Faith - No Matter What

Our lesson in relief society today was on President Nelson’s talk, “Faith to Move Mountains.”

I was thinking about how our faith always has to be placed in Jesus Christ, in His will for us. My faith is not in a miracle I seek, not in a priesthood blessing I received, not in my goals, desired outcomes, or my works...

My faith, belief, and trust is always in Him, and is manifest in my staying near Him no matter what happens - staying bound to Him through covenant when all does not go as hoped or planned. 

These thoughts led me to a few other thoughts: Christ had perfect faith in His father, perfect faith - he couldn’t have had any more faith!

But even His flawless faith could not ward off mortality’s suffering: people wanted to kill him at every turn; He was constantly trying to get His closest friends to see who He was and what he had come to do; He eventually walked into a garden and endured the most pain any being would or could ever experience, directly after which He was arrested, beaten, and tried in the most unjust trial in the world.

If that wasn’t bad enough, He was then hung on a cross while those He came to save celebrated His death. 

He had perfect faith and still everything went seemingly wrong. 

…but actually it all went right. 

There was always a plan, always a planned resurrection, always sure promises. 

The Savior chose to endure everything that would “go wrong” to win the final prize of being given all power to right every wrong for the entire human family. 

This is my faith: I hang on, through everything that goes wrong, trusting Him “with the utmost assurance” that He is actually making everything more right.

Nuestra lección en la sociedad de socorro hoy fue el discurso del presidente Nelson "Fe para mover montañas.”

Estaba pensando en cómo nuestra fe siempre debe estar puesta en Jesucristo, en Su voluntad para nosotros. Mi fe no está en un milagro que busco, ni en una bendición del sacerdocio que recibí, ni en mis metas, resultados deseados o mis obras ...

Mi fe y confianza están siempre en Él, y se manifiesta en mi permanencia con Él sin importar lo que pase, permaneciendo unido a Él, a través de mis convenios, cuando todo no sale como se esperaba o estaba planeado.

Estos pensamientos me llevaron a otros pensamientos: Cristo tenía una fe perfecta en Su padre, una fe perfecta; ¡no podría haber tenido más fe!

Pero incluso su fe impecable, no significaba que su vida fuera fácil: la gente quería matarlo a cada paso; constantemente enseña y trataba de que sus amigos más cercanos vieran quién era Él, y porque vino; finalmente, entró en un jardín y soportó el mayor dolor que cualquier ser podría experimentar, solo para ser arrestado inmediatamente después y juzgado en el juicio más injusto del mundo.

Y luego, después de todo eso, fue colgado en una cruz mientras aquellos a quienes había venido a salvar celebraban Su muerte.

Tenía una fe perfecta y todo salió aparentemente mal.

Pero en realidad todo salió correcto, bien!

Siempre hubo un plan, siempre una resurrección planificada, siempre promesas seguras.

El Salvador decidió soportar todo lo que “saldría mal” para ganar el premio final de que cada “mal” se corrigiera, para Él mismo y para toda la familia humana.

Esta es mi fe: me aferro, a pesar de todo lo que sale mal, confiando en Él “con la mayor seguridad” de que Él realmente está haciendo que todo sea aún más correcto.

día siete

Day 7. The last day of the #givethanks invitation.

Besides a Savior who binds us together, these people are my most important things. Family is the only thing of any value in this world, and the only thing that carries lasting value in the world to come.

These people redirect my gaze to what is most important; they remind me to realign with what - and who -matters most. Because of them I want to hear Him! more clearly and more frequently. I need the power Jesus wants to send to each of us; I hope they always want to want His power, too.

Being mom brings out my best and my worst, but I am confident that was the plan from the beginning. Family is where we create space for “bests” and “worsts” while continually putting one foot in front of the other, together.

Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrated today. I wish you peace, gratitude, and the happiest of upcoming holidays!

Love, Christina

Día 7. El último día de la invitación #givethanks.

Además de un Salvador que nos sella juntos, estas personas son lo más importante para mi. La familia es lo único de valor en este mundo y lo único que lleva un valor duradero al mundo venidero.

Estas personas me devuelven a lo que es más importante, me recuerdan en que debo concentrarme y realizarme con lo que más importa. ¡Gracias a todas estas personas estoy aprendiendo a escucharlo! con mayor claridad y frecuencia.

Ser mamá lleva a luz lo mejor y lo peor dentro de mi, pero estoy segura de que ese fue el plan desde el principio. La familia es donde creamos espacio para coda uno de los "mejores" y los "peores" momentos, pero a pesar de eso seguimos adelante, juntos.

Feliz Día de Gracias a todos los que celebraron. ¡Les deseo toda la gratitude y felicidad!

Christina

día tres

I am thankful the Savior has not left us on this earth without a latter-day Moses, Abraham, Noah. I cling to the Savior’s invitations and promises that come through His mouthpiece on earth, President Nelson, “Sisters, let us not just endure this current season. Let us embrace the future with faith! Turbulent times are opportunities for us to thrive spiritually. I promise that as we create places of security, prepare our minds to be faithful to God, and never stop preparing, God will bless us. He will ‘deliver us; yea, insomuch that he [will] speak peace to our souls, and [will] grant unto us great faith, and … cause us that we [can] hope for our deliverance in him.’”

“As you study your scriptures during the next six months, I encourage you to make a list of all that the Lord has promised He will do for covenant Israel. I think you will be astounded! Ponder these promises. Talk about them with your family and friends. Then live and watch for these promises to be fulfilled in your own life. …as you choose to let God prevail in your lives, you will experience for yourselves that our God is ‘a God of miracles.’”

“I bless you to be filled with the peace of the Lord Jesus Christ. His peace is beyond all mortal understanding. I bless you with an increased desire and ability to obey the laws of God. I promise that as you do, you will be showered with blessings, including greater courage, increased personal revelation, sweeter harmony in your homes, and joy even amid uncertainty.”

“What will happen as you more intentionally hear, hearken, and heed what the Savior has said and what He is saying now through His prophets? I promise that you will be blessed with additional power to deal with temptation, struggles, and weakness. I promise miracles in your marriage, family relationships, and daily work. And I promise that your capacity to feel joy will increase even if turbulence increases in your life.”

Estoy agradecido de que el Salvador no nos haya dejado en esta tierra sin un Moisés, Abraham y Noé de los últimos días. Me aferro a las invitaciones y promesas del Salvador que llegan a través de Su portavoz en la tierra, el presidente Nelson: “Hermanas, no solo aguantemos esta temporada. ¡Abracemos el futuro con fe! Los tiempos turbulentos son oportunidades para que prosperemos espiritualmente. Prometo que mientras creamos lugares de seguridad, preparamos nuestras mentes para ser fieles a Dios y nunca dejamos de prepararnos, Dios nos bendecirá. Él 'nos librará; sí, de tal manera que [hablará] paz a nuestras almas, y [nos] otorgará una gran fe, y ... nos hará que [podamos] esperar nuestra liberación en él ".

