartache associated with Seattle and I still harbored a lot of resentment against this city in which our lives changed so rapidly.

Each time I travel there, and the plane came down through the clouds, I get a pit in my stomach and remember how hard, how heavy, and how miserable it was. I cannot even think of enough words to describe how awful waking up every day, and barely surviving every night, was. My mind and body were in pain, the heartache was thick and completely debilitating. The weight of an entire ocean continuously washed over me while I wallowed in absolute darkness. After a few years of living there I no longer felt the holy spirit giving me guidance or comfort as he always had. My faith was absolutely depleted and I do not know why or how I crawled myself to church on Sundays. My brain left me miserable in every way.

All this to say, that moment the other night in bed shook me! As I cried and prayed I asked God, “Do I need to forgive a city and weather for ruining me, in a sense? Ruining my mind? My body? Is it completely abnormal that I harbor resentment towards a city, towards clouds, towards rain for robbing me of dreams never realized?!” 

In that moment, and through tears, I grieved the anger I consistently expressed towards my family. I grieved heartache and loss of faith. I grieved feelings of insecurity for leaving my “real job” and becoming a stay at home momma. I grieved staying home nursing and bleeding from allllll the places while my friends sent their kids to preschool and went to lunch together. I grieved absence of light and love and happiness.

Is it weird to feel the need to forgive an inanimate object? But that is what happened - a physical weight left my insides, lifted off my chest, and I was finally able to let go of blaming this place that wreaked havoc on my being and entrenched me in misery. I even forgave myself for constant negative self talk during that time, that turned out to be nothing more than lies anyway.

The next two pieces I share are where Christ’s GRACE has brought me, and I cannot believe what I learned tonight in class.

With this weight lifted I drove the next morning to my sunrise shoot. Over the horizon beamed the national forest that brought a flood of happy memories: bathing in the freezing Sol Duc Hot Springs in the Olympic National Park, endless camping trips with friends while the kids ran fully clothed or stark naked through ~50 degree sound water, driving home from camping at midnight when a mouse clawed my foot on the gas pedal (when Kate saw it in the mouse trap later she said, “Dat mouse go nigh-nigh in his bed.” More memories of road trips out of the city where the girls would fall asleep and Tyler and I would talk for hours! Babies eating gobs of cookie dough and bread dough and every other kind of dough, hikes where my legs were jell-o and Tyler would have an ergo on the front and an ergo on the back, a serious Dave Ramsey session post undergrad to get out of debt, every black Friday hiking the woods to cut down a Christmas tree in the forest (last year, I can’t remember why, for some psycho reason we ended up pulling over the side of the road, cutting something down from the freeway exit, jumping back on and driving home. Hashtag all the hashtags. But it was the most beautiful tree anyone has ever seen…)

With the pain removed, I could see beauty! I remembered all the good that came from our time there.

Pain, heartbreak, seems to send us to an early grave. Pain can make us feel weak, defeated. It’s easy to think we are moving 100 steps backward, 4 steps forward , and then another 8,000 steps backward. Everything felt like that for me when we lived in Seattle, I felt LIKE CONSTANT FAILURE - in every department.

BUT THIS IS WHAT I LEARNED:

NONE OF IT WAS FAILURE. NONE OF IT. EVEN ME MONSTER-LIKE YELLING AND MAD AND CRYING AND FIGHTING AND FLEEING AND NEVER GETTING ENOUGH OF WHAT I “NEEDED.” 

NONE OF WHO I WAS OR WHAT I DID WAS FAILURE. 

IT WAS INTENSE STRETCHING AND ALL OF IT. ALL OF IT. ALL OF IT WAS GROWTH. ALL OF IT.

I can never say enough: NONE OF IT WAS FAILURE.

ALL OF IT WAS GROWTH. 

I was talking with a dear friend one morning before a photoshoot and she said, “Your name came into my mind multiple times while you were here. I was praying for you. I even spoke with Bishop about you and he said, ‘Yes, I have been praying for her, too.’”

I fell into a puddle of tears because it became very clear that the reason I survived, the reason I survived, is because of those prayers.

I have asked myself for months how it is that I am here raising my girls in a new life we are building for ourselves, and now I know exactly how and why: people who felt a prompting said their prayers. And I will never be able to think about them without my heart bursting and tears flowing.

And then,

I’ve learned a bit about Job. He had this mindset of, “Whatever God wills…everything comes from God….whatever he wants I will do….I’m just a leaf in the wind going wherever the wind blows….”

NO.

We are not leaves on the wind - we have been given a brain and the gift to make choices and act for ourselves. Sometimes life gives us lemons. Everything isn’t “because God wills it.” Some things just happen. Like Seattle. 

