Of Things that Fade

I have so many goals, aspirations, thoughts, dreams swirling around my head I had to make a game plan to pull myself together.

I feel like the days are flying by. The minutes drag on for years but at the end of the day I feel it lasted 5 minutes, and then it was over, and many times I think, "I didn’t do much - not much that will last. I spent time on things that will fade, that no one will remember."

I don’t like New Years’ Resolutions. I set a goal and forget about it. Repeat. Every year. I have decided that an end-of-year goal is what I want to do! I only have to remember it for two months, and if I like it I’ll keep it into the new year.

My goal is to: Live Life Deliberately. To take charge of my time.

I could spend hours on social media looking at pictures (which really was helpful as I am learning photography). But since my mentoring I have so much confidence that my creativity comes from within me, not without, so I deleted Facebook off my phone, deleted my mail app off my phone, and would delete the Instagram app if I didn’t have to have it to post photos, but let's be real, I'm all about taking millions of photos and sharing them with the world - that's not going anywhere. Where I was previously concerned with gaining followers and “building my business,” that isn’t priority anymore. I still will take gazillions of photos, so please, recommend everyone you know to me ;) and I’m still going to post gazillions of photos on social media, but I have a plan to use my time better.

I’m went back to pen and paper, and it has changed my life. I bought a notebook where I keep photos I’ve imagined up and want to create. I write down my “best things that happened today.” I have a paper-book calendar where I write everything I want to do with the girls: build a fort, make a jump rope for their babies and pretend play, eat under the table, go to that museum. I know we can do fun creative things if I take the time to plan it, even just to think about it. Because I don't let myself be boring, I don't let myself do nothing, I don't give my brain time to think up all of the things I want to do that won't fade - to think up and do the things that matter most. 

I have limited days while my girls are at home, and I know I'll miss it if I don’t change my game plan! As an aside, my great-grandfather is the one who brought TV to Lordsburg, New Mexico. My (non-mormon) grandfather told my (mormon) grandmother that she had to quit smoking before he would marry her. I want to spend time documenting these types of stories from my past. There is so much I want to learn and record, that I have to be diligent about putting boundaries on the areas I’m wasting time. I feel more fulfilled when I don’t tell myself, “I need a break,” and instead am filling my days with fulfilling activities. (And no doubt! There are times I’m screaming and pulling my hair out and want a break! But I don’t want that to feel the norm.)

I want to live a deliberate life, a life not distracted by my screens. I want to live a mindful life. Last night Tyler sat next to me and said, "Can I share something with you?" I moved my computer out of sight and said, "Yes." He proceeded to share some things on his mind. I notice that I have to work extra hard to listen to each word - again, because I haven't let myself think about nothing in so long, I haven't sat peacefully with myself. I'm used to constantly giving myself input through a screen. When others talk to me my attention span is short! I want to be mindful, be able to sit in stillness, feel peaceful, and be slow. And when the girls say, "Yayy down wit me mommy." I want to lay down with them. When they say, "Come watch a moo-mie wit me, mommy" I want to go watch a movie, not first finish cleaning, or finish the dishes.

While visiting our family in California I observed my dad and his parents. Our grandparents do not know the age of not sitting and chatting about anything and everything. My dad wants to chat about everything, reminisce about the good ol' days, tell lots of stories. My grandmother talked to me for 20 minutes, without stopping, about everything on her mind. One of our best trips this year was to the coast where no one had cell reception. We had to sit and stare at each other - talk - and we laughed and played and enjoyed every minute of it, distraction free. 

My end-of-year resolution is to be deliberate about how I use my time, and be mindful in the moments I need to be a wife and a mother and a friend - mindful and not distracted.

I have photos everywhere! And I keep finding more. I actually filled up my external hard drive while on vacation and now am going back and forth between hard drives to find everything I want saved. Wednesday got left behind, so here she is: (My sister in law, Michelle, took all of the photos in the first stack, I took the photos at the bottom in the second stack. I love when others pick up my camera because then I get to be in the shots! Some are blurry because auto-focusing this camera is hard when you're a newbie but they're artsy and I love them all.)