“Al estudiar las Escrituras durante los próximos seis meses, le animo a hacer una lista de todo lo que el Señor ha prometido que hará por el pacto de Israel. ¡Creo que te quedarás asombrado! Reflexione sobre estas promesas. Habla de ellos con tu familia y amigos. Luego viva y esté atento a que estas promesas se cumplan en su propia vida. ... cuando elijan dejar que Dios prevalezca en sus vidas, experimentarán por ustedes mismos que nuestro Dios es 'un Dios de milagros' ".

“Te bendigo para que seas lleno de la paz del Señor Jesucristo. Su paz está más allá de todo entendimiento mortal. Te bendigo con un mayor deseo y capacidad de obedecer las leyes de Dios. Les prometo que mientras lo hacen, recibirán una lluvia de bendiciones, que incluyen mayor valor, mayor revelación personal, armonía más dulce en sus hogares y gozo incluso en medio de la incertidumbre ”.

“¿Qué sucederá a medida que escuchen, escuchen y presten más atención a lo que el Salvador ha dicho y lo que Él está diciendo ahora a través de Sus profetas? Prometo que será bendecido con poder adicional para lidiar con la tentación, las luchas y la debilidad. Prometo milagros en su matrimonio, relaciones familiares y trabajo diario. Y te prometo que tu capacidad para sentir alegría aumentará incluso si las turbulencias aumentan en tu vida ".

a practice

Annie, 

Tonight for scripture study daddy played you a couple videos (Kate had a minor melt down and was in bed tantruming). In one of the videos, Elder Holland and President Eyring answered questions youth wrote in, specifically asking how to feel the Holy Ghost when the world is so loud. I loved the suggestions and your subsequent conversation with daddy.

President Eyring and Elder Holland said we have to be very still inside to hear the Holy Ghost. Jesus speaks to us in a still, small voice. President Eyring mentioned sacred experiences where he knew without a doubt he heard the voice of the Lord. He said those instances came when he gave up, when he was finally willing to say, “Thy will be done.” The spirit will come to us when we are willing to say, “Thy will be done.” (This, to me, is repentance — unifying my heart with Christ’s by saying, “Thy will be done.”)

Elder Holland said sometimes we go to God with a grocery cart in a grocery store and pick out all the things we want. We fill our cart, “I want this and this and need this…” and then check out. He said we need to ask, and then sit and listen, creating quiet space for the Holy Ghost to speak in His still, small voice. God will not unnecessarily compete with the world; we have to want to hear Him.

After the videos daddy asked you questions. You surprise me by knowing all the answers. But my favorite part was when daddy told you the Holy Ghost is a gift. 

“Do you have to be perfect?” 

“No” you responded. 

“He speaks to us when we are trying to follow Jesus” daddy said.

Then you said my favorite words, “We don’t have to be perfect; we are practicing.”

I could not have been happier. You know we are on earth to practice, that Jesus will give you as many chances as it takes to get it right. This is why we are here.

At the beginning of my mission President Mitchell Scott said to me in an interview, “You do not control the Holy Ghost; He comes when He wants to come.” That was news to me because I frequently felt the spirit powerfully in lessons. I thought it was the way I taught, thought it was me who brought him. When President Scott said that I felt embarrassed but quickly realized I was practicing living in a way that invites His influence, His still, small voice, and He comes as Jesus sends Him.

Faith, repentance, covenants, all to receive the Holy Ghost who fills us with priesthood power.

There is nothing more important in our entire lives than engaging in this practice.

I love you Annie-girl. You are a force. I hardly deserve to be your mom. Please know I love being a witness to your practice.

Annie,

Esta noche, daddy te mostró un par de videos (Kate tuvo un pequeño derretimiento y estaba en un berrinche en su cama). En uno de los videos, el élder Holland y el presidente Eyring respondieron preguntas que un par de jóvenes les mandaron sobre cómo sentir el Espíritu Santo cuando el mundo es tan ruidoso. Me encantaron sus respuestas y tu conversación luego con daddy.

El presidente Eyring y el élder Holland dijeron que tenemos que estar muy quietos adentro para escuchar el Espíritu Santo. Jesús nos habla en voz baja y apacible. Creamos quietud adentro de nosotros para reconocer su voz. El presidente Eyring mencionó experiencias sagradas donde supo sin lugar a dudas que escuchó la voz del Señor. Dijo que esos casos llegaron cuando se dio por vencido, cuando finalmente estuvo dispuesto a decir: "Hágase tu voluntad". El espíritu vendrá a nosotros cuando estemos dispuestos a decir: "Hágase tu voluntad". Esto es el arrepentimiento.

El élder Holland dijo que a veces oramos a Dios con carrito de supermercado, que estamos en una tienda eligiendo todas las cosas que queremos. Llenamos nuestro carrito, "Quiero esto y esto y necesito esto ..." y luego salimos. Dijo que primero debemos pedir lo que sentimos y entonces nos sentamos y escuchamos, creando un momento tranquilo para que el Espíritu Santo nos hable con su voz suave y apacible. Dios no competirá innecesariamente con el mundo; tenemos que querer escucharlo.

Después de los videos, daddy te hizo preguntas. Tú sabes todas las respuestas. Mi parte favorita fue cuando te dijo que el Espíritu Santo es un regalo.

"¿Tienes que ser perfecto para oír al espíritu?”

"No" respondiste.

"Él nos habla cuando estamos tratando de seguir a Jesús", dijo daddy.

Luego dijiste mis palabras favoritas: "No tenemos que ser perfectos. Estamos practicando.”

Yo no podría haber sido más feliz. Sabes que estamos en la tierra para practicar, que Jesús te dará tantos chances como sea necesario para hacerlo bien; por eso estamos aquí.

Al comienzo de mi misión, el presidente Mitchell Scott me dijo en una entrevista: “No controlas el Espíritu Santo; Él viene cuando quiere venir ". Eso fue nuevo para mí porque con frecuencia sentía el espíritu, poderosamente, en las lecciones. Pensé que era la forma en que enseñaba, pensé que fui yo quien lo trajo. Cuando el presidente Scott dijo, primero que me sentía avergonzado. Rápidamente me di cuenta de que estaba practicando vivir de una manera que invita a la voz suave y apacible, y Él viene cuando Jesús lo envía.

Fe, arrepentimiento (decir "Hágase tu voluntad", unificando el corazón con lo de Jesucristo), y convenios = todo para recibir el Espíritu Santo que nos llena del poder del sacerdocio.

No hay nada más importante en toda nuestra vida que participar en esta práctica transformadora.

Te amo Annie-girl. Eres una fuerza. No merezco ser tu madre. Favor de saber cómo me encanta ser testigo de tu práctica.

true doctrine understood, in all its 5 year old glory

Girls, tonight was too much. You were a bunch of kook-a-laccas, both on cloud 9, giggling like my regular gaggle of girls — plenty of Princess Elena and pork-and-chive dumplings does tend to bring out your best...

Late at night, when daddy is at school, I have to decide if we will read our scriptures together. I usually opt for a prayer instead (if I’m lucky) but tonight I mustered some strength to read. Plus earlier today I talked with multiple friends about similar scriptures and was hopeful about sharing my favorite truths found in a favorite chapter. 

In 2 Nephi 2 Lehi preaches faith and repentance and eternal life loud and clear: you are imperfect so the law condemns you. You cannot save yourself by what you do because it is not perfect. Because of that you can only be saved by the merits and mercy and grace of the holy messiah; you are redeemed because of Jesus’ righteousness and perfection. 