God kinda gets on Job for a few chapters saying, “Stop blaming me for everything! It’s just life! This is what has happened to you! WHAT are you going to do about it?! You are in the “boat” of life. Here is your oar - start rowing!”

MY HUGE CONNECTION AND AH-HA MOMENT TONIGHT WAS: I THOUGHT SEATTLE WAS FAILURE. I THOUGHT I WAS A FAILURE MOM, FAILURE WIFE, FAILURE PERSON. I THOUGHT I HAD NO PURPOSE AND THERE WAS NO HEALING. I THOUGHT SEATTLE WAS GOING TO KILL ME. I felt I was fighting in vain, that nothing was working, nothing was changing, that I was stuck there forever, in bleak misery. (And that’s not dramatic - I WAS LIVING THAT LIFE.)

IT WAS NOTHING OF THE SORT. IN FACT IT WAS THE OPPOSITE!!!!!!! A TERRIBLE THING WAS HAPPENING TO MY BODY, MAKING MY BRAIN THINK (AND WANT) VERY SAD THINGS. BUT IN REALITY

IT WAS A PERIOD OF INTENSE STRETCHING 

AND 

ABSOLUTELY IMPERCEPTIBLE GROWTH.

BUT 

IT ALL WAS GROWTH.

I AM DIFFERENT NOW.

We live in a mortal world where hard things happen. But God is not the puppeteer, us his puppets. But because a Father sent his son, and that Son willingly gave his life for us, when the hard, scary, bitter things happen, everything that was bitter can be made sweet, AND NOT JUST SWEET, SWEETER than anything we have ever tasted.

When Job’s mindset shifted God restored everything back to him only MULTIPLIED!!

I have experienced God’s outpouring of everything that is sweet.

And now that I feel healing, light, peace, the holy ghost, love, I look back and reminisce on the good, while appreciating the pain as the catalyst for the transformation it afforded me - more importantly, what it affords my children and others I interact with on a more intimate level because of my experience.

Since the other night in Seattle I can look back and see the beautiful life we had: beautiful with the pain, beautiful with the sorrow, beautiful with the suffering and I would never trade one second of it for an easier path. I am now in a position to wrap my arms around you and say, “I am sorry it hurts. I have felt weak, too, and it is so hard. But I’ll stay here with you until you recognize how strong you are, again.”

Forever and always: reach out if you are sad or if you have questions or need suggestions. I’m a confidential open book.

No one can go so low that they cannot feel light, or love, or happiness again. And when you come out the other side the brightness will be blinding.

I chose the latter...this time.

My children are beautiful and perfect and smart and funny and vibrant and delicious and creative and give the juiciest kisses, but HEAVEN. HELP. ME. every single time I ask them to clean their room - or ANY mess they make - and they fire back with, “But what are YOU going to be cleaning, mo-om?!” Someone please restrain me.

The other day a neighbor friend came over to play and Kate said, “Oh, you can just throw it on the floor. My mom cleans for us so we can make a mess it’s OK, my mom will clean it, just throw it over there.”

Two dear friends came over today and we huddled around each other like sisters while chatting, laughing, crying, and simultaneously squeezing and snuggling our babes while whisper-screaming at them to [get lost] go play.

#momming  It’s the best. I love it exponentially more when I see other moms expressing feelings like mine. I love my village - so much.

If you have not read The Big Leap you haven’t read anything ;) 

You know those moments you are feeling all the feelings and you volcano-erupt on everyone but when you finally lock yourself in a room alone you start to realize that all the things you are screaming at everyone else for really has nothing to do with them. Your emotions just take over and everything and everyone is annoying and it actually physically hurts to deal with it all?

Since reading The Big Leap in Seattle a few months ago everything has changed for me: instead of feeling all the feelings and then lashing out I am able to think, “What is ACTUALLY happening INSIDE MY BODY?! My heart is racing, my brain is spinning, there is a pit in my stomach, my chest feels tight and I can’t really breathe….” I am more able to close my mouth for one minute and process what is going on inside of ME before unintentionally blaming everyone else for what I feel. I may still feel hurricane-like while emotions swirl in every chaotic direction, but it doesn’t pour out onto everyone else as treacherously.

Kind of an Example:

The neighbor’s hot potato toy was left at our house (when the button on this toy is pressed some real obnoxious music plays for an unknown amount of time). My children have loved it and I have woken angrily to that music for the past few days. Well, this morning something miraculous happened. I was, once again, woken by the annoying singing, and instead of RE-acting and lashing out two scenarios unexpectedly played out in my still-half-asleep mind:

A. I storm out of my bedroom while griping at the girls about how they woke me up and they are supposed to be quiet and I tell them every day and on and on with a bunch stuff they will never remember or follow and that will make us all feel like worthless terrible people. 