I asked you, who can go to heaven?

You said, we can. 

I said, no, we can’t. The only people who can live with God again are people who never sin. 

Annie, you asked, What is sin?

I said, fighting with Kate. Arguing. Screaming at mommy...

Then I asked, did Jesus sin? No. He was the only one who lived perfectly, so he is the only one who can go back to live with God in heaven — but because He was perfect and paid for our sins, he can take us in!

I said, he can take us back to heaven if, every time we sin, we say, “I’m sorry I was fighting with Kate. Will you please forgive me?”

So we practiced saying sorry, you two laughing your heads off and rolling on the floor. And then, Goosie, after a whopping 92 seconds, you were ready to be done, so you ever so kindly offered to pray. 

In all seriousness you said, “Heavenly Father, I forgive you for your sins. Thank you for the great day we had. Thank you for the good day we had. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen” 

I just don’t think the lesson could have gone any better than that. Though it does seem a vast improvement from your former prayers, “Thank you for our sins...”

There is no shortage of character in this world with you around. 

Seems my kickoff to teaching true doctrine without trace of culture or tradition is starting strong!

And I just cannot wait to see where it leads us...

Chicalindas, esta noche fue mucho, lo tuve que anotar. Eran un montón de kook-a-laccas, riendose y burlandose. La princesa Elena y albóndigas tienden a sacar lo mejor de ti ...

En la noche, cuando daddy está en la escuela, tengo que decidir si leeremos las Escrituras o no. Por lo general, opto por una oración (si tengo suerte) pero esta noche reuní algo de fuerza para leer. Además, hoy hablaba con varias amigas sobre escrituras similares y tenía la esperanza de compartir mis verdades favoritas que se encuentran en un capítulo favorito.

En 2 Nefi 2 Lehi predica la fe y el arrepentimiento y la vida eterna en voz alta y clara: eres imperfecto, por lo que la ley te condena. No puedes salvarte por lo que haces porque no es perfecto. Por eso solo eres salvo por los méritos, misericordia y gracia del santo mesías; eres redimido por la justicia y perfección de Jesús.

Las pregunté, ¿quién puede ir al cielo?

Annie, dijiste que nosotros podemos.

Dije que no, !que nosotros no podemos! Las únicas personas que pueden regresar a Dios nuevamente son las personas que nunca pecaban.

Annie, preguntaste: ¿Qué es el pecado?

Dije, peleando con Kate. Discutiendo. Gritando a mami ...

Entonces las pregunté, ¿pecó Jesús? No. Él fue el único que vivió a la perfección, por lo que es el único que puede volver a vivir con Dios en el cielo, pero debido a que pagó por nuestros pecados, ¡puede llevarnos a nosotros!

Dije que El puede llevarnos de regreso al cielo si, cada vez que pecamos, decimos: "Lamento haber estado peleando con Kate. ¿Me perdonas, por favor?

Así que practicamos, ustedes dos riéndose y rodando por el suelo. Y luego, Goosie, después de la friolera de 92 segundos, estabas listo para terminar, así que tan amablemente ofreciste orar.

Con toda seriedad dijiste: “Padre celestial, te perdono por tus pecados. Gracias por el gran día que tuvimos. Gracias por el buen día que tuvimos. En el nombre de Jesucristo, amén ”

Simplemente no creo que la lección podria pasdo mejor que eso. Aunque parece una gran mejora de tus oraciones anteriores, "Gracias por nuestros pecados ..."

No hay escasez de carácter en este mundo contigo.

¡Parece que mi comienzo para enseñar doctrina verdadera sin dejar rastro de cultura o tradición está comenzando fuerte!

Y no puedo esperar para ver a dónde nos lleva ...

merits, mercy, and grace

I spent a few days studying the Topical Guide topic: Mysteries of Godliness. Learning truth for myself feels like the greatest blessing (next to the sealing covenant) that comes from the Restoration of The Church of Jesus Christ; maybe the most beautiful mysteries are never shared over a pulpit. Because the priesthood “key of the mysteries of the kingdom, even the knowledge of God”(1) is back on the earth, everyone is at liberty to seek, study, pray and find - be given, gifted! - whatever truths they need and want.

I have been seeking diligently to understand mercy, grace and law and this is some of what I have learned:

The law condemns every person who does not live a sinless (completely perfect) life(2).

We only return to the presence of God “through the merits and mercy and grace of the Holy Messiah”(4).

I compared and contrasted what the law does and does not do for me:

What do Commandments not do?

Get me to any degree of glory(5).

Cleanse me.

Help me repay justice.

Give me power.

Save me.

Exalt me.

Only Jesus Christ does this all of this as I turn again and again to Him. Those are gifts that come as Alma said in the Book of Mormon, “on conditions of repentance”(8); they are not earned.

So, if keeping the law (commandments) does not save me or send me to any degree of glory(5), what is its purpose?! Why do we have commandments?

What do commandments do?

Commandments are given so I can “receive a fullness...of all truth.”(3) 

They allow me, as the primary song teaches, more copious amounts of safety and peace while in the throes of mortality: “in thisss there is saffeeetyyy and peeeeaaacccee.”(6)

Commandment practicing allows me to live in deep-rooted feelings of lasting inner peace, fulfillment, contentment, happiness, blessing, gratitude and joy, which feelings only come from Jesus Christ through the power of the Holy Ghost(7).

Keeping His law is one way I show Him I trust Him, that I want to receive truth, light (Jesus Christ is the truth and the light!), and know all things. I try to keep the commandments to show Him I want Him to abide with me(3).

Commandment keeping, maybe more accurately put: commandment faltering with constant daily (or hourly) turning (repentance) is my practice into Godliness, into Priestesshood!

“There was no other good enough to pay the price of sin. He only could unlock the gate of heaven and let [me] in(10).”

“He only.” Not me, not the law, which takes the pressure off of me!

The only thing I have to offer Him is my agency, my will, turning my heart to Him as many times as it takes (repentance) until one day — because of the love of a father for a son, and the divine love of a son for his father, and the entire human race — “by the merits and mercy and grace of the Holy Messiah”(4) Christ makes me “perfect in [Him]”(9) and I turn away no more(8).

1. Doctrine and Covenants 84:19-20

2. 2 Nephi 2:5

3. Doctrine and Covenants 93:26-28 and Abide with Me; ‘Tis Eventide Hymn 165

4. 2 Nephi 2:8

5. 1 Corinthians 15:40 and 2 Corinthians 12:2

6. Keep the Commandments Primary Hymn 303

7. Mosiah 2:41

8. Alma 42:13 and Bible Dictionary Repentance

9. Moroni 10:32

10. There is a Green Hill Far Away Hymn

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Santa Cruz

Pasé unos días estudiando el tema de la Guía temática: Misterios de Dios. Aprender por mí mismo la verdad podría ser la mayor bendición para mi (además del convenio de sellamiento) que proviene de la Restauración de La Iglesia de Jesucristo. Debido a que el sacerdocio “clave de los misterios del reino, incluso el conocimiento de Dios” (1) está de vuelta en la tierra, todos tienen la libertad de buscar, estudiar, orar y encontrar, ¡recibir como dones! cualquiera verdades que necesiten y quieran.

He estado buscando diligentemente para comprender la misericordia, la gracia y la ley, y esto es algo de lo que he aprendido:

La ley condena a toda persona que no vive una vida sin pecado (una vida completamente perfecta) (2).

Solo volvemos a la presencia de Dios "a través de los méritos, la misericordia y la gracia del Santo Mesías" (4).

Comparé y contrasté lo que la ley hace y no hace por mí:

¿Qué no hacen los mandamientos?

Llévame a cualquier grado de gloria (5).

Limpiame

Ayúdame a pagar la justicia.

Dame poder.

Sálvame.

Exaltame

Solo Jesucristo hace todo esto al volver mi corazón una y otra vez a Él. Estos dones vienen como dijo Alma en el Libro de Mormón, "en condiciones del arrepentimiento" (8).

Entonces, si guardar la ley (los mandamientos) no me salva ni me eleva a ningún reino de gloria (5), ¿cuál es su propósito? Porqué lo tenemos?

¿Qué hacen los mandamientos?

Se dan mandamientos para que yo pueda "recibir una plenitud ... de toda verdad" (3).

Me permiten, como lo enseña la canción de primaria, cantidades más copiosas de seguridad y paz mientras están en medio de la mortalidad: "tendrás gran consuelo y sentirás paz...Él te dará consuelo y paz” (6).

La práctica de guardar los mandamientos me permite vivir en sentimientos profundamente arraigados de paz interior duradera, satisfacción, felicidad, bendición, gratitud y alegría, sentimientos que solo provienen de Jesucristo a través del poder del Espíritu Santo (7).

Cumplir su ley es una forma en que le muestro que quiero recibir la verdad, la luz (¡Jesucristo es la verdad y la luz!), y saber todas las cosas. Trato de guardar los mandamientos para mostrarle que quiero que more conmigo (3).

El seguir los mandamientos, o mejor dicho, tratar y romperlos, pero constantamente arrepentiendome ¡es mi práctica a ser Sacerdotisa!

“Tan sólo Él fue digno de ̮efectuar la Expiación.

Él nos abrió la puerta hacia la exaltación.”

“Solo El". ¡No yo, no la ley, y esto me quita toda la presión!

Todo lo que tengo para ofrecerle es mi albedrío, mi voluntad, volviendo mi corazón hacia Él tantas veces como sea necesario (arrepentimiento), hasta que un día, por los "méritos, misericordia y gracia del Santo Mesías", jamás me alejo de Él (8).

Elder Holland Parenting Devotional, Seattle September 2019

Lo de español sigue abajo!

A few weekends ago I happened to be in Seattle when Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the quorum of the twelve apostles was scheduled to speak at a parenting devotional. Here are the notes I took:

Elder Holland began by stating that it’s no coincidence that the scriptures begin with families, and families who are in trouble (Old Testament: Adam and Eve. New Testament: Mary, Joseph and Jesus. Book of Mormon: Lehi and Sariah and their family.) He continued, “As soon as Adam and Eve step out of the garden they don’t even have time to get family scripture study, family prayer, and family home evening under way before there is fratricide, with one brother killing another. It’s all not a new deal to God! All our questions have been asked before and case studies have been done in the scriptures.”

Elder Holland went on to say, “We are a temple-building church.” Joseph Smith was 38 years old when he died, and he devoted his life to temple building. Elder Holland asked, “Did he ever build a chapel?! He certainly never worshipped in one.” He provided the temple endowment and gave the keys to the 12 apostles. Joseph Smith said he could then die because the sealing power was restored to the earth — promptly followed his martyrdom. 

Elder Holland then emphasized that he does not know of any wards or stakes in heaven, “There is only the governance of family. We will bind families together, link up families. Families are our practice.”

Elder Holland was jesting through all of his talk, he let his sense of humor shine. He went on to tease, “We think we are going to jump out of the grave and say, ‘Make me a God! I need some planets!’” The audience roared with laughter so I missed his next joke but I think he said, “God’s saying, ‘go read your scriptures; we’ll talk later about planets.’”

Becoming Godlike is a practice. We practice parenting by looking at how God deals with each of us, His children. And we will learn to parent like Him “so when we get there not a whole lot needs to change much.”

“Why is family our basic theology?”

After listing the myriad of things that go wrong in life and family he practically yelled over the pulpit, “WE KNOW THAT. But we are going to talk about family! We are obligated to fly the flag of eternity.” 

He added, “We’ll learn to close the gap. We set an ideal realizing not everyone can achieve it.” Elder Holland then specifically mentioned a single parent who wrote in before the conference saying, “I’m crushed under the weight of it all. I’m crushed under the weight of trying to teach the commandments to my children.” And then he said, “Ya, we’re all crushed under the weight of it all.” And then lovingly, teasingly added, “If you think your life is hard with a few kids think of God!” And then emphatically tried to drill into us, “We’ll get there eventually! Don’t get sick and feel bad about it. Don’t feel guilty about it.”

He continued reiterating that this is a worthy goal to work toward and it’s worthy to talk about it, even though parenting is the hardest work we will ever do. He was quick and sure to add, “and the most important.” 

“When you need encouragement turn to Moses 6-7. Enoch asks God, “Why can God cry?!” And God answers, “How can I cry? Look at those children. They’re mine and they hate each other!”

“You’re not plowing ground no one else has put a blade to; He loaned them to us. We’ll have a wonderful association with Him forever because of it. Of all the things I can promise God’s help about it’s about raising your children. If we can’t have help with this there will not be help about anything. We have power and covenants and priesthood. We will learn a lot of lessons along the way but we are heirs and joint heirs with Christ — it’s our doctrine. Children grow up to be like their parents.”

“How does Godhood happen? How do we become priests and priestesses, Gods and Goddesses? Not by a click of the fingers! Line upon line… You learn by practice.” And then began his loving jesting, “But some of you don’t enjoy the practice. You want long-suffering but you don’t want to suffer and you certainly don’t want it to take very long. You want patience but are saying, ‘Ya, sure I’ll learn patience — just give it to me right now…’”

He continued, “We will be given endless opportunities to learn to be divine, and every other virtue. I don’t think it can come any other way.” Motherhood and fatherhood are the highest and holiest callings. Of all the names He has, the one He wants most is that of Father. Elder Holland added that he knows we have a heavenly mother there, too, but doesn’t know anything about her. 

“You haven’t made any mistakes that can’t be corrected. Nor your parents, nor your children.” Laughing he added, “There is justice in this world — your kids are going to grow up to be parents! Let them take care of it.”

Again speaking of parenting he said, “Trust in God’s help in this! I don’t think we talk enough about miracles, angels, help through the veil that happens only miraculously. Believe in angels, manifestations, divine help, miracles that turn people around.”

“Alma came back because of Alma Senior’s - and I’m sure his mother’s! - faithfulness! And then the rest of The Book of Mormon becomes the story of his descendents! The scriptures say that an angel astonishes him; plan on being astonished! The origin tonish (in astonished) means tondra which translated is thunder. Call heaven’s help when your back is up against the wall. Call thunder, call down a lightning strike! Angels from the other side of the veil will come and others on our block.”