B. I stay in bed, laugh about how freaking much I hate that toy. The girls come in 10 minutes later snuggling me, spooning me, and slobbering kisses all over my face while I wrap my arms and legs around them all without even opening my eyes. Their naked selves bounce around on my bed as they scream, “Mommy’s awake, mommy’s awake, mommy’s awake!!!!” while laughing and acting like a buncha crazies.

I chose the latter…this time.


I have a lot of plans for my photography business in the new year (once I get through the next couple of months! I have a few changes coming up that I get scared to talk about and think, “What if people don’t like it?!” HA!

The excitement of something that lights me on fire drives me, and I continue the practice of quieting the other voices…

These last three images were taking at Leo Carillo in Malibu on a camping trip. Before the trip Tyler was back and forth between the garage and the car, taking all the sleeping bags, etc. to the trunk. Kate was then taking all of the stuff back into the garage to play with. When we go to the camp site Tyler said, “I think Kate took all the sleeping bags back into the garage. So, ya, all 4 of us slept in our tent with one sleeping bag and one blanket and two crappy pads. Worst sleep of my life, but when I look back on the trip, of course, all I remember is the good, the fun, the unity, the laughing, the biggest waves any of us had ever seen.

Those little girls had all those sticks because they were fighting the boys and wow were they a sight.

Portra 800 and orange people can never, ever be beat.

***For interested photographers: I wanted to see what Portra 800 could do in low light, because a lot of people talk trash on P800 but that was only rated at 800 + 1 and overcast outside. I shot mostly at 1/30 and I don’t think pushing and shooting at 1/30 was necessary.

Little Things

While our family was in town last week we spent an evening watching “The Office.” Pam said, “No big reason. Just a lot of little reasons.” That’s how I feel about life currently - in love with it for the little reasons. I secretly hope I have acquired the peaceful, mindful attitude of a 60 year old woman: life is good and beautiful and happy and peaceful and don’t fill it up with too much extra stuff and family is the most important thing and hug and kiss and tickle and squeeze your people a million times every day.

Also,

One afternoon I was randomly reading a section of John Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” The part I read talked about how marriages have the greatest success when the couples focus on what they are doing well - what brought us together? That stuck with me because I have been thinking about people - I am trying to train my brain to focus on what is going right - what I do well. I believe when we spend too much time focusing on what we need to improve we get sucked into a hole that doesn’t feed our mind, body, or spirit. I just wonder what would happen if I paid more attention to recognizing and celebrating my strengths, I’m practicing it anyway! And then maybe I’ll use them to help my partner, family, neighbors, etc. That’s a big deal to me.

I’m in the process of writing all of the strengths of each member of my family and posting it somewhere. I want the constant reminder of our gifts - our talents - front and center. I wonder if it will help me be more “other focused” instead of “self focused.” I just am interested in seeing where it leads us…

Lastly,

I want to blog once a week. This is the start of it. I take gazillions of pictures. Everything on film always. I want to share my pictures, creations, art, thoughts without much reservation. I’m going to worry less, think less, and send more stuff out into the universe solely because it brings me joy.

Seattle, Bay Area, Utah, My mind is reeling! I’m starting to not be able to sleep at night ‘cause your pictures keep me up. The flutter in my stomach tells me it’s going to be oh, so good. I’m thinking about you, planning for you, and am so, so proud of you for laying down your fears and doubts and insecurities to say YES to preserving these unmatchable and completely irreplaceable days.

Muy buenas noches,

Christina

A Goosie Girl and a Momma

On Sunday at church Kate was sitting on Tyler's lap. She was on a giggle fest and he, of course, was loving it, cracking up because she was cracking up and I was sitting on the sidelines enjoying it all while also shooting Tyler keep-her-quieter-you're-egging-her-on looks, as Annie lay asleep in my lap.

It was a beautiful moment followed up with this thought: "Those two have a special bond - they giggle like madmen, are both big teases, and they have way too much fun together and..." Then I thought, "Wait! Kate and I (capital "i") have a special bond! She is crazy about me! Wait!" And as I went down the line of every family member, I could see: "That's her spiritual gift! To make everyone feel like they are the most important person in the world!" She says just the right things with all the right feelings combined with tight squeezes around your neck and kisses and random, "Mama, I love you so much." or other random, "Thank you so much, mama."

That has been her way since she was TINY! I can still remember her frequent, unprompted, "Tay-too, mama"s as I gave her milk or food or wrapped her in a blanket. She felt gratitude in each of those simple moments and expressed it freely - I could, and still do!, feel her sincerity, appreciation. Making a sacrifice for another is effortless for her. She came out of me that way - sweet and snuggly and funny, a natural class clown.