Elder Holland, with all of the passion and vigor he uses when delivering these messages, tried with his might to help us understand the truths he taught: “We are called to be angels of mercy, to make miracles, to team up with those on the other side of the veil! God will help you raise your children!” He repeated this endless times during the devotional. He said, “It’s time to put our theology where our religion is; we have covenants to call down the power of heaven. Don’t try to do this alone. Make and keep your promises and the power of that will lead them to heaven — they’ll come back. Not in abjection to the law of agency but because of it. Your children and your children’s children, they’ll choose to because they saw you do it!!! They’ll be back!!! Like the prodigal son, they'll say, ‘I’m going home.’”

He then gave an apostolic promise to everyone in the devotional, and every other person who would hear it: “Don’t be so miserably hard on yourself! Please, please, please. Trust me. Believe me. Generations will be blessed: your children and their children and their children... Be peaceful, be happy and accept this blessing. This is the most important work you will ever do and you will have help to do it.”

Hace unos fines de semana estuve en Seattle cuando el élder Jeffrey R. Holland, del quórum de los doce apóstoles, tenía previsto hablar en un devocional de padres. Aquí están las notas que tomé:

El élder Holland comenzó afirmando que no es casualidad que las Escrituras comiencen con familias y familias que están en problemas (Antiguo Testamento: Adán y Eva. Nuevo Testamento: María, José y Jesús. Libro de Mormón: Lehi y Sariah y sus familias. ) Continuó: “Tan pronto como Adán y Eva salen del jardín, ni siquiera tienen tiempo para comenzar a estudiar las Escrituras, la oración familiar y la noche de hogar familiar antes de que haya fratricidio, con un hermano matando a otro. ¡No todo es un nuevo trato para Dios! Todas nuestras preguntas se han hecho antes y se han realizado estudios de casos en las Escrituras.”

El élder Holland continuó diciendo: "Somos una iglesia para la construcción de templos". José Smith tenía 38 años cuando murió y dedicó su vida a la construcción de templos. El élder Holland preguntó: “¿Alguna vez construyó una capilla? Él nunca adoró en uno ”. Él proporcionó la investidura del templo y dio las llaves a los 12 apóstoles. José Smith dijo que ya podría morir porque el poder de sellar las familias fue restaurado en la tierra. Enseguida siguió su martirio.

El élder Holland enfatizó que no conoce ningún barrio o estaca en el cielo: “Solo existe el gobierno de la familia. Uniremos familias, uniremos familias. Las familias son nuestra práctica.”

El élder Holland estaba bromeando durante toda su charla, dejó que su sentido del humor brillara. Continuó bromeando: "Creemos que vamos a saltar de la tumba y decir: ‘¡Hazme un Dios! ¡Necesito algunos planetas!’” El público rió a carcajadas, así que me perdí su siguiente broma, pero creo que dijo: "Dios está diciendo:‘ ve a leer tus escrituras; hablaremos más tarde sobre los planetas.”

Convertirse en Dios es una práctica. Practicamos la paternidad observando cómo Dios trata con cada uno de nosotros, sus hijos. Y aprenderemos a padres como Él ", así que cuando lleguemos allí, no hay mucho que hay que cambiar.”

"¿Por qué la familia es nuestra teología básica?"

Después de enumerar la miríada de cosas que salen mal en la vida y la familia, prácticamente gritó desde el púlpito: “SABEMOS ESO. ¡Pero vamos a hablar de familia! Estamos obligados a enarbolar la bandera de la eternidad ".

Añadió: "Aprenderemos a cerrar la brecha. Establecimos un ideal al darnos cuenta de que no todos pueden lograrlo ". El élder Holland mencionó específicamente a un padre soltero que escribió antes de la conferencia diciendo:" Estoy abrumado por el peso de todo. Estoy aplastado por el peso de tratar de enseñar los mandamientos a mis hijos ".  Entonces dijo el Elder Holland:” Sí, todos estamos aplastados por el peso de todo ". ¡tu vida es difícil con unos pocos niños que piensan en Dios! ”Y luego enfáticamente trataron de perforarnos,“ ¡llegaremos allí eventualmente! No te enfermes y te sientas mal por eso. No te sientas culpable por eso ".

Continuó reiterando que este es un objetivo digno de alcanzar y vale la pena hablar de ello, a pesar de que la crianza de los hijos es el trabajo más difícil que haremos. Fue rápido y seguro de agregar, "y lo más importante".

“Cuando necesites aliento, recurre a Moisés 6-7. Enoc le pregunta a Dios: "¿Por qué Dios puede llorar?" Y Dios responde: "¿Cómo puedo llorar? Mira a esos niños. ¡Están preocupados y se odian el uno al otro! "

"No estás arando tierra a la que nadie más ha puesto una cuchilla; Dios nos los prestó. Por eso tendremos una asociación maravillosa con Él para siempre. De todas las cosas que les puedo prometer la ayuda de Dios , se trata de criar a sus hijos. Si no podemos tener ayuda con esto, no habrá ayuda sobre nada. Tenemos poder y convenios y sacerdocio. Aprenderemos muchas lecciones en el camino, pero somos coherederos con Cristo: es nuestra doctrina. Los niños crecen para ser como sus padres ".

“¿Cómo sucede la Divinidad? ¿Cómo nos convertimos en sacerdotes y sacerdotisas, dioses y diosas? ¡No con un clic de los dedos! Línea por línea ... Aprendes con la práctica ". Y luego comenzó su amorosa broma:" Pero algunos de ustedes no disfrutan de la práctica. Quieres long-suffering pero no quieres sufrir y no quieres que te lleve mucho tiempo. Quieres paciencia pero estás diciendo, "solo dámelo ahorita ..."

Continuó: “Se nos darán infinitas oportunidades para aprender a ser divinos y cualquier otra virtud. No creo que pueda venir de otra manera.”

La maternidad y la paternidad son el llamado más elevado y más sagrado. De todos los nombres que tiene, el que más quiere es el de Padre. El élder Holland agregó que él sabe que también tenemos una madre celestial allí, pero no sabe nada de ella.

"No ha cometido ningún error que no pueda corregirse. Y tus padres no lo han hecho, tampoco tus hijos ". Riendo, agregó:" Hay justicia en este mundo: ¡tus hijos crecerán para ser padres!”

Nuevamente hablando de la paternidad, dijo: "¡Confía en la ayuda de Dios en esto! No creo que hablemos lo suficiente sobre milagros, ángeles, ayuda a través del velo que ocurre milagrosamente. Cree en los ángeles, las manifestaciones, la ayuda divina, los milagros que cambian a las personas ".

"Alma regresó por la fe y oraciones de Alma Senior, ¡y  su madre!  Y el resto del Libro de Mormón se convierte en la historia de sus descendientes! Las escrituras dicen que un ángel lo asombra; planea quedar asombrado! El origen tonish (en asombro/atonished en ingles) significa tondra que traducido es trueno. Pide ayuda al cielo cuando tu espalda esté contra la pared. ¡Llama al trueno, llama a un rayo! Vendrán ángeles del otro lado del velo y otros en nuestra cuadra.