There was another part of her though, a sad part. Even as a baby she would scream for endless hours of the day and night without anyone or anything able to console her. No amount of rocking, bouncing, or feeding helped. We had a running joke when she was content, "Don't look at her and don't talk about her." As soon as anyone made a peep about her she would start wailing all over again.

Sometimes Tyler would come home from work, sling her tiny body completely over his shoulder and go about his business, hands-free, helping with dinner, playing with Annie, cleaning up the house, sitting in the kitchen entryway chatting with me while I washed dishes. She was content there - but only with him.

She is naturally very mindful - present, can never be rushed - overflowing with unique qualities of easily withholding judgment and spreading endless amounts of love, allowing her to make each person with her feel they are the most important person in the world. She is filled to the brim with gifts and talents and love and gratitude - an old soul in a tiny, orange body.

And, sometimes she also gets sad. Like when she melted down yesterday.

***I wrote the next part last night but it didn't feel complete. This morning I added the backstory (the above) which adds to the story of our lives, dynamics that will evolve, grow, change, over time, and I don't want to miss a detail.***

This one had an epic meltdown today. When she gets into a rage there is no coercing, no easing her out. She goes to the depths. All I can do is leave her alone, and only she can bring herself back. Her tantrums don’t happen often, but when they do they are increasingly worse: stronger, louder, heavier, sadder. 

I’m kind of a patient person. I handle them OK, until I’m in public and she loses it. Then all I think about is how everyone starring might be thinking about I should parent. All I can think about is what they are thinking and then I have to work reeeaallllyyy hard to ask myself, “If there were no one looking, watching, listening what would I do? What would I say?” I have to pretend she and I are completely alone.

Today it was a man sweeping his concrete - he said nothing, did nothing, kept sweeping around us, as I sat on his lawn trying to keep Kate from running away (This was the first time she has melted down by a busy street and I couldn’t keep her locked in the car. She kept screaming and escaping and running.) So then I had to hold her, which is worse, because she screams louder trying to tear herself from my arms. There is no talking, no reasoning, no anything. 

So I automatically think the worst: Does he think I should spank her into submission? Show her who’s boss? Make her learn that feeling nothing is better than feeling sad and frustrated and out of control?

Then my heart races, tears well up, and as I sit holding my screaming-bloody-murder child as “neutrally” as I can, my mind wanders to all the babies who don’t have someone holding them while they hurt. Then it goes to other scary places of what this scenario will look like in a few years. Who or what will she run to?

And I wait. I wait for my brain to think of something, anything to do next. I wait for her to come to. I wait for the seconds that feel like hours. I wait for a passerby to give a dirty look or say something that stings.

I don't remember how I got her back in the car alone while a friend loaded my stuff for me.

And then, finally, I heard a sobbing whimper, “Mommy? Mommy?” I turned and saw her arms stretched out wide, big, blue eyes billowed up and overflowing with alligator tears. My sweet babe letting me come to the rescue. 

My first thought is always the same: “Wow - we made it through another one.”

I quickly scooped her up and she squeezed my neck and I tried to wrap as much of me around her as I could and she cried and cried and all I could say was, “I love my beautiful Goosie so much. I’m so sorry you are sad.”

I stood rocking her back and forth, rubbing her back and waiting for her to breathe steadily again. I kissed her wet cheeks, peacefully buckled her in her seat, and drove away sweaty, my heart still pounding out of my chest, my own tears about to pour out in buckets. Tears for me, tears for her, tears for all the babies and all the mommies who are sad.

And we drove to daddy’s work because, “Mommy? I want to go see daddy? Can we go see daddy at his wohhrk?”

“Of course, Goosie.”

It was dark. I pushed this Portra 800 to some crazy limits. #blessfilm

TRAVEL DATES

I've gone from 0-60 in about .00934234 of a second. 

I will be in these places taking family, engagement, newborn, maternity, sibling, anniversary, intimate, #christinaskinonskin, and birth photos, and/or any other photos you have in mind! I also have a couple exciting collaborations in the works. If you have any ideas you want to pull off you know I am ALWAYS ALL IN.

Here is where I will be in the next few months:

August 4-6: Grand Rapids, Michigan

End of August: Palo Alto + Bay Area

September (last week-ish): Seattle, Washington

October 1-6: Santa Cruz + Bay Area, California

October (looking like the 3rd weekend): SLC/Utah County, Utah

November (specific date TBD): Phoenix/Mesa/Sedona, Arizona

With every session you get to hang out with yours truly for a few hours, and I'll be using all my tricks to guide you out of your comfort zone, pretzel you all up with your little and big lovers, and have you snuggling and giggling like a gaggle of little girls.

I also mostly wanna hang out. In other words, when the session is "over" I don't totttaallly want to be done. Whenever I say "I'm done" everyone relaxes, melting into their most beautiful and natural state, and then my photographer heart goes wild all over again and some of my favorite photos come from that time. If you don't mind my hanging around gabbing, listening, and over complimenting you because I can't help it because I fall in love with people when I photograph them because I'm addicted to making friends, then I will be in no hurry to go anywhere.

Within three weeks you'll have gobs of film photos, in digital form, in an online gallery.

It all costs $995, and HERE is the link to purchase your session.

Please don't hesitate to reach out with questions - I am always a totally open book, which drives my husband crazy but I can't help myself.

Finally, here are some pictures as of late:

I shoot with a Pentax645nii and Canon 1V. I shoot mixes of Portra 800, Ektar 100, Portra 400, and Fuji 400h. Double exposures are done in camera as well as in post processing. Click HERE to purchase your shoot and HERE to ask whatever question you would like! See you soon! xoxo, Christina

rewrite the stars

I close my eyes and I can see

The world that's waiting up for me

That I call my own

Through the dark, through the door

Through where no one's been before

But it feels like home

 

They can say, they can say it all sounds crazy

They can say, they can say I've lost my mind

I don't care, I don't care, so call me crazy

We can live in a world that we design

 

'Cause every night I lie in bed

The brightest colors fill my head

A million dreams are keeping me awake

I think of what the world could be

A vision of the one I see

A million dreams is all it's gonna take

A million dreams for the world we're gonna make

 

We watched The Greatest Showman last night and while the choreography was amazing, the songs and lyrics are among my very favorites! Music has always been a passion of mine and is still what sends my mind spiraling into brilliant reveries of WHERE my business will go!, of my CHILDREN being conduits of love and light and celebration of the human race!, of what TYLER AND I can do together when we unite! 

This song also packs a powerful punch because it is my reality - when I lie down at night images of your families race through my mind for hours. I can't turn it off. My brain fires up creating scenarios, games, ideas - floods of images, tsunamis of images, come pouring in as my mind does a creative dance, maybe more of a disco, making pictures out of any scenario I conjure. They don't leave me until I capture them.

I frequently sketch in the pitch black from not having light and not wanting to move from my bed. These pictures, your pictures, force me out of any inclination that I can stay small, out of doubts such as: if I don’t try to go big I won’t fail big.

I am FULL of big dreams.

Your pictures, my children, and my relationship with my husband all keep me out of my “safe place” of comfort and complacency, and in a state of dream catching. 

Our upcoming move to California, specifically to the beach, has been a dream for me and I still cannot believe it will be my reality. Add to that sunny photos of families snuggled up with their lovers and babies full of freedom, love, and laughter and I could not be any happier without exploding. 

I love you all. Love. You. All.

C

not out of control

I have been wanting to share this for a long time. Mostly for myself, maybe for anyone who needs something to buoy them up - to remind all of us that things are not as chaotic and out of control as they feel.

Faith (not faith as a religion, more as...beliefs) is an interesting thing. We all have a different feeling, interpretation, and story around faith. For me, faith is the core of everything I do. When I focus on Faith in Christ I am propelled into people, places, and relationships I would not have found otherwise. I am consistently in awe after learning about those I come into contact with - where they have walked, what they have seen, and especially what they have overcome.

(As a side note, I took a test once while working at Kids on the Move in Orem, UT from the Strengths Finder book. One of the things it told me is that I am a WOO. "Woo stands for Winning Others Over. You enjoy the challenge of meeting new people and getting them to like you. Strangers are rarely intimidating to you. On the contrary, strangers can be energizing. You are drawn to them. You want to learn their names, ask them questions, and find some area of common interest so that you can strike up a conversation and build rapport. Some people shy away from starting up conversations because they worry about running out of things to say. You don't. Not only are you rarely at a loss for words; you actually enjoy initiating with strangers because you derive satisfaction from breaking the ice and making a connection. Once that connection is made, you are quite happy to wrap it up and move on. There are new people to meet, new rooms to work, new crowds to mingle in. In your world there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet -- lots of them." Gallup. I love meeting, connecting, sharing with people, and I believe faith strengthens my ability to do that: I know we all have worth and will become something we currently are not. I bask in the thought that we all deserve to be showered in mercy and love.

This bible story about faith has me looking at life - and faith - in a completely new light:

Jesus and some followers had come back from across the lake and a huge group of people were waiting for Him. One who immediately approached Jesus was Jairus, a ruler of a local synagog. Jairus approached Christ with "reverence due One whom he considered able to grant what he asked, and fell at the Lord's feet." 