El élder Holland, por la pasión y el vigor que solo usa el élder Holland cuando entrega estos mensajes, intentó con su poder ayudarnos a comprender las verdades que enseñó: “Estamos llamados a ser ángeles de la misericordia, a hacer milagros, a unirnos a los que están en ¡Al otro lado del velo! Dios te ayudará a criar a tus hijos ”. Repitió esto infinitas veces durante su devocional. Él dijo: "Es hora de poner nuestra teología donde está nuestra religión; Tenemos convenios para invocar el poder del cielo. No intentes hacer esto solo. Haga y cumpla sus promesas y el poder de eso las llevará al cielo: regresarán. No en contra de la ley de agencia, sino por ella. Sus hijos y los hijos de sus hijos. ¡Elegirán porque te vieron hacerlo! ¡Volverán! Como el hijo pródigo, dirán: "Me voy a casa".

Luego nos hizo una promesa apostólica, a todos en asistencia y a cualquier otra persona que lo escuchara: "¡No seas tan duro contigo mismo! Por favor por favor por favor. Créeme. Créeme. Las generaciones serán bendecidas: sus hijos y sus hijos y sus hijos… Sean pacíficos, felices y acepten esta bendición. Este es el trabajo más importante que harás y tendrás ayuda para hacerlo ”.

her mission on this earth -- mimi's passing

I have experienced God orchestrating beautiful moments, moments where all the people are exactly where they need to be, when they need to be there. And when it all converges my thoughts swirl, “How did that even happen?! That was a miracle.”

My grandmother, Mema to the grandkids, Mimi to the great-grandkids, passed away on the 24th of July and her last breaths were one of these orchestral instances.

My mom fed Mema breakfast and got her ready like every other morning. The girls and I had come home from a camping trip the night before, so that morning I sat at my computer - which I moved into her room - so I could catch up on emails and get a few things done. I heard her whisper, “Thank you.” I thought, “Did I hear that correctly?” I turned back and saw she was gazing up to the left above the window. I thought, “That’s interesting…” Just then I began to hear her struggling to breathe, her exhales loud and inhales strenuous. It was around 2:45. Her brow was furrowed, very unlike her cheery disposition. I grabbed my mom from the other room and said, “Something’s wrong.” My mom and I hurried back to Mema who was having a difficult time. Her coughing was abnormal and her breath heavy and difficult. My mom left the room to call Hospice (who had graduated her and couldn’t send immediate help) and I tried calling Mimi’s kids — Cindy first with no answer. Next, David, who said he was on his way. My dad also headed home (but we live in the hills and it takes time to get here…) My mom and I crouched around Mimi’s bed, holding her hands, kissing her face, saying as many I Love Yous and Thank Yous as one can muster at a time when no words do any feelings justice, the girls pouring over each side of her bed caressing her arms. My mom raced to make more phone calls while I sat next to her trying to be strong but crying and saying, “You’re doing great, Mimi! I love you! Go get Ma and Pa! Go home, Mema! You were the best grandma, Mimi! Thank you for perfect birthday parties and buying our favorite cakes and for taking care of all of us. You did everything for us! We love you, Mimi!” My mind was racing with, “Tell her happy things. Tell her all the good things” followed by “I can’t handle her in pain. I feel helpless. How am I sitting here doing nothing while she cannot breathe? Keep talking, tell her you love her…” (She had a DNR, her wish to pass at home.)

The thought came to me to FaceTime her only sibling, her brother Bob, who lives in Utah; she and Bob have been best friends their entire lives.

Looking back this is where I see the miracle begin. Our house was silent and still. Bob’s kids had just walked in the door to his house when I called. Through tears they immediately began to tell Mema how much they loved her and how wonderful she was. Bob comforted and talked to his sister including their inside jokes, “You’re my favorite sister,” and “you were such a good sister.” This is how the next 15 minutes passed, until she graduated mortality and her spirit slipped through an ever so thin veil, reuniting herself with their mom and dad, her husband (our Bacca who passed 20 month ago), and family and friends from their past. Those 20-30 minutes could not have been more tender, sacred, or perfect. She took her last breath around 3:14 pm hand in hand with people she cared for and comforted her whole life — I still have the letters she wrote to me while in college and on my mission, easing my fears, calming frustrations, sending hope.

The next few hours passed in a bustle of paramedics, fireman, the chaplain, and the mortuary in and out of the house. Mimi’s kids, grandkids and great-grandkids all arrived. We chatted, played, reminisced, snuggled babies and ate. Even one my best friends and her kids showed up within minutes of her passing. She and I were heading you Tahoe the next day so she took a Pitt-stop at our house. Our home was exactly as Mema showed us: friends become family and everyone’s welcome all of the time. All of the people and babies and laughter and tears was the ultimate gathering, a reverberating crescendo, in celebration of her brilliant life.

My mom and I both commented that if I had not moved my computer to her room (where I would work and chat at her while she rested or slept) that no one would have gone back into her room; she normally would have napped a long while requiring no assistance. She would have passed alone.

In a very short amount of time her passing converged in perfect harmony, specifically the piece of her brother and his family comforting her as she finished her mission on this earth.

These moments of glorious orchestration don’t happen often, but when they do I am reminded that it was not anything I did — they are gifts, tender mercies from the Savior to His children, who He loves perfectly. His arms always are “outstretched still.”

I had so many thoughts that afternoon, evening and into the next morning:

1. Her room felt cold and empty when she was no longer in it. I realized that one of Mema’s spiritual gifts was The Gift of Comfort. She made you feel warm by her words and actions. She even warmed the room she sat in. Now that she is no longer here, the void, the cold, is palpable.

2. Our life on this earth is nothing more than a blink in an eternal plan. The joy, the pain, it happens in a millisecond compared to our eternal destiny. When Mema was suffering every breath hurt my insides. Her scrunched body, her quivering lips, her loud breaths, I wanted it to stop! But there was a moment after she passed that only my mom and the girls were sitting in her still room and I felt, how did that happen so fast?! She was just here, and now she’s not, and it happened faster than I can comprehend. She has struggled with Alzheimer’s for years! She lived in my parent’s home for 8 months where they have fed her, bathed her, chatted with her, teased her, laughed with her — where every day feels like a marathon and you want her suffering to end, but then when it does you have a clarity you didn’t have previously:it happened so fast. When it’s over you remember: carrot cakes from Costco for my pool parties every July, her taking me to the store and buying me three new pairs of shoes, “it’s just money, don’t be scared of it” she’d say as my sister reminded me. She and I would eat frozen ho-hos and chat at her dining table almost every night when I lived with her. She’d whip up some New Mexican enchiladas, replete with a fried egg on top, for whoever came through her door. And now she’s gone home and those things were nothing more than a blink. When the struggle is over and the clarity comes, it was only an instant.

3. Endurance. In April when my parents went to Europe for two weeks I took care of Mema. One night she almost died. She kept saying, a little frustrated, “I see this place but I can’t get there, I can’t get there!” The night before she passed my dad was feeding her dinner and she said to him, “I’m ready to go, can you help me?” My eyes have been opened to the word “endure.”

   If you endure, however ugly it might look or feel to you, however much you don’t like what’s happening, if you endure, you win. “Enduring well,” to me, means enduring period.