Jairus came seeking the Lord even though he knew that in leaving his daughter at home, she would pass away during his journey. He said to Christ, "My daughter is even now dead: but come and lay thy hand upon her and she shall live."

Jesus went with the imploring father, and many followed.

On the way to Jairus' home an incident delayed their journey: the woman with the issue of blood came to Christ. After time and conversation passed, they were finally able to continue on to Jairus' daughter.

This is the part that stands out to me:

"No intimation is given that Jairus showed impatience or displeasure over the delay; he had placed trust in the Master and awaited His time and pleasure; and while Christ was engaged in the matter of the suffering woman, messengers came from the ruler's house with the saddening word that the girl was dead.

"We may infer that even these dread tidings of certainty failed to destroy the man's faith; he seems to have still looked to the Lord for help, and those who had brought the message asked, 'Why troublest thou the Master any further?'" In other words, "Time to give up, Jairus - your daughter is gone anyway."

"Jesus heard what was said, and sustained the man's sorely-taxed faith by the encouraging behest, 'Be not afraid, only believe.'"

The group finally arrived at the house and saw quite the scene. Customary mourning processes were in place, professional mourners had been hired. Loud noise and musical instruments and people opposed any opportunity for silence. 

Christ commanded, "Peace, be still."

Jesus restored peace to the house. He then entered the death chamber, accompanied only the the three apostles and the parents of the girl. Taking the dead maiden by the hand he 'said unto her, Talitha cumi; which is, being interpreted, Damsel, I say to unto thee, arise.' To the astonishment of all but the Lord, the girl arose, left her bed, and walked."

This account is powerful to me. Things frequently seem chaotic and out of control to me: HOW?! WHAT?! WHEN?! WHERE?! WHY?! 

But they are never out of control to Him.

He has walked in my shoes. He has walked my path. He retains complete loving and merciful control. These days I want to choose to patiently "[await my] time and pleasure." One day it will make sense, one day things will feel whole again.

While Jairus had legitimate reason to want to hurry things along, or get frustrated when someone else's miracle was taking time away from his own, he waited. I think I can do that, at least I want to try. 

So, my questions have changed.  

What do I want?

What do I need?

What do I need to sacrifice to attain it (even when it feels out of control?)

What will I learn that will make me more compassionate like Him?

I know things are really hard for a lot of people - I hope peace finds you and carries you through, and that you begin to feel confident things are not out of control.

Love,

Christina

 

 

Here are a lot of pictures from the last year that I love:

Quotes and summaries are from Jesus the Christ by James E. Talmage (one of my favorite books...)

sky high

So many things. 

"First see it, then be it." (What I learned from Barbie the other day.)

And,

Light makes all the difference.

And,

This is Jenna, a friend and fabulous photographer who lives in West Seattle. Our families went on a hike to one of my favorite (secret) places in Seattle - a beach in Discovery Park. It has a humongous tree swing. And she's pretty much the best.

And,

I love the people who are in front of my camera. 

And, 

I just learned that empathy is not connecting with someone because you have experienced what they experienced. Empathy is connecting over the emotion someone feels as a result of their experience - we may not have gone through what they had to go through/are going through, but we have all felt sadness, embarrassment, rejection, regret, stupidity, shame, joy, excitement, success, and a plethora of others. I empathize by holding anothers' feelings in a sacred space because I understand we are all human, and all of humanity feels things, be it under different curcumstances (summaraized from Daring Greatly, Brené Brown p 81).

AND,

My prices are SLASHED. If you want family, engagement, baby-in-the-belly photos, mom and baby bath photos (or any other photos, of course) I'm ready to party!

2018 Travel Dates:

Grand Rapids, MI: August 3-5

SLC - Payson, UT: September

Santa Cruz, CA: October

Austin, TX: YOU are on my radar! When do you want photos?!

Love,

Christina

honest with myself

2017 is not a year that stands independent from the 4 previous years. 

I bunch the past 5 1/2 years into a chunk of time in which real life hit me square between the eyes, and I do have to say i was unprepared for the blow.

Here is what I thought:

My life is great. I have nothing to complain about. I am a confident, competent person. I just have to wait until I snap out of it. I’ve never had depression. I can’t be depressed.

As the years crawled on I would look at other moms and wonder how and why they liked their kids. Why did they hold them, snuggle them, enjoy them? All I wanted was to constantly run away from my girls. Every night I didn’t want to go to sleep because I didn’t want to wake up and do it all again, every day, forever.

I recently took time away from social media to get un-addicted to everything. My phone. Social media. Checking out. I even try to make phone calls more than text these days. I did think unplugging would create moonbeams and unicorns and I would be happier being a mom and having my girls climb all over me and I would be full of love, peace, joy, and rejoicing but what I learned was, without wasting time doing the numbing scroll (as frequently or infrequently as it was) I was left to myself. I spent more time in stillness and consequently thinking about…everything...

I came to the conclusion that I needed more help than I would admit. I couldn’t keep going on by barely hanging on, pushing through, or waiting until (…fill in all the blanks). 

The past 5 years were nothing how I imagined they should be, or how I wanted them to be, and I wasn’t getting better - it was a stark reality but I was getting worse. 

“So many other women could do this better than me. Love them better than me. Have fun with them better than me” were the constant strands of thoughts rolling through my mind regarding my family.

I never slept. Every night I lay in bed for hours, my heart racing, unable to breathe deeply or slowly. I woke incessantly throughout the night and worried about everyone, every thing, past, present, and future. The next morning I would lie in bed until 11. The girls would scavenge cookies from the cupboards and dine on ice cream and cookies for breakfast. 

I found myself in a hole of missed expectations and dark thoughts.

I wonder if postpartum depression lasts until you are finally able to rewrite your story, inserting yourself now as “mom.” Or, maybe until you are able to redefine yourself in this new role of “mom.”

Whatever the root, I kept thinking, “I’ll be me again when they go to preschool, to kindergarten, when they […..fill in the blank….]” But honestly it didn’t matter how long they were away. As soon as they were back with me simple daily tasks brought on an anxiety and hopelessness that devoured me. 

(Almost 2 years ago I left my 2 year old and 1 year old with their grandparents while Tyler and I flew to Argentina for 16 DAYS! 16 DAYS! And we did not call, facetime, talk - nothing! In addition, I did not miss them until day 14; I did not miss my 2 year old or 1 year old for two weeks. In fact, I was living the dream and happier than I had been in a few years. There was something clearly wrong, but I didn't see it or accept it. Last year I went to California for some sunshine and told Tyler I would be back in a couple weeks. Every single week I asked, “Next week…?” 

6 weeks had gone by. It took me six weeks to feel "like me" again.

I think this story began when I became pregnant with Annie. We moved to Seattle that winter; she was born in the spring. I held on through the summer, became pregnant again, had a 15 month old and a newborn in a small apartment in a city - not something I had ever done before. Winter again, endless coughs and colds are the never-ending name of the winter game. In addition to that the sun rises late and sets early, around 4pm. It’s overcast and rains quite a lot these winters. We stay inside a lot. It’s not a lifestyle conducive to my sanity. Each summer I would barely come up for air because we lived at the park every. single. day., only to find myself in a lower low the following winter.

I finally went to the doctor last week. I was honest - most importantly with myself but also with her. I’m usually honest with God (I have no problem shouting out my insecurities, complaints, problems, frustrations, with him - He is love and I know he doesn’t expect me to be something I am not; He sees who I am, who I will become.) I do think for a long time I wanted Him to fix it. He didn’t. He wanted me to be open with myself, communicate with my husband, and my doctor, and move my own feet toward help and improvement.

I guess every story doesn't have, or need, a miracle ending - maybe we wouldn’t learn the lessons that make us more empathetic, understanding, compassionate, forgiving, willing to listen to, and see, others.

I know all of this does not compare to other’s who have lived with depression and anxiety for longer, and on a much deeper level. I don’t know why I write this and put it out there. Maybe to say social media lives look pristine. I know I’ve posted so many “happy posts” which were real moments, real feelings, but were no more than brief instances. Happy was not an overarching feeling of my life in general.

I thought: maybe I need to get off social media, sleep more, do less. I did all of those things trying to “cure” myself. While those were moves I will continue, as they had positive outcomes, they did not change the emotions and feelings that dominated me.

Maybe I write this for anyone who can relate but who hasn’t yet put words to their thoughts or feelings, those who are still trying, by sheer grit, to press through. 

No one need endure the misery, sadness, numbness, inability to function, until their circumstances change, especially not alone. Changing my circumstances certainly may change my brain, but there are some things I cannot change right now. I have had to accept and acknowledge that, and realize there are other steps I need to take to improve my situation right now. And I don’t need to feel guilty about them. 

If you feel any of these feelings don’t let more time go by hoping for some other future to distill itself upon you. I let too many years go by. I haven’t found an answer yet, and have been allergic to both medications the doctor has given me, but I have hope again. While my body reacted negatively to them in one way, in other ways they did help me feel light again, feel like real happiness, real enjoyment is there! I was happy to wake up for a few mornings - something I haven't felt in years. I just have to work through some kinks to find it on a more consistent basis.

If you need someone to talk to or confide in or somewhere to go - I will do whatever I can to help you. You can have my cell number and call any time! You can come over! We can put a show on for the kids and just talk. If you need anything find someone you can confide in. You are not a burden.