   “Enduring well” doesn’t mean I do all the things and am joyous and “love every second.” I got teary-eyed listening to this sincere clip from Elder Hales about deep depression and physical pain that didn’t let up.

4. Our mission won’t look like, or compare to, anyone else’s. Mema didn’t live to post —nothing she did was for anyone else to see. I still have lessons to learn here but my thoughts brew and I feel change coming that I hope feeds more souls.

I love my family and the grandmother who bore us. She was a woman who spent her entire life laughing and comforting. She was a leader, teacher, school counselor, wife, mom, grandma, great-grandma and when she was with you you felt you were the most important person in the world.

One day a few months ago all of her children and great-grandchildren arrived at the house. These images come from our impromptu shoot.

We know you are partying and loving and teaching and caring even now, Mimi, but we still miss your laughter, warmth, counsel and comfort.

‘Til We Meet Again, Mema. We love and thank you for spending your life making each of ours lighter and brighter.

to save the world

My shining golden girls,

One recent Sunday I fasted for courage. I don’t want to be scared anymore, of anything! Long car rides, dropping you off at school, protecting you from things that hurt, the worries of keeping you too close or pushing you away. Did you eat enough vegetables today?

And thankfully I feel power helping me choose courage. When I have a choice to make, when feelings begin to overwhelm me I think, “Where is my courage?”

Now, there is a direct correlation between my courage and attitude towards religion and church.

The more I study my scriptures and hear the Holy Ghost, the less I accept general thoughts and opinions; knowledge has felt so clear, so simple. I am practicing taking responsibility for finding answers to my questions and I feel worlds of clarity open my mind and heart.

My faith is firm in Jesus Christ, his mercy and grace, and His love for all of His children. From this foundation comes every thing I will ever invite you to learn as long as I am living.

One warm afternoon on a sidewalk, crouched beside the car, you and I spoke of families. Annie, you casually responded to me, “‘Cause families can look however they wanna look.’” To which I said, “Exactly. And who does Jesus love?” It is a question you both know well, and you shouted simultaneously, “Eddabuddy!!!” (your version of everybody.)

You know God is love.

Christ spent His entire life with people who culture and tradition deemed different, ill, lowly, of less worth or contagious.

And He repeatedly asserted,

“ye judge after the flesh. I judge no man”

“neither do I condemn thee”

“I came not to judge the world but to save the world”

over and over again.

His spent every day trying to help everyone, but especially His followers, understand that we are all the same we just hurt differently, and that He is our Savior, prince of peace, master healer and perfect love.

If he does not judge or condemn, neither do I.

I learn from Him who to love, and how to love.

I trust Him. I love Him. But mostly I am trying to love like Him.

Baby girls, when you have questions, if you go to the source of all wisdom and understanding you will find answers that will fill and soothe your soul. Then, take courage and start with the smallest possible steps to do what you feel! It will pay off in powerful feelings of wellness and self confidence. Power was given to you before you were born to take courage, so step into your skin - as uncomfortable as sometimes skin feels - and take up all of the space you want in the world regardless of culture, tradition, and popular (or unpopular) opinion; you are so needed.

I love you. He loves you always.

Your mama

P.S. All apologies to my readers for any typos! I edit my posts about 49 times after I publish them. If you receive these via email you read version one. If you would like to read the must up-to-date, click the title of the post and you will be taken directly to my actual, and most cleaned-up, post.

P.P.S Bay area I will be there this weekend and can squeeze in one more shoot! Click here to book!

Photos Processed and Scanned by Richard Photo Lab.

Mixtures of Portra 800, Portra 400, Fuji 400h (to finish up the last roll), and Ilford 3200.

Pentax 645nii and Canon 1V

My front yard and the reservoir by the house.

And the goslings and their parents who showed up for the shoot.

"you were the healer"

There are not many words to describe the way things are transpiring around here - we are mostly trying hard to follow our feelings.

I believe in that practice fiercely: following tender impressions.

But it can be scary because it means I take a step into the dark, or begin at zero, or…who knows what else?! Sometimes it feels like I’ll fall into a dark pit and a monster will eat me! On the other side of softening and submitting, of listening, is an elaborate pile of unknowns!

Sometimes what we cannot see feels like darkness. But that’s only because we haven’t given time the opportunity to shed light on it yet! Who knows but all your favorite colors are up ahead on high beams, shining blinding light you cannot see only because you haven’t stepped into it yet?!!

A month or so ago Annie was bouncing all over “Pa” (my dad) and I asked, “Dad, was I like that when I was little? Was I exactly like her?” (Because in my mind she and I are (mostly) exactly the same…)

My dad responded, “You were always taking care of people; you were the healer.”

In that instant he vocalized (and I learned!) my heart’s greatest desire! All I want is to be an instrument that is used to fill people with light and confidence.

When I die, I want to know I followed every impression, left nothing on the table, left no one behind, reached everyone I was sent to reach, on this, my personal journey through mortality.

I want to be an instrument in the hands of Light.

Here is where our recent changes come into play:

First, we do not have more answers than we do! We ride on faith daily for guidance and assistance. We practice asking, waiting, thinking, working through scenarios, praying, and waiting some more. We listen to the tiny impressions, thoughts, and feelings that come. And we receive answers.

****If you have questions, find a quiet place to pray, to talk, to converse and commune with heaven. Be open about all of your worries, your plans, your thoughts, your goalsdreamshopesfearswishes everything!!!

Then write down your impressions and thoughts and feelings.

Your answers will come, I promise! We are living it and it’s true.

Second, we had a plan, but then something unexpected (a miracle!) occurred so I need to wait for that to work itself out before I start blabbing anymore about plan details ;)

Third, we are moving eventually, so my blog and brand will change, but the idea has become sweet to me! I am ecstatic to evolve with everything this business and I become together.

Next, photography has been a spiritual journey and I want to be true to that.

So,

I feel “brightness” in announcing that my blog will mostly be composed of my spiritual thoughts, stories, experiences, and prayers, including specific things I learn from study. I will be sharing openly my thoughts about my life and what comes of the impressions I follow.

Ultimately, I want to share light - in all its forms. I get to do that through pictures and (very lacking) words (encompassed in big feelings.)

I want you to know you can find answers and help and guidance from Heaven!

I want you to be filled with light and confidence.

If you are aching, I want you to feel love, compassion, mercy, grace, and healing.

I hope you find those things here.

All my love, forever,

Christina

TRAVEL SHOOTS are about to begin around the bend of the new year! Contact me to book your DREAM shoot (I’m serious. Even your husband will say, “that was fun!!”

Bay Area! Nor Cal. Everywhere in CA. Everywhere period :) also SEATTLE, I’ll be back in March! East coast, NYC, North Carolina!! “Dream big and after you’ve done that, dream bigger” 🥰Howard Schultz -Starbucks CEO

slice of orange heaven

so many feelings

not clear words

lots of pictures

I never know how much to say or not say. But once again, I’m just gonna go for it:

This was a recent response to an email I wrote to a friend (we don’t live near one another and rarely see each other. I recently spent a brief moment with her after 6 years. This was my take away after we tearfully shared difficulty, heartache, and success in all of 20 minutes):

“This observation shook me while driving away from our discussion: I see my own imperfections and those of my family members, and sometimes I think we are living a lesser version of ourselves because of them, but when I see you and your family I am shocked at how all I see (and saw) is how beautifully each of you is living life. I would never even think of, or care, what anyone’s faults might be because all I saw is how everyone is just THEIR OWN BEAUTIFUL SELF. 