Maybe I write this for myself. So I can remember what the up and down feels like in motherhood, in family. Sometimes things feel hopeless, but they never are.

My greatest thoughts are summed up perfectly in these words by Elder Bradley D. Foster, “It is my witness that our Heavenly Father loved us so much that He sent His Only Begotten Son to live the life of a mortal so that Jesus could say to us, ‘I’ve been where you are, I know what comes next, and I’ll help you through it.’”

Jeffrey R. Holland recounts a moment in his young fatherhood and ends with these words, "Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but...they come. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come."

I could not move forward one inch without this knowledge. 

I hope 2018 is different from past years. That I will notice and accept the things that are hard and do my best to patiently resolve them.

Happy New Year. Here is to good things to come.

Love,

Christina

Use code GOODTHINGS to take $100 off any shoot between now and the end of February!

bottles, bows, and balls

“Some people don't understand the promises they're making when they make them," I said.

"Right, of course. But you keep the promise anyway. That's what love is. Love is keeping the promise anyway.” John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

hey lady

That's what he kept calling me. I told mom not to worry - Annie use to click at people when she wanted their attention: "hey mom, knlnock, knlnock, knlnock."

Love and Kindness = Love and Forgiveness

It’s finally sinking in. I’m finally beginning to understand the worthiness conversation.

Why should any one of us be made to feel "less than," even and most especially, when we aren’t behaving as our best selves? Isn't that when we crave love and acceptance the most?

While it’s easier to show “love and kindness” to those who believe, think, act and vote like we do, I️ finally finally FINALLY feel so strongly about what I️ do - and why I️ do I️t - that my own armor is slowly shedding itself. I find myself less afraid and more understanding, even towards those who don't reciprocate all the happy things... ;)

“If we want to reclaim the essential emotional part of our lives and reignite our passion and purpose, we have to learn how to own and engage with our vulnerability and how to feel the emotions that come with I️t.” @brenebrown

I believe this is how we will solve problems and misunderstandings between family, friends, neighbors, and beyond. When we let down our guard, protection, fear of losing, being hurt, or wanting to be right, we stand in another’s shoes and life becomes less a battle of right or wrong and more a conversation of where we come from and how we can help.

Maybe others will never change, and that’s OK, but if I choose love and forgiveness I will be changed. My girls will learn from my actions, my words, that the process of listening, learning, and trying to understand - without letting negative feelings overcome us - will strengthen our families, change our communities, and build our nations.

My prayers have become more real, more honest. I️ tell God things that don’t make sense, things I️ don’t like, the things that are too hard. My experiences have been powerful as He has filled me with love and shown me all the things I️ am doing well. My feelings move from anger, frustration, retaliation to forgiveness. I️ feel whole, full of worth, and wish those feelings on all within my reach.

And now I know: if I can do it, anyone can.

always on my mind

This was the first family I photographed strictly on film. The learning curve was steep! When I asked little girl to come take a picture with her mom, and she responded by shaking a finger near her nose while saying, "I...don't...want...to...do...that" in a high pitched voice while prancing on the log, the pressure was real - ha!

I could not have asked for more beautiful photos of this family. The grain, the real emotion, the creaminess - I jumped for joy when I first saw them, and still do when I relive the moment now. I do not believe the images could have been created under any other circumstance, with any other medium. I feel passionately about the journey to, and process through, film photography...

...so much so that I have a personal project in the works that will be unveiled one day soon. It sits in the back of my mind, a powerful tool to document the things I feel, and hope others feel, most strongly about.

For now, esta familia, on film.

riding free

We are all worthy - of love, forgiveness, friends, connection, a home, a place to unwind, a place to cry, a place to bounce back. No matter the voices in our heads, we begin to practice worthiness, connection, and belonging in the way we first speak to ourselves. I know from my own experience that practice doesn't make perfect but it does make us stronger and more confident!

"...shame is the fear of disconnection - the fear that we're unlovable and don't belong... The expectations and messages that fuel shame keep us from fully realizing who we are as people. Today, I look back and feel so grateful to women and men who have shared their stories with me. I'm thankful for the people who were brave enough to say, 'These are my secrets and my fears, here's how they brought me to my knees, and here's how I learned to stand in my worthiness again.'" (Brené Brown, Italics added.)

before she flies

I bought a film camera, had no idea how to use it, and took it with me on a shoot "just in case." As soon as I walked in and saw the brilliant light pouring in windows that ran up the wall, I loaded it up with a lot of determination, and just enough fear to kick my heart beat up a few notches. The only thing that went awry: I only took one extra roll of film. When I ran out and still needed a few family shots I had to go digital.

All (but 3) photos are film. This is my last post with any ties to the digital camera world - huzzah!!