I can’t even describe my feelings or thoughts well, except I came home wanting to extend so much more mercy and grace towards myself, and each of us, because I more clearly see beauty in the chaos, growth from imperfection. I see how our efforts…work! Tyler and I were both in tears the night I came home and I told him about each of your babies, and you, and [your husband], and our time together. My mind is flooded with, “How can I ever judge or criticize myself?” In our time together I saw so clearly how beautiful life is even with the messy parts.

[You were right - we just] keep trying. And most of all keep giving thanks for a Savior who creates beauty from my measly efforts. 

I am learning to abide: abide the chaos, abide the Savior’s embrace, abide in the scriptures. (“Abide” is my new favorite word... [Our favorite teacher] mentioned that on [that sacred ]Sunday morning the apostles were at the tomb, as well as Mary, but when the Savior was not inside they left! She chose to abide and [the resurrected Savior] appeared to her. [The teacher] said, “Abide longer in your scriptures, in the temple. When you receive revelation ask, “Is there any more?”) Recently I have chosen to abide [and felt a flood of answers and love and confidence]. I abide in family, even when it’s uncomfortable or I don’t know what to say or do, in study even when I’m tired, in worship when I feel angry or frustrated.

It’s what I see you do and I see how powerful it is and I want that, too. 

You are so wonderful I can’t even say it enough. 

Maybe none of this makes sense in word but it feels precious and important to me, and I want to remember it…

I love you!

Christina”

Lady in Red

The more I let go the more free I become.

(Mix of Portra 400 and Ektar 100 film on a Pentax 645nii and Canon 1V)

Newness

In its purest form.

"...to the core."

 "...we love each other, to the core." That is how Kennedy describes the love she and Chris share.

Sometimes in the hustle and bustle, comings and goings, and stuff that presents itself in our relationships, it can be hard to remember that we loved one another "to the core." Somehow those moments, mistakes, or habits, become more important than the person we love, or once loved. 

While it is work, and was not meant to be easy, I am sure the growing pains will have unified us. When we are old and gray, and he paints my fingernails and feeds me oatmeal (not to mention changes my diapers), the hard stuff will be nothing more than a distant memory.  

This is my reminder to recommit to choose love.

To always choose love.

Love at Home

“After all," Anne had said to Marilla once, "I believe the nicest and sweetest days are not those on which anything very splendid or wonderful or exciting happens but just those that bring simple little pleasures, following one another softly, like pearls slipping off a string.” 

L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Avonlea

Who I Truly Am

"I may always feel subject to the forces of echolocation, moving to and from experience and reflecting back again, but like the bat I can determine outcome. I do this in every thought and in every action. Every day I have to inventory the messaging. Edit and rewrite. At times there may be a little retrofitting to get the landscape to better reflect my desired outcome, but I have to do it again and again until it is true. Until all of the messages rattling around in the sound chambers of my mind are reflective of who I truly am. Simply charming, vastly likeable, perfectly self-deprecating and absolutely wonderful! As for now I am happy to be a work in progress."

Maran Hanley, Echolocation of the Soul: A New Perspective on Identity

I love her words. The complete article can be found here. Here she is, enveloped in the eyes and hands and love of those who are lucky to call her wife and mom.

Living the Summer Solstice Dream

@nicolebcheung said it best, "Our summer solstice parade is better than your summer solstice parade." Naked babies running around wild and who are stained red and blue by fistfuls of blueberries and raspberries, delicious meals, Target and Old Navy shopping sprees, pony rides, swimming for hour and hours, complete freedom, walks into the sunset, the world's greatest dress up armoire, and even some pole fitness adorned our week long mommy-baby trip in Wenatchee. I leave Cyndi's house feeling so thankful for what feels like infinite love that continuously pours out of her.

One of my favorite memories: It was evening, before the kid's bath time, and Annie was SUUUUPER cranky from so much fun in the sun and no nap. She smashed Jonah's finger in the door (of course while they were all goofing off) and then was smiling at me with her hands covering her eyes while I *attempted* some sort of discipline (who's not winging this parenting thing....?) Basically I told her she "was done" and it was bedtime for her. I shut the door while the other kids were getting ready for their bath. I was so frustrated with Annie by that point that I could have banged my head repeatedly against a brick wall. I went downstairs to get a cheese stick for Kate, and complain to a mom who had been there and done that - 8 times, mind you! - about what I was having to deal with right then (which included a very sad screaming Jonah because of a smashed finger and a sad screaming Annie by this point because I keep trying to put her in bed but she kicks at me and covers her eyes and isn't listening and then she is laughing at me and! and! AND! AANNNDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!) and ALL CYNDI DID WAS LAUGH.

So much of my life was thrown into perspective in that moment. All that I fret about, the control I try to have, the chaos I try to manage, the tantrums I try to calm, the fighting I work to settle, the hitting, kicking, bugging, teasing, the "Annnnnnieee scremememing me...!!!!!" that Kate loves to cry about (as if she has never intentionally screamed at Annie to make Annie cry...)... All of it had never felt so menial. In the instant Cyndi laughed my whole life with kids flashed before my eyes and I saw clearly that I always have a choice to make: frustration or calm. I do not talk lightly about that! That choice is SO hard, especially past 4 pm. 

Parenting is hard for me because I want to raise sweet, well-behaved children, but when and how do I demand that behavior when right now I really. just. don't. care. to fight for it? Or maybe, I don't have the energy to fight for it. I really just want to put them in their room, close the door, and walk away. When they don't stay there is when the war begins and I want to lose it. Many times I do let my girls' crankiness get the best of me, but I want to try harder at not letting it affect or control my emotions and actions. And I wonder, if they could see that their problem was never my problem, maybe they wouldn't continue to do the annoying things that deep down do get to me (like run around like crazy people when they are clearly exhausted and it's bed time and they're supposed to lay down and stay there). I can never clearly articulate my thoughts and feelings in words but all I'm trying to say is, "I want to laugh it off more, and self destruct less." 

Anyway, life is perfect in Wenatchee, and here is the proof:

First Roll of Film

Portra 400 how I love you.

I know why people convert to film and never look back, and I wish I could move this instant. All the creaminess, rich colors, depth of color - I see it! My dream is to shoot 100% film - hopefully it doesn't take long to realize. While these images are kinda weird (due to my having to learn how to work the camera!) I wouldn't change a thing about them. 

All but four photos are completely unprocessed, and the ones that are are only slightly cropped.

This camera is something Tyler found online for free, but is in great condition. It is a Konica Minolta 7000. It was the first auto-focus camera ever made, and was born in 1985. The vignetting in the photos is from the camera. And yes, after every shot I looked at the back of the camera in hopes of being able to adjust my settings so as not to under/overexpose my shots...

I usually mix up my photos in the gallery so similar photos are not next to each other, but in this case I am leaving them in order because this is the exact order in which I took the shots, and my progression through changing random settings through the roll of film is significant to me.

If anyone wants some crazy film shots let me know! I'll give you a steep discount...